Chapter 2 (more action less detailed:/)

by ZerosaBeebe

Published April 19, 2016

18+ Language Violence Mature Content

In The Fae Queen of The Seas

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

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Soft Lavender brushed up against her nose, the smell almost too heavy for her newly found consciousness. Lunia sat up, rubbing at her eyes as she yawned and stretched out across the satin bed sheets. Safe and sound. Where she could call out her father and mothers name and they would be there in only a blink of an eye, their weapons at the ready and then cooing her back to sleep. And then smoke. Thick and intoxicating smoke violated her senses as she jolted up, then the stench of burning flesh and the metallic odor of fresh blood followed in pursuit. And lots of it. Her mother was then standing before her, her eyes bleeding and a soft sad smile tugged at the corners of her lip, causing more blood to trickling down her.

“My Svyashchennyy ogo.”

“Mother?” She reached up to touch her mothers bloodied cheek but it all vanished. Everything vanished.

“Mother!” Her eyes wide, Lunia jerked up from whatever it was she had been resting on and tried to grab for her twin blades. Only then when she reached for them and grabbed nothing but silk sheets did she realize where she was. And that was Hell, pure fucking Hell. She laid back panting and tears pricked her eyes. I’ll never see any of them again huh. The sheets reeked of lavender and soap and her nostrils flared as she flinched, the fragrance throwing her back in her memories.

Throwing the covers off her she stood up, wincing at the searing pain in her knees and while bending down to rub at them; she felt a chilly draft. Son of a-. Lunia was wearing nothing other than a thin white silk-like night gown that was barely covering her thighs and even when she tried to pull it down it just bounced back up.

Lunias shoulders slumped and she bowed her head. And there were only two places she knew that could even have Spider silk in their possession; Cyratin and Thysritk,. Great so I die and I’m still in hell. Sighing heavy, she threw her head back up only to see the General of Cyratin staring right at her in her skimpy little see-through gown.

[AB1] wasn’t that she was not attractive, because by the Gods she was. Not that it would ever change the disgust and contempt he had for her. He had heard all the stories of Lunia Dovinsyry and her crew of Deathling Warriors. To only be twenty years of age and had already gutted a man and tied his carcass to the front of a ship for even questioning her authority and having a fleet of deadly warriors at her fingertips, with the strength to tear apart nations single handedly with just a slight up raise of a slender finger… it was not just only a bit concerning but it was down right horrifying. But if the King could keep this mongrel under his reign then perhaps the world wouldn’t have to worry about this rouge. [AB2] of which, how was the captin of the navel fleet able to capture her? Especially being so protected by the immortal crew that were always watching over her? And why this specific room? Was there so much iron to where even she couldn't get out?  “Put her in the top chambers of the South tower. She cannot harm anyone there.” The Captain of the Fleet handed him a key and pulled out a necklace with a bright red ruby in-cased in an amulet the color of a stormy sky. “Also put this around her neck and even she will not be able to touch you.” What was the necklace and what did he mean even she won’t have the ability to harm him?

Rensely sensed movement and peered up with a sneer to see the devil waking up with a tortured look upon her face as she screamed for her mother. I suppose even the evilest of creatures would have had parents. Though with this one’s reputation, I assumed she must have been conjured up through all things corrupt in this world and a caldron as her birth-womb.

He watched her as she threw off her blankets and immediately felt indecent. Her night gown that the maids dressed her in after cleaning her bloodied knees’, was immodestly short and even see-through. He could see the entire outline of her lean body as the sun’s rays shined on her like she was on angel of death, one look could probably convince a man to take his own life if they had been at sea. By the Gods. Her hair was long and blacker than a ravens feathers, so long it touched the back of her thighs and caressed the elegantly designed siren tattoo that slithers from the top of her knee to the top of her hip bone. And that wasn’t the only tattoo she had either. There was more that rested on her collar bones of Eastern coy fish as if they were swimming peacefully on her chest. Her arms both had two different snakes that stretched across her forearm and down to her wrist where a skull bracelet wrapped around, each skull different than the last.

And the one that had caught his attention and held it, was a chandelier that cupped both breast and meet in a perfectly symmetrical embrace between then, swooping down to create birds; no, not birds but a phoenix and a dragon. One holding fire in its wings and another encircling itself with water , clashing together or embracing he could not figure out. Either way it was a battle right above her navel.

She cursed under her breath and tried to pull the length of the gown down but it only bounced right back up and if even possible it looked about an inch shorter now. Before Rensely could look away her head snapped up from its bowed position and caught his eyes right as he pulled his wall back up.

“If you have something to say then say it and get out. Or a better suggestion, let ME out! The smell of these damned sheets are intoxicating and I refuse to inhale it a moment longer.” She glanced in his direction trying to cover herself up; to no avail due to the clearness of the gown, and strode to the bathing area more for coverage than any actual bodily needs.

Rensely clenched his teeth. He already wanted to smack her, or strangle; which ever came first. She acted as spoiled as they come and he had always hated spoiled little brats even as a child.

“You can refuse all you like, Pirate, but you’ll have no one bowing down to you here.” Picking up a decorative book he scanned through the pages already irritated. This woman will be his biggest challenge yet. This is babysitting is what this is and he was pissed as Hells that he had been put on sitting duty. He was a warrior, a killing machine, he didn’t babysit ignorant little women.

