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Kingdom of Shadow

by Zion


This is another story from my world as well. Hope you like it... Its not finished though

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Elenor. A city of beauty, its marble towers engraved with golden runes, piercing the blue clear skies above. After the Degree of Nations that was brought in 2089 by the Council of Equilibrium, a small kingdom was created in the summit of the Sunrise Mountains. This city-state was governed by The Archbishop Geondar, grandson of Otam II, emperor of the former Elenian Empire. At first many thought that this was nothing but a feeble attempt of the now dead advisors and nobles from Rinodan to re-establish Elenia, but under a different name. They were wrong. With the coronation of Invictus, these plans failed. The Archbishop Geondar is also a Favored One as Invictus, and he wanted a new form of a kingdom. The forging of the new children of Humanity. He preaches the religion of the Favored Ones, those who have been touched by the Holy Gods, now presented as Saints. Yes, they were, are saints, and his cause was seen as just and holy. That’s how Elenor was established. As a kingdom of perfection, a kingdom of wonder, a kingdom that will erase the past sins of Humanity. Elenorians don’t care much of war; they care only of improving not only their life-style but also they bodies, their minds and souls. Elenorian healers are some of the best known in Archanon. But amidst the lavish wonders of Elenor there is no place for the poor, or the weak. To be an Elenorian means not only to be rich, but to be respected, wise and intelligent. That’s the only crime Elenor has made against this world. By many, nowadays Elenor is seen as a promising kingdom, even though small in territory, its resources are vast. They have now joined the League of Peace, among Equilibrium, Aurin, The Scaraabian Dynasty, The Dwarven Clans and the Mata Nui. And today, in 2130 New Age, Elenor was put to a test…

The cloaked halfling was shouting on the streets of Elenor:

-The Archbishop, the one that brought us together! The DEVIL! A spawn of Evil. A shadow!-He was running down the streets, towards the Academy. Finally one of the guards stopped him:

-Sir please calm down! If you don’t stop this I’m afraid I will. Come with me to the Guards Post.

-No! NO! Stay back! You will turn me in one of them! Stay back!-The halfling shouted, launching a Magic Sphere towards the guard. The chaotic sphere of swirling magic struck down the guard, he slammed on the ground, his chain mail making a terrible noise. Everyone on the streets was staring at the halfling. Some of the citizens came to help him:

-Sir is there something wrong? Please let us help you. That’s why we are citizens!-The told him their voices filled with fear, from the uncontrollable magic of the halfling.

-No, no, no! Stay back! Stay back from me! NO!-eventually, more guards came and stopped him, and chained his hands with a dampening collar. They dragged him to the nearest guard post, as he was shouting down the streets, sobbing:

-Geondar has gone mad brothers and sisters! HEAR ME! The Human wants us all dead! He summoned and army of the Abyss! Run while you still can!-The halfling has gone mad, everyone thought, confused. Not even the children were laughing at him. To speak such words against the Favored Cleric, blasphemy. You have to be either the bravest mage that ever walked on Archanon, or to be the stupidest one. The noon sun was reflecting against the trail of tears that ran down his face. His tattered rags were like a dark spot, a drop of ink on a letter that had to be erased. In the Kingdom of Perfection there was no place for the mad, the poor and the chaotic. The once tranquil city of Elenor, its golden silence was being shattered by the ravaging of a crazy halfling.

They cam in front of the Guard Post. A small stone building, much different than the other lavish towers and domes. Inside there was the captain, angry as usual. He ruffled his fingers through his gray hair, blue eyes, examing the map of the great city. The wooden doors opened wide, and the guards and the halfling entered inside.

-So this is the madman that is causing all this trouble?-the captain eyed him raising an eyebrow, trying to hide his anger.

-Yes sir, one of our patrols found him half an our ago-one of the guards said.

-Why is he wearing a dampening collar?-the captain asked the young guard.

-Sir, he injured one of the guards of the patrol I mentioned.

-An assassin?-the captain smirked at the halfling who was sitting there, silent, his face still cloaked.

-A mage I suppose. Or a sorcerer.-the guard answered.

-He couldn’t control his magic sir. He is obviously a sorcerer, the usual madmen, ravaging the lands.-the other guard said, with discustment.

-I’m a Scion…-the halfling said quietly-Please remove the collar.

-A what?!-The captain was amazed-Don’t play fools with me halfling or I will have your head on that table, you understand?

-That’s what was said about the Tao-Maj. That’s what was said about the Grand Elves, the Yaka Ha’lli. That’s what was said about the Dark Claw and the Turquoise Archers. Now please remove my collar, please…-the halfling said, lowering his voice, almost begging.

-How do we now you won’t use your magic against us, Scion?-the captain eyed him questionigly.He might be right, the captain thought to himself.

-I’m only an Initiate Scion, you are six guards in chain mails, with swords and arrows. I don’t even have decent clothes.

