Published November 18, 2016
Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Authors Note: Recently I was asked to write a second person story, of what I consider ‘hell’. Not the world of brimstone, fire and torture. But a true never-ending hell. This is not an original idea of mine, plenty of stories have referenced or done it. But it’s simply the worst kind of pain I can imagine, so I picked that. Note I did not post this out of depression, sadness, or anything else. Just a humoring of what I would hate most to suffer. Enjoy. Or not.
I just found the result of the prompt interesting enough to show.
******
Imagine yourself on a single day, no real low point, no real high point, it’s just a day. A normal day like any other, you wake up, prepare yourself for the day, you go about your various chores and then run off to a job that is perfectly average. Again, a normal day like any other.
But it does not stop at that, or rather it keeps repeating that. You keep waking up to the same normal day like any other, same people, same actions. The daily grind so unremarkable that you hardly notice that you’re the only one that does anything different. The same topics at work said every day. So completely predictable that you can count down the seconds between each topic, speak them word for word. Like an obsessive fan of a popular movie, who has watched it so many times they could re-enact its entirety on instinct alone.
You come to realize the repeat, realize the repeating pattern of the world, but you can’t help but ignore it, deny it. You glance at the time, the 24th of march. It’s been the 24th of march for a very, very, very long time. But as you push through this daily grind, you can’t help but feel that your life wasn’t much different from before the repeats. You can not accept the repeats though, as you realize that you will go mad under them.
You start to count in your head the repeated day, you can not name when it started exactly, but the number 52 strikes you as a good guess for how many times this has happened. The madness has already passed through you and left, so you start ignoring your pointless job. You start to explore what you can in your limited 24 hours, rushing further and further to see something new- to see something different.
362, while you can not name why the number sticks so well to your subconscious, you can tell that is how many times this day has repeated. A full year in this repeat, you have started studying as much as you can, nothing matters in this world and you want out.
You want out but there is no clear direction to this all. Why are you here? How? Has the life you’ve been living ever really existed, or was it a fabrication brought about by this repeated reality?
1263 repeats. 1263 days of the same thing over and over. You tried your best to respect people in this world, fearing that if the world ever starts turning again, that any mistakes that happened from your carelessness would have lasting repercussions. But- you- you killed someone.
Not because you hated them, not because they were rude to you, you didn’t even know them. But the idea had been digging its way into your mind. If knowledge didn’t work, ‘maybe there was a way to break the repeat’ you thought. The day repeats again, so you kill two people, three people, four, a hundred, a thousand.
14,239 repeats. You have stolen, abused, raped, killed every person in your limited reach in so many ways that you have long since lost track, mastering these horrible arts to perfection. Yet nothing is changing. You occasionally suffered bouts of empathy for the things you did, taking it out on yourself in creative forms of suicide. In fact many of your attempts ended in suicide, after breaking your environment in many painful ways you started to include your own death in your plans. Anything to make this world end. But it won’t and you finally end your massacure broken. You can’t imagine how you lasted so long, but maybe it was because you felt someone watching you. For a while now you simply sleep in, enjoying the uniqueness of your dreams since the world has become static. You couldn’t help but wonder if the world had finally broken you.
14,239 days in this world-but, it's not a repeat. Out of a sense of automation you attempt to sleep in like you had every other day for a long time only to get a phone call. It was unique, different, any other day nothing would have happened, but today your job called you wondering why you had been missing two days in a row.
The days pass and you come to really enjoy your life, things are working out unusually well for you, and you meet someone who seems to not only like you, but adore you. When you look at them and observe their care for you, a budding feeling of romance appears, and when you finally admit it to the friends you met in these continuing days, they cheer for you.
A year passes like this in bliss, a wonderful world where your job starts to improve, and all that knowledge you got from the repeats finally has a use. To others you seem like a genius, but you know the pain that was required for all of that skill, and wonder what finally broke you out.
When new year's day swings around, you and your loved one have a party, a celebration of the new year. But you couldn’t enjoy it- you feel suddenly feel dread, pain, like this would be the last time you get to smile. You panic, running away from your friends and love, pushing yourself out into the streets to notice something.
