Young Writers Society

all rightay...
::cracks fingers::

Griffinkeeper did a very nice job of editing so i'm just going to correct some of the most apparent grammatical and spelling errors.

Arvandor wrote:A city of beauty, its marble towers engraved with golden runes, piercing the blue clear skies above.

Arvandor wrote:Yes, they were, are saints, and his cause was seen as just and holy.

Arvandor wrote:Elenorians don’t care much of war; they care only of improving not only their life-style but also they bodies, their minds and souls.

Arvandor wrote:The cloaked halfling was shouting on the streets of Elenor:
-The Archbishop, the one that brought us together! The DEVIL! A spawn of Evil. A shadow!-He was running down the streets, towards the Academy. Finally one of the guards stopped him:
-Sir please calm down! If you don’t stop this I’m afraid I will. Come with me to the Guards Post.

Arvandor wrote:The chaotic sphere of swirling magic struck down the guard, he slammed on the ground, his chain mail making a terrible noise.

Arvandor wrote:Everyone on the streets was staring at the halfling. Some of the citizens came to help him:

Arvandor wrote:-Sir is there something wrong? Please let us help you. That’s why we are citizens!-The told him their voices filled with fear, from the uncontrollable magic of the halfling.

Arvandor wrote:-Geondar has gone mad brothers and sisters! HEAR ME! The Human wants us all dead! He summoned and army of the Abyss! Run while you still can!-The halfling has gone mad, everyone thought, confused.

Arvandor wrote:To speak such words against the Favored Cleric, blasphemy.

Arvandor wrote:You have to be either the bravest mage that ever walked on Archanon, or to be the stupidest one.

Arvandor wrote:They cam in front of the Guard Post.

Arvandor wrote:He ruffled his fingers through his gray hair, blue eyes, examining the map of the great city.

Arvandor wrote:-So this is the madman that is causing all this trouble?-the captain eyed him raising an eyebrow, trying to hide his anger.

Arvandor wrote:-Yes sir, one of our patrols found him half an our ago-one of the guards said.

Arvandor wrote:-He couldn’t control his magic sir. He is obviously a sorcerer, the usual madmen, ravaging the lands.-the other guard said, with discustment.

Arvandor wrote:-Believe it or not, I’m Dorim. - hr took of his cloak, and long white hair fell to his shoulders, a pale face, dark, black eyes.

Arvandor wrote:-That’s it…-Dorim said statisfactionly.

Arvandor wrote:With the boy in his grips, he started to move slowly, his black eyes glaring at the others, fearful and dangerous-Don’t make anything stupid now…-suddenly someone shot an arrow at him. All the others bend down, like they were timed, awakening them from the shock.

Arvandor wrote:-Who did…-Dorim looked around when…
-I DID! - someone yelled from above him.

Arvandor wrote:-All of you, listen to me…-Andara looked at the other soldiers and mages around- This didn’t happened? Am I understood? The Archbishop is not feeling right and the least he needs is this scandal. Double the patrols, I want extra guards in front of every door in the castle.

Arvandor wrote:-Very well them. Now go, and take some rest, we don’t see abominations less much necromancers in this fair city.-she said, knowing that he will return, sooner than she thought.

Arvandor wrote:-I’m going to inform Jonathan about this…-she said trailing off, down the Old King’s street. As the soldiers still watched at her, many of them confused, and her snow white cape enveloping her graceful figure, thoughts were screaming inside her mind: How? Why? It can’t be! But, what if…What if he is right? Then what? Her emerald eyes shifted from one person to another passing by.

Arvandor wrote:With her face she was telling them Nothing happened here. Still, the people were scared, and this “gossip” will remain for quite some time now. She could see the fear in their eyes. For many Elenor was a bastion of peace, a place were they could feel safe. A sanctuary for all Humanity. The irony was she was no human. Nor was Dorim…

Arvandor wrote:-I feel so alienated in here.-she thought to her self as the lavish mansion of Jonathan was glooming ahead.

Arvandor wrote:-Ah!-he jolted up from his wooden post and had a good sip from the cup in front of him.

I almost stopped reading the history of the place was too long but good story but explain more it was too confusing

eeek...

Not to bad if English is a second language. Your best bet is to practice it until you start reciting grammar books in your sleep.

Wow, this was harsh. But I accept it gladly. Thanks G. I'll get on it as soon as I have the time. You might dont know, but Im macedonian, and fairly new to writing so, english makes me a problem or two.

