Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.
**Please note: This is a work-in-progress. A very rough draft. The title is also a work in progress. If you want to read more, please tell me. Also, please critique this. This is based on a true story, but a lot of it is fiction. I appreciate all reviews. Thank you.**
EDIT: Rewrite is up! https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work/Ziploc/She-Should-Have-Died--Chapter-1-Rewrite-119322
She was born to parents who were drug addicts and alcoholics.
Gene found her in a dumpster, just a few minutes after her drunk father had run off.
Her whimpers were low, and barely audible, but he heard them.
Putting the bag of garbage down, he reached into the dumpster and scooped a little baby up; a ghastly thin figure, covered in bruises, cuts and welts.
The little baby wouldn’t have been recognizable.
“God, how? Why?” he wondered aloud, frightened and almost too scared to move.
He took out his phone with shaky hands and dialed 911:
“I found a baby...in a dumpster..” his voice began to tremble, “It’s about to die..please get somebody over to [insert address] quickly!”
He dropped the phone and sank onto the ground, pressing the barely breathing baby to his chest.
“God, please...let her live.”
Her breathing was short, irregular. She wasn’t whimpering anymore, she was about to die.
“God please get them here fast…”
An ambulance, a paramedic truck, and two police cars skidded to a stop.
Tears fell down the man’s eyes as he handed the baby over to a paramedic.
“Oh my God! Get this baby to the hospital...Oh my God!” The paramedic ran with the baby and got into the back of the ambulance, another paramedic following after with the medical kits.
Gene was left to explain what he knew to the police, his heart racing and aching. Who could do that to a baby??
Meanwhile, in the ambulance, the baby was given mouth to mouth resuscitation, followed by gentle CPR.
"Oh, my God...she is going to die.." the paramedic who was usually calm and collected, had never seen a case like this before, and it put him in a panic mode.
He could do nothing else for the baby except pray.
As the other paramedic continued CPR and resuscitation, he got down on his knees and begged God to spare the little girl, or put her out of her misery.
She was still alive when they reached the hospital, and rushed her to emergency surgery due to severe hemorrhaging inside.
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140,862 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Hey, Cat here to review! First of all, I am so moved by this piece and curious about what is going to happen next. This short story is heart-breaking! D: (Of course, being a writing website, that's actually a good thing.
) It's also especially excellent for a rough draft.
Hope my review helps!
Secondly, there are a few things I would like to mention to make the story a bit more flow-y and easy to read.
#1: I seriously admire your ability to grab people's attention in the first line (I talent I do not posses), I'm not sure that that sentence is a good one for this particular story. How should the man know who the little girl's parents were? You could add that part in, perhaps in a later installment, when the parents have been identified and brought into court or something.
#2: This has a very simple and descriptive style. That's part of what makes it hit you so hard in the feels, but I think it would be even better if you fleshed it out. Write more about the thoughts going through his head. Write more about the appearance of the poor little girl. I'm especially curious about that. Like, does she have internal bleeding? Has she got a concussion? I'd love to know more.
#3:Though the ending is dramatically abrupt, I think you should at least maybe break the news about her survival (or lack thereof). What I think would be really cool is if after the part about her being rushed inside, you flashed back to the man as he said a prayer or something. He could be crying. (I over-think misery sometimes, sorry.)
And that's it! All in all, this is a beautiful and sad story that I would love to see more of. 9 stars!
~Cat
Hey there Cat ^.^
Thanks so much for reading & and your review!
I added a rewrite of chapter one a couple of days ago, if you'd like to read it ^.^
Tell me what you think
Peace out! ^.^
i think that in this story you made the people pray a little to much for the baby about letting her live but overall i think it was a great story very very sad and totally draws you in from the first word
Hey there...thanks for taking the time to read. I completely agree about the praying part, and had already changed that in the new edit I'm working on. I'm an atheist myself, but I have definitely found myself calling out to a higher being when in distress lol. Thank you for the comment. Peace out! ^.^
This is really interesting, I really enjoy this! A bit disturbing, but you know...interesting. (I sort of write disturbing stuff, too. Like PTSD and depression and death and stuff. Yeah). You're blatant with truth. This horrible stuff does happen, and I'm glad you're bringing awareness to it. I like the story line so far. Some more descriptive words and phrases would be nice (I'm all about that figurative language), but I think the blunt style suits the story. Really good start! Keep working at this.
Thank you for your review. I am currently in the process of editing this chapter. I will update it soon. Thank you for taking the time to read. Peace out! ^.^
Good