The sun was up, the people were moving like normal, everything seemed fine. But it was too normal, you had seen that pattern too many times. It was that same day, the repeats has begun again.
You somehow can feel it, this was the 14,239th repeat, and ignoring any possibility of being wrong, you jump from a building.
15,483 repeats. It was not all exactly the same as that first repeat, your loved one was there, everyone around you acting like that was the day you were planning to ask them out on a weekend date. Humoring your fake memories you even tried it at first, but since that next weekend would never happen all it did was hurt. At first you try speeding up the process, keep trying to master the art of pushing them into your arms all the faster, you even get as far as a kiss, but never further. Their lack of memories with your love eventually drives you to hate them, to reject them as a fake. You eventually start doing many horrible things to them. Shaming them as if that was the only cure for your madness.
53,472 repeats. How you lasted so long you couldn’t name. You took up the arts, you took up science, you mastered skills that allowed you to do things at speeds that no other human could ever hope for. How could you not, when you only have a day to enjoy your projects before they cease to be? How could you not master so many things when you have all of the time in the world?
You suddenly wake up next to a relaxed body, you are not sure if you were clinging to them or they were clinging to you, but the warmth wakes up all sorts of memories of the day before. A day that for you was was so long ago that you could only name it the 14,239th repeat. Those numbers, those memories of the repeats remained, but you also felt like it was all a dream. Yesterday you were enjoying the new year and had a spicy night before falling asleep. A wonderful year had gone by and you had the partner of your dreams. Someone who truly understood you and cared for you, someone who needed you, and who you needed.
It was wonderful.
A decade had passed but nobody aged. Yes the world kept turning and things kept advancing, but the people around you never changed, those in the news and around the world did, but not those you interacted with. You could tell you were still trapped in the repeats by now, but you were thankful for the wonderful life you had regardless and accepted that one day you would return to that hell.
After a hundred years passed and you start to doubt your perceptions of reality. You noticed time advancing, as did everyone else, but they never questioned their immortality. You start to wonder if this is the next hell, but the love of your life keeps you stable and happy regardless.
562,372 repeats. You were dragged back in, and after many repeats, you started killing and raping the entire world. Your understanding of its very nature allowing you to go far greater distances and do far more horrible things you ever could before. You kept doing them. Because you wanted to break. You saw how it only gave you that bliss when you are about to break. But because of how stable that loved one made you. No matter how many horrible things you did.
You couldn’t.
You couldn’t.
You couldn’t.
You couldn’t.
You couldn’t.
Your loved one did this to you, they were the cause. You started to think that and spent 10,000 repeats torturing them, yet they no matter what you did, they never truly hated you, only apologized for what ever pain brought you to do what you did to them.
It kept you stable, and you started hating them all the more.
Eventually you did break, eventually you did return to them and enjoyed a thousand years in that world that both changed and didn’t before you were dragged back
838,884 repeats.
Almost break.
1,283,473 repeats.
Almost break.
5,382,483 repeats.
Almost break.
20,372,372 repeats.
Almost break.
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140,138 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
This is honestly the first time I've ever read something like this. The premise of coarse being a literal explanation of what hell is and how it would drive a human do do horrible things. It shows the reader something inside of themselves and is extremely insightful to the inner-workings of why change is so important.
It reminds me of what would happen if you were last person on earth with there still being people. This type of personal hell is extremely real to people now who feel like they cannot change their lives despite the world still changing. They feel stuck somewhere, the past, their demons, perspective. Good job conveying this and great job for making a 2nd person narration. Added that extra reflective aspect.
You can really feel the character or 'you' as you refer to him (mind blown) going mad and the pace you set makes it feel like 'you' are losing track of the immense amount of time passing by until you assume that infinity takes 'you' away at the end.
Now that I've praised you on your point of view I will give you some details to work out on your own.
Something I noticed is you don't go into any details as to a spiritual journey, not sure if you did this on purpose, but I would have enjoyed a deeper exploration aspect of the world you created. You talk a lot about the darkness of humanity but is there a possibility that if one could see this as hell that one could also see nirvana in the experience?
Food for thought.
