Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Slabs of Prussian blue laid by a thick brush on leaves and vines and
the broken masonry of a broken empire. Twilight midtones laid over a
grounding of deepening black as the sun sank from view, a last wild
stroke of pink-purple that failed to complete the canvas. Jagged
oppressive blue jungle, the sweat of leaves cloying to the skin of the
last villagers to go home. Crickets and mosquitoes and the strange
grunts of the night beasts reverberating through the ruined halls of the
shrine. The jungle's dark, damp heartbeat.
An orange pinprick
appeared in the darkening. A lone incense stick in a chipped cup of
rice. He put out his match and smiled with quiet satisfaction, heedless
of the itching discomfort of insectbite and sweat. No priest's beads or
finery had he, no censer or great book. A single figure sitting in near
darkness on the broken steps of a broken house of a deity long departed.
Yet his smile spoke of secrets he alone knew.
Inbreathe.
Gently intone guttural, mellifluous words whose meanings you know not.
Your jaw aches as your tongue moves in unfamiliar ways; it stumbles
over a syllable. The meaning changes. You blanch. Your heart trembles.
You start again.
Inbreathe. Wind rushes through the upper reaches of
you, a downward journey to your deepest secrets. It teaches you to let
go, to float on the wordstream flowing out your mouth, and in the
shadows of the mysterious words you glimpse, briefly, something that
needs no translation. Something you know and have always known. It
vanishes before you can truly understand what you have seen. But you
know it's out there, waiting to be found.
Your brow touches the earth, but your soul is full of clouds.
Pillars
reaching towards the sky, gilt-lined capitals with their precious
stones flashing beneath a radiant sun. Temples and palaces and the
statues of gods and kings, waves lapping at a harbour scented with
spices and strange oils from distant lands. A curious silence in the
marketplace as the merchants refrain from their usual haggling, charging
the customers the true price at the outset of the deal. There are no
smiles, and the air hangs heavy like a weight over the bazaar, a miasma
choking the joy out of commerce. Flies settle on the supine forms of
beggars. The docksides are empty. For three weeks now there has been no
wind, no ships - no trade.
Priests are consulted and after great
ceremony they produce the verdict of the gods: the wealth of the city is
an affront to heaven. Material pursuits have blinded the people to the
tending of the spirit. The winds will blow again when the last gold coin
vanishes from the city.
Humbled, the merchants and princes and
strip off their goldleafed robes and empty their vaults and bare the
city of all traces of that metal. Treasure ships are loaded high and
sent out beyond the waters of home.
There they consign the city's
wealth to the gods and the sea that made them rich. The gold glimmers
beneath the surface for a while. And is lost.
With age we grow a
great carapace of responsibility, a massive spiky shell around the soft
and timid thing in the centre. It is a gentle being and the laughter of
childhood is not too distant that it does not wish to dance, to sing, to
paint, to soar. Yet we have confined this innermost part of our selves
within a cage, a fortress meant to protect it from a world we suspect to
be cruel. So that our naked souls are not hurt and cut and pierced upon
the bristling defences and pretences of those around us.
We long to
shed our skins, to let go of these things we don't need and show our
true forms. Sans shell. Sans flesh. Sans bone. Thought and soul, we can
travel light, you and I. For in the end we were not so different after
all.
At the highest peak a pile of smoothened stones. Each stone
cradled in the arms of a pilgrim as they have made their way up the old
road carved onto the mountainside by forgotten hands. A treacherous path
even in antiquity and after centuries of neglect now almost impossible.
Still, every few years someone makes an attempt to reach the shrine –
the local law enforcers resignedly clearing away the twisted remains
after the inevitable slip, and the long, awful fall.
If you could
make it to the summit and see the shrine for yourself – you would find
each stone marked; with paint curiously fresh or faded into nothingness,
with etchings smoothed by the elements, with chalk, ink, blood and dye.
Writing in languages local and impossibly distant, a pluralistic
conference of prayer, praise and rebuke as people from all faiths and
none have journeyed to this spot, to speak their piece.
A long road
to travel, with the danger of being cut painfully short, and at the end
the slimmest, some would say nonexistent, chance to communicate
something to... someone. To remind the universe that you were, briefly,
here.
Perhaps this reminds you of something else.
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Great prose, ZoMa! The language used in this piece is certainly very eloquent! Some suggestions though--I think it takes a little bit away when you use too many adjectives and adverbs in a short story. Like Ehobby and Legibletext already mentioned, perhaps such deep thoughts would be better conveyed through a poem. You certainly don't have to take my suggestions though. Overall, great great great writing that is very expressive. You certainly have the gift for making readers feel!!!
Keep Writing,
-Zanda
Hello!
I really enjoyed reading your work. Its immersive and descriptive. I only caution you that in short stories, writing paragraphs upon paragraphs of flowy prose can sometimes use up your words. The "inbreathes" are great ways of breaking up the description. I agree with the other reviewer that your piece could make a great poem, but I like it as a short story as well.
Keep writing!
Good job and good luck!
Hi, Legible here.
I admire your ability to express; you do so beautifully...however, I feel like this story could have been better in poem form. I think deep ideas like this are better expressed in poems. You can do so in stories, but I didn't really latch on to what the story actually was. It felt more like a long romantically expressive essay on spirituality rather than a story. Maybe I am just to dumb to appreciate what you have to say, lol but I found myself losing attention to the piece a few times.
But don't worry, that is my opinion and doesn't mean you suck, I am just very critical sometimes, maybe a little too much, haha.