The cloaked halfling was shouting on the streets of Elenor:
-The Archbishop, the one that brought us together! The DEVIL! A spawn of Evil. A shadow!-He was running down the streets, towards the Academy. Finally one of the guards stopped him:

-Sir please calm down! If you don’t stop this I’m afraid I will. Come with me to the Guards Post.
-No! NO! Stay back! You will turn me in one of them! Stay back!-The halfling shouted, launching a Magic Sphere towards the guard. The chaotic sphere of swirling magic struck down the guard, he slammed on the ground, his chain mail making a terrible noise. Everyone on the streets was staring at the halfling. Some of the citizens came to help him:

-Sir is there something wrong? Please let us help you. That’s why we are citizens!-The told him their voices filled with fear, from the uncontrollable magic of the halfling.
-No, no, no! Stay back! Stay back from me! NO!-eventually, more guards came and stopped him, and chained his hands with a dampening collar. They dragged him to the nearest guard post, as he was shouting down the streets, sobbing:

-Geondar has gone mad brothers and sisters! HEAR ME! The Human wants us all dead! He summoned and army of the Abyss! Run while you still can!-The halfling has gone mad, everyone thought, confused.

Not even the children were laughing at him. To speak such words against the Favored Cleric, blasphemy. You have to be either the bravest mage that ever walked on Archanon, or to be the stupidest one. The noon sun was reflecting against the trail of tears that ran down his face. His tattered rags were like a dark spot, a drop of ink on a letter that had to be erased. In the Kingdom of Perfection there was no place for the mad, the poor and the chaotic. The once tranquil city of Elenor, its golden silence was being shattered by the ravaging of a crazy halfling.

They cam in front of the Guard Post. A small stone building, much different than the other lavish towers and domes. Inside there was the captain, angry as usual. He ruffled his fingers through his gray hair, blue eyes, examining the map of the great city. The wooden doors opened wide, and the guards and the halfling entered inside.

He ruffled his fingers through his gray hair, blue eyes, examining the map of the great city.

-So this is the madman that is causing all this trouble?-the captain eyed him raising an eyebrow, trying to hide his anger.
-Yes sir, one of our patrols found him half an our ago-one of the guards said.
-Why is he wearing a dampening collar?-the captain asked the young guard.
-Sir, he injured one of the guards of the patrol I mentioned.
-An assassin?-the captain smirked at the halfling who was sitting there, silent, his face still cloaked.
-A mage I suppose. Or a sorcerer.-the guard answered. [/quote

Sir might be better used after the sentence. Keep in mind this young guard wants his superior to get the information first, formality can be given at the end of the sentence and be within protocol for the guard. Also keep in mind that the guard might be hesitant to give an opinion to a superior officer. He would give fact. It would be more realistic if he gave a fact like "He used magic. He might be a mage." Fact first, opinion after.

-He couldn't’t control his magic sir. He is obviously a sorcerer, the usual madmen, ravaging the lands.-the other guard said, with discustment.
-I’m a Scion…-the halfling said quietly-Please remove the collar.
-A what?!-The captain was amazed-Don’t play fools with me halfling or I will have your head on that table, you understand?
-That’s what was said about the Tao-Maj. That’s what was said about the Grand Elves, the Yaka Ha’lli. That’s what was said about the Dark Claw and the Turquoise Archers. Now please remove my collar, please…-the halfling said, lowering his voice, almost begging.
-How do we now you won’t use your magic against us, Scion?-the captain eyed him questioningly. He might be right, the captain thought to himself.
-I’m only an Initiate Scion, you are six guards in chain mails, with swords and arrows. I don’t even have decent clothes.
-So be it-the captain sighed-Guards you heard him. Remove the dampening collar.-One of the guards came, and took a key from his pocket. He unlocked the collar, a fiery ring that was looping from his hands disappearing immediately.

Who is this mysterious talker who babbles in the halflings defense?

I am amazed. The chief guard didn't rise to his idiot by being a fool. His thought process would go along the lines of "What if he escapes? My boss will be mad. Until I know who he is and his power, it is wiser to keep him under guard. He is also easier to catch with the chains on him.

Have your guards act like guards.