Your grammar is really good. I always tell people that they should play more with their words and do stuff they'd never think of doing with punctuation but I was rather satisfied with everything. I will say that 2nd person is hard to write for, especially for a fiction genre piece, without sounding like a lecture but you did it well. The only thing I don't like about it is the lack of optional personal pronouns and it begins to sound more like an opinion piece which can deter people from taking it seriously or reviewing it objectively.
You do have a way of making 2nd person feel 1st person which is what makes the piece, in my opinion, truly unique. The present tense is also not as distracting, but like I mentioned before, you could lose interest if you decide to build on top of it.
Amazing Short story, sent me for a trip and you have my follow!
I tried my best to avoid anything that would define a gender for the character, their friends, or love interest. As I felt that would take away from the experience, making it less personal to each reader.
My logic was: "I do not know the gender, sex, or sexuality of anyone who plans to read this, and by avoiding any personal pronouns as much as possible, I don't have to."
If this wasn't a short story I may have went into more detail, so yes I avoided that. Besides, isn't it better to make your own conclusions instead of have me put some in your head? I figure its better this way.
Beyond that, thank you for your thoughts.
Interesting. I see why you thought it was worth posting--the premise on its own would be worthy of an entire book, but as a short story it works just as well. Though it was difficult for me to enjoy it, for a couple of reasons that I'll specify later on, but for now I'd like to talk about your editing. Because I feel like you didn't edit this much. First off, you switched from past to present tense constantly, something that's expected from a work of this nature--both first person and second person suffers from the author initially wanting the allure of present tense, before quickly switching back to past tense out of habit. An example:
I think it ought to have been "But you couldn't enjoy it--you suddenly felt dread, pain, etc.." Other than that, notice how you've repeated 'feel' two times? Yeah, I suggest reading it over again, there are plenty of mistakes like that in there. I could spend the rest of this review picking out all of them, but I'm not that sort of reviewer, unfortunately.
Instead, we'll be talking about all the intrinsic elements and dissecting their cores!
The Beginning
The beginning is often the hardest part of the entire story, as it must a) Hook the readers in, b) Set the tone of the work, and c) Set a certain expectation of where the story might go (as in either subverting or foreshadowing the ending). So far, your beginning is 50% there. It sets the readers' expectations of a story about the boredom of monotony. It already has the bored tone of the work.
Whether or not it hooks the reader in is up for debate, but personally I don't think it worked that well. I know it was meant to be a boring beginning, because the rest of the story is supposed to be boring, but while reading the first sentence I wasn't compelled to read further. There was no real question mark that needed to be answered, something that most beginnings ought to have. It wasn't a character establishing moment, either, so I'm not compelled to read it to know more about the character in the beginning. It was just a statement. A very boring, a very plain statement. Not much fun, is it?
However, there's also another part of why I didn't like the beginning, which will carried on by,
The Voice
The authors' voice is often the most important element of a work, whether the author realizes it or not. I liken it to the filter or color scheme of a film--it's not something the audience is aware of, but Marvel's bright color scheme in their films allows more range between funny and serious scenes, whereas it's difficult to find any scene funny in a DC film considering their gritty and dark color scheme, and thus most DC films feel one-note. The voice of a work must match the tone of a work, and therefore the narrator can't be distant in an intimate love story and the narrator can't be too close in a fantastical war story circling around 30 characters.
I felt like your voice felt a bit rushed, as if it was speeding through the story. Your beginning, for example, utilizes commas more than periods, in a way that subconsciously makes me read it like a salesman rushing through important (but not marketable) details so that they can emphasize on the good things about their products. This works in some cases, but in this case it doesn't, because the entire story centers around the idea of boredom and repetition. Something I would imagine to be agonizingly slow. It works in some cases, for example when your protagonist briefly goes on a rampage based entirely off of their insanity, but in others its better if you keep it slow. Quiet, but not in the calming way. Eerie.
(See what I did there? The magic of full stops!)
