Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was a pretty straightforward little story. I personally feel like that whole scene at the end in is unnecessary to it but otherwise the descriptions and the main plot of that first scene is done pretty well.
Anyway let's get right to it,
“You live, my child, my creation…” the pale old man carassed the face of the grotesque creature. His scaled hide was covered in blood, from his nostrils came out a yellowish smoke, sulfur. Its blood red eyes were fixed upon his master.
Well that's definitely a very grotesque description. Nice little start to the story overall. It does a pretty good job of showing exactly what we are dealing with here.
“You are more wonderful then it was promised…” he took the creature palm in his hand. Six twelve inch spikes made from something that looked like rsted metal streaked out the naked flesh of the creature. It opened its mouth and revealed a huge maw criss crossed with teeth that looked like swords “Do you see that man over there?” he pointed with his bony hand towards a screaming man in chains.
Those should be rusted and criss-crosssed. Besides that that's some more really good descriptions.
“Hell holds no surprises for me young men. I will enjoey in the fires of hell, ou will cry for mercy when I will see your flesh burning with infernal fires.” His laughter boomed in the large dark cave.
Those should be enjoy and you.
“We must not fail like the last time my child, do what you must do.” The creature turned its inhuman head towards it target and lurched forward in a berserking state. It howled almost in a child-like scream but the same second let out a demonic shout.
Okay that's a pretty good start for the action there.
“NO! DEAR GOD SAVE ME!” The man screamed as the creature rose his fightening claw and shoved it in his pelvis. Blood exploded in its face and streaked on the man’s face. The creature tore the meat from the pelvis, and almost immediately a stench of urine and rotten meat flared the nostrils of the old man. The runes and letters on the dead man’s body started to glow with a crimson haze as he slowly died. The creature splashed the meat inside the cauldron and tore the left hand of the man. He dumped the rest of the body inside the cauldron.
Wow that's a gory description that's pretty well done. Also I think raised its frightening would be a better way to phrase that bit.
“We have succeded my child…” he said calmly ”The entire lineage of this man will remain locked in hell till the end of days…” he rose his head and watched the creature gnawing on the hand, liquid sulfure dripping from its mouth, hissing like a madned dog.
Umm liquid sulfur well that's not something you usually see at that temperature so its a little wrong. This has been a science tip from Professor Harry.
A rune covered hand rose from the cauldron and lurched towards the old man’s neck. He doged the hand with almost in human speed, un natural not only for his age, but capabilities of the human body. He grabbed the hand and pulled out the same man the creature dumed inisde. He coughed out blood and guts. He bearly rose himself up, without pelvis, only the demonic magic could keep him on his feet. His body was partially melted from all kinds of different toxins and trashed with his hand letting out demonic cries. Still, the runes remained intact and kept their crimson glow.
A while lot of typos in this one. Those should be
dodged
unnatural
dumped inside
barely kept
“Michael look, either I have my payment today or I’ll quit.” The young brash man shouted at the face of his old boss who ddint seem to care one bit. Just let himself in the balck leather chair and rose his feet on the desk. The summer sun pierced through the lace curtians and rose the tension.
Okay just saying young brash man is a little bit too much telling rather than showing how he is brash by his words or actions.
“I cant belive it…”he shook his head “People its 1953 who still dabbles in this voodoo crap!” he pushed the file away and a few of the pictures fell on the ground. It was a man washed on a shore, his body covered in runes, disfigured, with an expression of agony. He bearly even looked human. One of his arms was missing and his pelvis was bearly keeping his legs intact with the torso.
Hmm nice little passage there to show the effects of that ritual on normal people. And that feels like an abrupt cut off. It doesn't sound like a place to end. If you ended it before this whole scene it would work but here it just seems off to me.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I don't have too much else to say here besides what I mentioned regarding the ending. There was also a really high number of typos so checking those another time is a very good idea. And that's about all I've got to say.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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Reviews: 4102
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