-Ah, much better.-the halfling said, cuddling his hands.
-Who are you halfling?-the captain asked.
-Me? M-m-m-y name is from no importance to you.-the halfling was running away from something.
-Yes it is. And I want that name, NOW! I’ve already wasted my time with you, you filthy little halfling.-the captain was getting mad.
-I’ve been hiding for so many years. I don’t see a reason to hide myself any longer.-the halfling sighed-I’m, was, Dorim Van Angest.-the captain and the others hissed or laughed. Whispers started to spread among the young soldiers. The captain burst out laughing.
-Ha ha ha! A good joke little one! Now, tell me who are you?-the captain was becoming very serious.
-Believe it or not, I’m Dorim. - hr took of his cloak, and long white hair fell to his shoulders, a pale face, dark, black eyes. An aura of undeath emanating from it.-Everyone was shocked. The captain took a few steps back. His forehead drenching with sweat. The guards preparing their weapons.

Wouldn't they have done a search, at least a pat down?

-T-t-ake him to the dungeons! Summon the Archbishop. You boy!-he looked at one of the guards that brought Dorim-Go immediately to the Grand Council. Tell them a messenger of the Dark Claw has arrived.
-Please, don’t do this.-Dorim said-there is no reason for violence, I’m not a necromancer anymore.
-You’re not a necromancer! You’re a vampire, an abomination, a LICH! There is only a matter of weeks before your skin fells off.-the captain was reaching for his sword. In the same moment the doors came down and the small room was filled with soldiers and mages-Take him! Take him out of my sight!-the captain yelled, falling on the ground, crawling away from Dorim. Even the soldiers and mages were afraid from him. Dorim turned towards them, two spheres of black matter gathering in his small pale hands, his tattered rags engulfed in purple flames, and turning in black leather robes. Clothes that even the strongest and most powerful of dark mages wouldn't’t resist.
-I’m warning you…move away.-No one did, everyone was just staring at him, petrified, their arms shivering. He grabbed one of the soldiers and put his finger on the neck, making a small cut. Small drops of blood were falling down the neck of the young soldier.
-Let me go sir, please.-he was sobbing- He, all of them new Dorim’s power, a former Magistrate of the Dark Claw, the only halfling necromancer that has ever walked these lands. Even the grass was withered from his touch. No one new how he managed to keep his form, and not becoming a lich for over 1000 years.
-No boy, no. I won’t let you go. Not until our friends here clear the road, so master Dorim can go home.-he was whispering on his ear, the young soldier on his knees.
-Please, listen to him!-he said, shivering sweat and blood running down his face. The road cleared the group of mages and soldiers moved back.
-That’s it…-Dorim said statisfactionly. With the boy in his grips, he started to move slowly, his black eyes glaring at the others, fearful and dangerous-Don’t make anything stupid now…-suddenly someone shot an arrow at him. All the others bend down, like they were timed, awakening them from the shock.

If he is a halfling, how the heck is he able to reach the neck of a guard?

-Who did…-Dorim looked around when…
-I DID! - someone yelled from above him. On the roof of a small house, in front of the noon sun there was a she-elf. An archer. Her white cape, wearing the insignia of Elenor on the back, waving on the gentle breeze. Her deep green eyes penetrating the dark gaze of Dorim.
-Who in the name of Scions are you?!-Dorim asked, reaching for the neck of the young soldier.
-I’m Andara. A Pearl Archer in the service of Elenor. That was a warning shot, necromancer…-she said to him.
-I guess you want me to put the boy down yes?-Dorim smirked at her.
-I see your brain hasn’t rotted yet.-she said, taking another arrow from her quill.

Warning shot! Dorim has got a hostage and he fires a warning shot? I'm sorry, if police snipers don't fire warning shots, neither will this archer.

-You blind fools! Your Archbishop has gone mad! I tried to warn you. But I can see that the lavishness and the arrogance has poisoned your mind.-he kicked the boy with his foot on the ground, and he stepped back. In the same moment, black flames consumed him, and he was gone.
-He will be back…-Andara said, jumping on the ground where he vanished. She took the boy in her arms- Are you all right soldier?
-Yes, yes…I think I am.-he said regaining his strength, rising from the ground, wiping the dust from him.
-All of you, listen to me…-Andara looked at the other soldiers and mages around- This didn’t happened? Am I understood? The Archbishop is not feeling right and the least he needs is this scandal. Double the patrols, I want extra guards in front of every door in the castle.
-Yes m’lady.-the captain said- We shall keep this a secret.

First of all, wouldn't that landing hurt? Also, what is a Pearl Archer, and what authority does she have to order the guards? Why not have the story leak out and create a scandal? It would be a more interesting plot development, and the actions certainly aren't secret. Too many witnesses.

A man said, watching them from the distance leaned on the wall. His pale hand touching the marble wall, exposing a strange ring, a ring that wore the symbol of the Dark Claw.
-So it seems that Dorim still lives. And even joined the Scions. - A smile stretched on his cloaked face, vampire teeth showing, many and grotesque.

