Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Once, in an old time village, a spooky legacy haunts the nights of Kampung Tropika, just around two kilometers south from Kapit, Sarawak, Malaysia. As legend says that the nights were haunted by a white illusion with black straight hair a pale face accompanied with dark-reddish eyes and razor sharp fangs attached to the upper jaw. Yes, it is the all-time ghost myth of the Malays, popularly known as "Pontianak"! I've heard a dozen stories of this typical myth but, I refuse to believe in such nonsense! As they say, 'there are no such things as ghost'.
On the 21st of July 2011, me and my best pal, Stevie Andrian Lopez, a British descendent from Mexico whom I met when I was having a vacation in the British Isles back on the eve of Christmas last year, decided to head for Kampung Tropika to reveal the truth whether this myth is a reality or a fraud. From Sibu, Sarawak, it took us approximately four hours to get there by car or any other means of transport except walking! Stevie exclaimed that myths such as this, are quite similar to the myths in Britain. In Britain, myths regarding the existence of sorcerers, magical dwarfs, sea dragons, vampires and trolls inhibit the minds of British residents. But on the contrary, myths about the "Pontianak" are surprisingly breathtaking to discover if it is a reality. "Well, in your dreams, Stevie" I compromised. "Why's that?" he asked. "Well, if this world does have those kind of creatures, humans would suffer the consequences of being executed and perhaps, even worse, eaten by them!" I explained. "Oh, I see" exclaimed Stevie. As we had already arrived at Kampung Tropika, we started our quest to unlock this myth once and for all.
We went deeper and deeper into the village entering each abandoned house, cave and, huts but nothing was in sight. Only the hooting of owls fills the night's sound. After hours and hours of searching, we finally gave up and concluded that the "Pontianak" does not exist. "I told you Stevie, there are no such things as.....Aaaaahhhh!!!" "What, what's wrong?" asked Stevie. "There,ther,there is,is,issss a,a.....GHOST!!!" I shouted in total fear. A white illusion with black straight hair and a pale face accompanied with dark-reddish eyes and razor sharp fangs attached to the upper jaw is hovering in front of us. Me and Stevie were so shocked that we could hardly move an inch. The Pontianak just hovers at one place and we could not think of anything as the fear was so intense that our minds were frozen in fear. The white illusion kept still and slowly our fear disappears.
We gained our movement and tried to tip-toe slowly away from the scene. In a split second, the Pontianak just vanished in our sights. "Phew!, that was a close one, huh, Stevie?" I asked. "Yes, indeed it is" he answered. "Ok, I admit it, the Pontianak is real! Well, we got the proof, so lets spread the word!" I suggested. Stevie agreed and we headed back to our car. We went into the car and slammed the door. However, we heard three door slams as there are only the two of us in the car. "Stevie, did you hear something?" I asked. "No, why?" he answered. "Nothing." I replied. we ignored the unusual sound and continued our journey back home. Just 15 minutes along the trip, I felt a sudden tickle on my shoulder. "Stevie, you fool, stop tickling me!" I ordered. "Uh? That wasn't me." he replied. "Then, who did?" I asked. We looked at the back and the white illusion was merrily smiling to us to greet us hell. We are in hot soup now and in an instant, we screamed "Aaaaaahhhhhh.....!!!!" in a high pitched voice kind of like the female version of scream. In extreme fear and shock, I lost control of the car and two meters in front of us is a huge gorge around 20 feet deep. The car fell into the gorge and we hold our hands to wish farewell and................
"News reports that two young men were involved in a heavy accident which has ended in a 20 foot deep gorge near Kampung Tropika, Kapit where none survived the tragic scene." a news reporter reported a day after. What happened? Am I still alive? Did you really think I am dead as the news report said earlier? If so, how on earth did I wrote this story to all of you who read this? Well, no one knows but here is a bit of a hint,......I might be beside you right now.....and....I am not alone....................!
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Hey there so the tilt it really made me want to read the story and I like how you kept it short but I have to say it lacked the horror except the end of course but still ... I was not feeling the chills and all and I was alone and it was night still I was not able to feel a thing maybe it ur language you could've like extended the lines like" suddenly I saw a flicker in the darkest of nights."Stevie? Did you see something?" "No, why?" "I thought I...I...I.." there was a lump in my throat, I couldn't swallow, shivers traveled down my spine. It was..it was right in front of me, of us, the eyes, the teeth,the hair, the skin all just like I heard." never really say the name of the ghost or the describe again, u'll make it boring. By the way amazing climax.
Thanks for your feedback AllisonArgent. Yeah, maybe I might lacked the horror part except for the ending but, for your information, I am not a horror fan and I don't know much about horror so I just tried my luck on writing this and at least it is a good start for a first work. There are more exciting reads coming up in a giffy! More which does not involve any horror. Haha! Yet again, thanks for the review and I appreciate your comments and criticism about my first work. Cheers and have a good day ahead!
NO PROBS.
Hello
Thomas here.
Wow, that ending was spooky, nicely done!
I agree with what EverWinter said below, especially the description of the ghost, i wanted to know more about the ghost to depict a clearer picture of it in my mind. Play around with it, see what you can come up with.
Apart from that, i really liked the story, certain points gave me chills! ( i tend to get scared easily, hehe)
Hope you continue on writing and have a great day/night!
~Thomas~
Thanks for your feedback Thomas. I'll try to improve more on my next writing especially the descriptive part which I can improve more. All in all, glad you really liked my first work so far and there's more to come real soon. Cheers!
-Azziq-
What. the. actual. heck. I nearly jumped when I read the ending. Allow me to review your work.
So with horror stories, dialogue should be scarce, which it is here. That's great. You nailed that part.
So for the nitpicks i have, there is a distinct style here in this writing. You are extremely formal and that style is great. But you have to stick with it the entire time. You can't have a lot of exclamation points or all caps. So I'd get rid of the screaming if I were you. Second, the phrase "best pal" doesn't really fit. "Lifelong friend" would be more appropriate.
Also, the description of the ghost is everything. It needs to give you chills. So if you decide to rewrite it, spend a good amount of time on that. It needs to be chilling, and really get to people.
Okay, so for the dialogue, I personally think that calm is more disconcerting than screaming. Whispers and calm are better than screaming and forced fear. Nervous shakes and flitting eyes.
Description is everything in these stories. So make sure the details are interesting and nerve racking.
Last thing, I'd get rid of the exclamation point at the end and make the ellipses short.
That's pretty much it. I enjoyed reading this and I think your readers will enjoy it.
EverWinter
Thanks for the review EverWinter. I really appreciate your feedback on my first work so far. Yeah, maybe I need to describe the ghost more as you guys really want to know about myths in Malaysia. About the screaming and such, I am not a horror fan but, I like to try out new things and try to get out of my comfort zone and hearing that you got the chills, means that I can write horror eh? Sorry for the exclamation points. I didn't know it until now that you not need it in this story and I'll try to improve in my next writing and maybe I could review some of yours in return. All in all, glad and thrilled that you enjoyed my short story and there are more thrilling stories especially about Malaysia coming up. Cheers and thanks again for the review.