-So be it-the captain sighed-Guards you heard him. Remove the dampening collar.-One of the guards came, and took a key from his pocket. He unlocked the collar, a fiery ring that was looping from his hands disappearing immidiaty.

-Ah, much better.-the halfling said, cudling his hands.

-Who are you halfling?-the catain asked.

-Me? M-m-m-y name is from no importance to you.-the halfling was running away from something.

-Yes it is. And I want that name, NOW! I’ve already wasted my time with you, you filthy little halfling.-the captain was getting mad.

-I’ve been hiding for so many years. I don’t see a reason to hide myself any longer.-the halfling sighed-I’m, was, Dorim Van Angest.-the captain and the others hissed or laughed. Wispers started tospread among the young soldeirs. The captain bursted out laughing.

-Ha ha ha! A good joke little one! Now, tell me who are you?-the captain was becoming very serious.

-Belive it or not, I’m Dorim.- hr took of his cloak, and long white hair fell to his shoulders, a pale face, dark, black eyes. An aura of undeath eminating from it.-Everyone was shocked. The captain took a few steps back. His forehead drenching with sweat. The guards preparing their weapons.

-T-t-ake him to the dungeons! Summon the Archbishop. You boy!-he looked at one of the guards that brought Dorim-Go immidiatly to the Grand Council. Tell them a messanger of the Dark Claw has arrived.

-Please, don’t do this.-Dorim said-there is no reason for violence, I’m not a necromancer anymore.

-You’re not a necromancer! You’re a vampire, a abomination, a LICH! There is only a matter of weeks before your skin fells off.-the captain was reaching for his sword. In the same moment the doors came down an the small room was filled with soldiers and mages-Take him! Take him out of my sight!-the captain yelled, falling on the ground, crawling away from Dorim. Even the soldiers and mages were afraid from him. Dorim turned towards them, two spheres of black matter gathering in his small pale hands, his tattered rags engulfed in purple flames, and turning in black leather robes. Clothes that even the strongest and most powerful of dark mages woudn’t ressist.

-I’m warning you…move away.-No one did, everyone was just staring at him, petrified, their arms shivering. He grabed one of the soldiers and put his finger on the neck, making a small cut. Small drops of blood were falling down the neck of the young soldier.

-Let me go sir, please.-he was sobbing- He, all of them new Dorim’s power, a former Magistrate of the Dark Claw, the only halfling necromancer that has ever walked these lands. Even the grass was withered from his touch. No one new how he managed to keep his form, and not becoming a lich for over 1000 years.

-No boy, no. I won’t let you go. Not until our friends here clear the road, so master Dorim can go home.-he was wispering on his ear, the young soldier onhis knees.

-Please, listen to him!-he said, shivering sweat and blood running down his face. The road cleared, the group of mages and soldiers moved back.

-That’s it…-Dorim said statisfactionly. With the boy in his grips, he started to move slowly, his black eyes glaring at the others, fearful and dangerous-Don’t make anything stupid now…-suddenly someone shot an arrow at him. All the others bend down, like they were timed, awakening them from the schok.

-Who did…-Dorim looked around when…

-I DID!- someone yelled from above him.


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Fri May 18, 2007 7:09 pm
theron guard wrote a review...



Awesome story! It was so good I want to read it again and again. I echo from everyone. It was great. It was wounderful. It was one of the best stories stories ever. I really, really, really, really, really want to hear more of it. It was so good! You should have it published. If it was ever published, I would tell all my friends and family to bye a copy! Now go out there and be the best writer ever! Keep up the hgreat, great, great, great work! ! You rule! Hope to hear more! And oh, it was long. But it was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo worth it! Oh, it was just so good. Keep up the super job. And when I mean super, I meen suoer, super! So be encouraged and be the best writer in the whole world, galaxy, UNIVERSE! You rule! Later.




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Fri Jan 07, 2005 7:55 pm
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Zion says...



Thanx Mesh. I will change them :wink:




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Fri Jan 07, 2005 12:03 am
Meshugenah says...



I know my writing skills are not that good, Im macedonian, english gives me a really hard time, but I like my ideas

i like you ideas as well! lol, don't worry, we're here to help you with your english! and for english giving you a hard time, you're doing really well.
ok, now to nit pick...
Her white cape, wearing the insignia of Elenor on the back, waving on the gentle breeze

i think you mean with, not wearing, or maybe you can say her white cape bore the insigngia of Elenor, and it waved in the the gnetle breeze... i don't know. or leave it as it is, just change wearing to with.
-I see your brain hasn’t rotted yet.-

i don't like yet in this case. I woudl either take it out, or change it to something like entirely or completely.
he said regeining his strength, rasing from the ground, wiping the dust from him

regaining his strength doesn't sound right... maybe takeing it our or changing it somehow.. not sure how i would change at the moment. and raising should be rising, i believe.
This didn’t hapend? Am I understood?