This needs a new paragraph and the setting, description, and action should come after the dialog. I'd delete this and let the reader find out about this guy later. That tidbit interrupts story flow and that interruption doesn't justify using him at that point in time.

Since the moment when she joined the Pearl Archers, Andara, and the entire guild was transferred here in Elenor. Two hundred years ago, the Turquoise Archers abandoned the Seraph Order, and many of them joined the Drow or offered their services to the underwater kingdoms. The Pearl Archers willingly abandoned the Order, soon after that, for unknown reasons and joined the Banished Nobles, the mocking term of the old Elenian Nobles and advisors. Andara was among those who offered their services to the Prodigious Knights, in exchange for a home and gold of course. Even so, day by day there were less elves. Elenor was well known for its racism towards the other races, but Elves? The Pearl Archers were one of its greatest warriors. Andara was one of the few remaining.

History lesson. Annihilate it.

-I feel so alienated in here.-she thought to her self as the lavish mansion of Jonathan was glooming ahead. His estate was one of the greatest in Elenor, and most lavish. One square kilometer of land, two ponds filled with one of the most exotic fishes and a small personal forest for sport hunting. The mansion was even more pampered. The entire structure was made from marble taken from the best mines in Snowsong Mountain, towers dwarfing the nearby houses. Some would think that a king lived here. She came in front of the wide gates made from gold, the emblem of the Prodigious Knights engraved in the middle, a flaming sword, with yellow streaks swirling around it.
-I came to see Jonathan…-she said quietly to the old guard in front. He was asleep, and he would not hear the elf if his halberd did’t slam on the ground.
-Ah!-he jolted up from his wooden post and had a good sip from the cup in front of him.
-Unbelievable…-she said to her self-he drunkens his own guards with the most expensive wine.
-Mistress Andara, its…you…-she narrowed his eyes-I must inform you that Sir Jonathan is having a sleep, and he strictly ordered not to be waken from his slumber. Don’t awake the lion while he’s asleep. - He said with a mocking voice, imitating the deep stern voice of the knight.
-Its urgent Jacob. I have to see Jona…
-Sir Jonathan, elf…-he raised his eyebrow.

If she is able to make several guards freak out, she sure as heck should be able to intimidate a drunk guard.

-Sir Jonathan…-she frowned-Something happened near the city square. The city might be in danger.
-As much as I enjoy your presence, Andara, I can’t let you in. Orders you know. She un-sheathed her danger and placed it on Jacobs adam’s apple, which was jumping up and down from the fear.
-Listen to me human, the city is in danger, and as much as I want it destroyed, my orders are to see Sir Jonathan.-she spoke with anger through her teeth. Jacob was looking at her, speechless, and without moving away he reached for the keys in his pocket and unlocked the gates. They swung wide open and Andara slammed him on the concrete wall beside him-Remember Human, I maybe an elf, but my position is astronomical compared to yours, next time, when I say open you will open, is that understood?-she opened her eyes wide open her blond hair blazing in the wind, her emerald eyes radiating with power and intimidation.

If her position is higher, she should be able to enter the building without having to go through this slime bucket. She doesn't have time for death threats.

-Of course…m’lady.-Jacob said leaning forward, almost as afraid to take a deep bow. Without a single word, she smirked at him, and continued forward towards the mansion.
-Maybe I should have not said anything about destroying the city.-she sighed. She felt some comfort when she saw the small wood. She could feel nature beckoning for her once again. These towers of cold stone and slaughtered wood were killing her elven spirit. Not only she felt alienated in here, she also felt caged.

It has been seventy years since she saw forests or went hunting. She felt home sick as she was walking through the stone paved trials, and the knight’s mistresses dancing and laughing in the ponds. She imagined them as the local dryads and nymphs near her village, when they were small children they would go out and play in the local grove, the Tigerheart Grove. They would play hide and seek with the dryads, or chase the fairy dragons, and she would practice her magic skills with the Grove Maiden who was also a dryad

This is a history lesson. Summarize it to a single sentence.

-One day I will return there.-she said, looking at the beautiful and careless mistresses. She neared the wide ironwood doors and knocked three times. After a moment a tall pale man opened the door. His cold eyes were fixed on her face, and her longbow strung on her back. She took off her cape and ran her fingers through her blond hair and leaned forward looking down, with her right arm pressed on her heart.
-Good day sir.-she said quietly-I am Andara Le’ral, third archer of the Pearl Archers, requesting an audience with…Sir Jonathan.
-I’m sorry, the master cannot accept any guests right now. He had to discuss pressing matter with the Archbishop last night, and he is very tired.-he even closed his eyes and made a weird expression as if emphasizing the burden of tiredness his master felt.
-But you don’t understand…-she was interupted by a sound of water splashes and giggles from upstairs. She rasied her eyebrow, frowning-Resting you say?