The Plot/Premise
I'm smashing these two together, even though I usually consider them separate, because, in this case, it looks like the two are one in the same. Basically, I admire it. As I said before, it's interesting, and it has enough places to go that it warrants an entire book, but as a short story it works just as well. It's not an original idea, mind you--repetition is easily the most common hell out there. But what I haven't seen is the idea of someone trying to get out of it. I've seen people trying to escape, only to accidentally cause the cycle to start all over again, but in your case, it's more of a Groundhog Day situation, where there are no consequences to whatever horrible action the protagonist does. And you do a very good job of emphasizing how terrifying it is, living in a world without consequence. It sort of reminds me of a theory about how the Joker is actually super-sane rather than insane, where he knows that he's in a comic book and nothing he does would ever actually hurt anybody because nothing in his world is real.
My favorite (and probably most conflicted part) is the love interest character. While I love how you used him/her, them coming along is probably also where the story falls apart for me. Why? Well, because it introduces the idea that the main character actually can get out of this hell, and it only comes back occasionally. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, really, but I like them more than I dislike them. I like how they provide more conflict in the story, thus separating the story from the other batch of "Repetition Hell," and I like how eventually the main character turns against their love interest too.
Overall, while the premise itself doesn't stand out from the crowd, you managed to make it seem more original than it actually is by exploring the idea, offering something new to the table. Very nice.
Sincerely,
--Elliot.
Thank you for your detailed review. I shall try to keep your advice in mind for the next short story I post. If I write one that is interesting enough to post anyway.
Hey!
I really like your thinking throughout the story - the describtion of repetition is well done. you make the reader feel the hardship of being stuck in time and never moving forward.
Your ending was well done as well - it was not something you would expect and that is what makes it uniqe. your gramma and pronunciation was great. There was little mistakes and I will recomend reading it through again to fix the last mistakes. I did just read over them, but sometimes it can disturb someone reading the book.
There is also the way you constantly use the word 'repeat' - maybe use it in the beginning and at the end, but in the middle find other substitutes.
Well that is what I have. I hope, I did not repeat what someone else has written.
Keep up the good work!
I left the repetitive language there intentionally because I figured it fit the narrative, but if you all feel like it distracts rather then Immerses.
Thank you for your thoughts.
It is not something that make the story chaotic and if you use it as an emphasize, then it is also good. I do not think you should change it - sometimes it is common that one uses the same word, because they cannot expand their vocabulary. It is good to know that this was not the case.
I hope, I was of some help
You are welcome!
Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
This is a cool story concept. As you said, it has been done before, I think perhaps most famously in the movie "Groundhog Day". In this story you did a good job creating the illusion of repetition and showing the passage of time. Your writing really pulled me in, probably because of the second person point of view, which I understand can also be very hard to write in, but you did a good job with that, too.
Now, that being said, I do have a few suggestions for you. First of all, read through this again, thoroughly. I noticed a few spelling and grammar mistakes that threw me off while reading. Just read through again and see if you can eliminate them.
Another suggestion I had for this piece would be to use a wider variety of language. For example, you repeatedly call the repeated days "repeats". This is fine, but I felt that the word itself got rather repetitive. If you substituted other words in for "repeats" from time to time, I feel like it could add a lot more to the story, perhaps help formulate the mood. Perhaps calling them "endless loop" or "hellish repetitions" or something similar. You had a few other words or phrases that I felt were also repetitive, and when you read through this piece again, try either eliminating them or replacing them with figurative language.
Finally, I found the end a little bit confusing. Is the character going though another sort of loop, in between days that repeat themselves over exactly and days where the character and his acquaintances just seem immortal? Is this better or worse? Does the character still love their partner? try adding a little bit more detail, or rearranging what you already have, to clarify these points.
Anyways, thanks for the read! This was a good idea, I hope you had fun writing it!
herbgirl
Why would a story about repition avoid repetitive language?
As for the end I figured I said enough to establish a few things. Sorry if I didn't go into enough detail, but in short. The repeats were modified to include a stabilizing element which makes "you" hate them because "you" realizes why their around. Everytime "you almost break "you" are put in a idealized world for a rough equivalent of how much time "you" spent in the loops. And this happens every time "you" are about to break. With the final piece presenting how "you" are getting more and more resistant to breaking. With the final repeat I list mentions "you" lasting 55,814.718 years. Along with the implication that the repeats will continue.
p.s thank you for your thoughts.