Happen, and i think a statement would work better then a question.
Very well them. Now go, an take some rest, we don’t see abominations less much necromancers in this fair city

an should be and, and less and much should be switched. Also, a comma after abominations would be nice.

The last few lines about the man on the wall lost me...other then that, good!




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Thu Jan 06, 2005 1:11 pm
Zion says...



heres the otehr part. its not much though.
__________________________________
-I DID! - someone yelled from above him. On the roof of a small house, in front of the noon sun there was a she-elf. An archer. Her white cape, wearing the insignia of Elenor on the back, waving on the gentle breeze. Her deep green eyes penetrating the dark gaze of Dorim.
-Who in the name of Scionis are you?!-Dorim asked, reachiing for the neck of the young soldier.
-I’m Andara. A Pearl Archer in the service of Elenor. That was a warning shot, necromancer…-she said to him.
-I guess you want me to put the boy down yes?-Dorim smirked at her.
-I see your brain hasn’t rotted yet.-she said, taking another arrow from her quill.
-You blind fools! Your Archbishop has gone mad! I tried to warn you. But I can see that the lavishness and the arrogance has poisned your mind.-he kicked the boy with his foot on the ground, and he steped back. In the same moment, black flames consumed him, and he was gone.
-He will be back…-Andara said, jumping on the ground where he vanished. She took the boy in her arms- Are you all right soldier?
-Yes, yes…I think I am.-he said regeining his strength, rasing from the ground, wiping the dust from him.
-All of you, listen to me…-Andara looked at the other soldiers and mages around- This didn’t hapend? Am I understood? The Archbishop is not feeling right and the least he needs is this scandal. Double the patrols, I want extra guards in front of every door in the castle.
-Yes m’lady.-the captian said- We shall keep this a secret.
-Very well them. Now go, an take some rest, we don’t see abominations less much necromancers in this fair city.-she said, knwoing that he will return, sooner than she thought. Or at least that’s what she thought. A man said, watching them from the distance leaned on the wall. His pale hand touching the marble wall, exposing a strange ring, a ring that wore the symbol of the Dark Claw.
-Soit seems that Dorim still lives. And even joined the Scions. - A smile stretched on his cloaked face, vampire teeth showing, many and grotesque.




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Tue Jan 04, 2005 7:28 pm
Zion says...



WOW Crysi thanks you're the best! :D Acctually I continued writing it, so I plan to post the other part as well. I know my writing skills are not that good, Im macedonian, english gives me a really hard time, but I like my ideas. I think I mentioned it, but this story also takes place in Archanon




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Tue Jan 04, 2005 12:53 am
Crysi wrote a review...



*nods* I agree with everything Mesh said. And the first part was a little confusing to me, although that might be because I only got four hours of sleep last night.. Anyway, you also might want to consider breaking it up into paragraphs, if you haven't already done so. These forums don't like paragraphs, but breaking it up would make it a lot easier to read.

Other than that.. there were a few spelling mistakes, and a few sentences that I thought were a little odd, but nothing major. I would elaborate, but I have to go soon.

Anyway, I really love this story, especially how the 'halfling' seems so innocent and helpless at the beginning (yes, I know he takes out a guard, but he just seems to be fleeing) and then is so menacing at the end! And I REALLY like the ending! I want to know who would dare shoot an arrow at him! Excellent job. Maybe I'll stop giving you such a hard time.. Nah. It's too much fun. :wink:




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Wed Dec 29, 2004 12:20 am
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Zion says...



Thanx mesh! You're great. And yeah, I think it to be a short novel of some sorts. Bu who now it might even turn out as a trilogy? :P :D




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Wed Dec 29, 2004 12:11 am
Meshugenah wrote a review...



Elenor. A city of beauty, its marble towers engraved with golden runes, piercing the blue clear skies above.

i'm just going to use this sentance as an example, but tell more, don't show. i mainly noticed this in the first half tho, the second was much better with that... also, i'm not a big fan of one word sentances unless it's in dialogue. maybe start with something likea city of beauty, elenor's marble towers were engraved with gold... er, yeah. not the best example, but you get the idea.
-The Archbishop, the one that brought us together! The DEVIL! A spawn of Evil. A shadow!-He was running down the streets, towards the Academy. Finally one of the guards stopped him:

um, can you use quotes? please? i find it hard to read dialogue like this.. " ", not - -.
The once tranquil city of Elenor, its golden silence was being shattered by the ravaging of a crazy halfling.

i thought this sounded akward. maybe the golden silence of Elenor was shattered by the ravaging of a crazy halfling.
And today, in 2130 New Age, Elenor was put to a test…

not my favorite way to say what the date/time period is. if this is going to be a story (not just backstory), whether stand-alone or part of your novel, i would break it there, and then go on the say (like in a memo, mb?) that the date is 2130, make sense? plus, this is more of a showing method, not just telling.

now thati'm done nit picking lol :thumb: keep it up





Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
— Charles Mingus