• If you find yourself giving background information, delete the information, move it to the prologue, include it in the dialog, or summarize it to a sentence. Never give blobs of background information.
  
• Find more convincing bad guys. Giving a halfling necromancing powers is superficial. You want evil or some sincere form of maliciousness. The vampire dude shouldn't be mentioned at all, because he interrupts the story. Find a better place to include him.
  
• You need more convincing guards and citizens. They are not behaving or thinking like a realistic character would. Research modern prison tactics and some sniper research for the archers.
  
• Your characters are making too many one liners. For Dorim it might be acceptable, but for Andara it isn't.
  
• I think you were attempting to add in symbolism, but you destroyed the believability of your characters in the process. This is bad.
  
• You jumped around too much. It is real confusing to have all these back to back viewpoints with out any spacing in between paragraphs.
  
• Use quotation marks to indicate dialog, not (-). It is just proper grammar.
  
• Use the Spell Check. There are a number of errors.

Griffenkeeper, do you have anything to critique?

Arvy, I agree, the beginning does have the feel of a history lesson. A possible remedy would be (and please tell me if you have done so) a prologue of some sort that explains some of the history, but with some action, and preferably some relevance to the plot. Another was to go about this would be to give less information at the beginning, and more throughout the text.

Quotes would be nice, but you usually use "-" these, don't you? hum.. spaces between paragraphs would make for easier reading, I do admit, but that's up to you (but it might get more critiques with them).

sanctuary for all Humanity. The irony was she was no human. Nor was Dorim…

Paragraphing: You need to add an extra space to tell us where events begin and end.
Not like this.

Like this.

Thanks Rei

History lesson at the beginning. Not the best idea in the world. And you need to use "quotation marks."

-Sir Jonathan…-she frowned-Something happened near the city square. The city might be in danger.
-As much as I enjoy your presence, Andara, I can’t let you in. Orders you know. She un-sheathed her danger and placed it on Jacobs adam’s apple, which was jumping up and down from the fear.
-Listen to me human, the city is in danger, and as much as I want it destroyed, my orders are to see Sir Jonathan.-she spoke with anger through her teeth. Jacob was looking at her, speechless, and without moving away he reached for the keys in his pocket and unlocked the gates. They swung wide open and Andara slammed him on the concrete wall beside him-Remember Human, I maybe an elf, but my position is astronomical compared to yours, next time, when I say open you will open, is that understood?-she opened her eyes wide open her blond hair blazing in the wind, her emerald eyes radiating with power and intimidation.
-Of course…m’lady.-Jacob said leaning forward, almost as afraid to take a deep bow. Without a single word, she smirked at him, and continued forward towards the mansion.
-Maybe I should have not said anything about destroying the city.-she sighed. She felt some comfort when she saw the small wood. She could feel nature beckoning for her once again. These towers of cold stone and slaughtered wood were killing her elven spirit. Not only she felt alienated in here, she also felt caged. It has been seventy years since she saw forests or went hunting. She felt home sick as she was walking through the stone paved trials, and the knight’s mistresses dancing and laughing in the ponds. She imagined them as the local dryads and nymphs near her village, when they were small children they would go out and play in the local grove, the Tigerheart Grove. They would play hide and seek with the dryads, or chase the fairy dragons, and she would practice her magic skills with the Grove Maiden who was also a dryad-One day I will return there.-she said, looking at the beautiful and careless mistresses. She neared the wide ironwood doors and knocked three times. After a moment a tall pale man opened the door. His cold eyes were fixed on her face, and her longbow strung on her back. She took off her cape and ran her fingers through her blond hair and leaned forward looking down, with her right arm pressed on her heart.
-Good day sir.-she said quietly-I am Andara Le’ral, third archer of the Pearl Archers, requesting an audience with…Sir Jonathan.
-I’m sorry, the master cannot accept any guests right now. He had to discuss pressing matter with the Archbishop last night, and he is very tired.-he even closed his eyes and made a weird expression as if emphasizing the burden of tiredness his master felt.
-But you don’t understand…-she was interupted by a sound of water splashes and giggles from upstairs. She rasied her eyebrow, frowning-Resting you say?