She popped back out of the bathroom a dull lavender dress with slits; she probably made herself , that went up to the top of her hip showing off yet another tattoo. “I have a name, you mindless puppet and I assure you it isn’t Pirate!” She threw the scandalous night gown on the floor and stalked over to the General, who immediately put his hand on his twin swords as a warning, his face as expressionless as ever.

She grinned at him as she placed her hands on the arms of the chair he was sitting in. “You wouldn’t last a minute in a ring with me, pretty boy. So put your toys away and give me the information I need.”

He just stared at her cool and calculating. He had heard that she was a master seductress even the King had warned him of her ways. Including some very… appalling details of her actions with naval fleet leaders. None left alive of course with their throats sliced ear to ear and certain male parts removed after she was finished.

She cocked her head to the side and repeated herself. “Tell me why I’m here.”

When again nothing was uttered from him, she sighed, “Well, since you like this silence game so much, I have one you’ll just love.” She winked leaning forward as if to embrace him and something twitched in his puerperal vision. He caught her wrist before she could plunge the small dagger into the side of his throat right where the main blood vessel was located. Rensely didn’t know whether to be ashamed at himself for not noticing it earlier or to admire her for being able to sneak past his defenses the way she did. Without him even noticing anything was amiss.

Snarling,; actually snarling, like a feral beast! –she threw herself back and grab a hold of the canopy bed posts to swing herself back around to land behind him but Rensely was ready and dodge her power house kick with slight difficulty, using the same book he had held moments ago to shield his face.

“I would have thought the Queen of the seas to be faster than this.” He poked and prodded at her temperament, searching for weaknesses of any as she bobbed and weaved around his counter attacks, around the furniture. Gritting his teeth, he barely ducked before her fist made contact with his temple. Even with the amulet supposedly keeping her from harming him, her speed and agility was formidable and was still almost inhuman. He took a second to see if she had sopped and that second cost him.

She landed a swift but immensely powerful kick to his ribs, knocking the breath out of him as he staggered back.

“Insult me like that again and I’ll rip out your lungs, boy.” Lunia didn’t pause as she smirked and threw more jabs towards him. Will she ever stop? Was this how I was suppose to work? Avoiding all the death blows from a self-centered brat I was to babysit?

That was what it had looked like. And this seemed to only be the very painful and miserable beginning

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2016

Hey there! I'm here for a quick review on this review day to get this out of the Green Room. Sorry if I repeat anything previous reviewers have said. Let's get to it!

So this was interesting, for sure. I like how strongly Lunia's character comes across - she definitely knows what she wants and how to get it.

I'm quite confused by this in general - I'm guessing it's sort of pirate era, with all the talk about the Queen of the Seas, but i'm really not sure where they are or anything like that, and I don't really understand why he's on "babysitting duty." Though that may just be because I didn't read the first chapter. (Sorry, didn't have time.)

Oh wait - I figured the italics out finally. It denotes perspective changes, right? I'm sorry, it was just kind of hard for me to tell. In general, you really don't want to change perspectives that quickly, and it really doesn't work here, especially since you're also using italics to show the main character's thoughts. Just let the different perspectives stay in their own chapters, because it's a lot less confusing for the readers.

I think your description is overall pretty good, and definitely captivating/sensual, which is probably what you intended. I kind of think there's a bit much of it - at the very least, you should break up some of those paragraphs just to make it easier to read - but it's kind of up to you.

That's all I've got - good luck with this and keep writing!

User avatar
Vervain
Review
Vervain wrote a review Review · Jun 26, 2016

Hey there, ZerosaBeebe! I'll drop a review on this for you, but I have to let you know that I don't know the context for this story, so I'll be focusing only on what I see here in Chapter 2.

I'll start out with your description in this piece. Starting from the first line, you have a lot of dense images that aren't spaced out much at all, so coupled with the italics, the reader may feel trapped in a sort of endless heavy dream sequence. I'm not saying that your descriptions are bad, but all of this feels like stuff that you could show through the character rather than dumping on the reader in a very "telling" style right at the beginning of this chapter.

In addition to your heavy descriptions, you have a lot of grammar and punctuation errors I think you could take a look at. I suggest having someone you trust who's fluent in English proofread this and tell you what they see wrong! I can spot a lot of errors in just the first paragraph, and it really detracts from the experience of reading this piece, which is why I mention it.

I'm not sure why you use italics, to be honest. Is it to switch points of view? Because that's very awkward, in my opinion, and as a reader I would be turned away by blocks and blocks of italic text for one character's narration. Italics are usually used for extended and compressed flashbacks, emphasis, and sometimes dream sequences, which is why I assumed that the beginning of this chapter was one of those. Am I to understand that there was a dream sequence, but the italics were because of the character's point of view?

You could consider changing points of view simply by breaking the sections with asterisks or other section breaks (such as "---" or the like) in the future.

I'm not sure what the [AB1] and [AB2] are for -- a formatting error?

Also, you could probably work on your action a bit more. Action should usually be punchy, rather than lengthily described. For example, instead of something like this:

He took a second to see if she had s[t]opped and that second cost him.
She landed a swift but immensely powerful kick to his ribs, knocking the breath out of him as he staggered back.
You could write something like this:
He paused for a second to see if she had stopped.
Her foot landed in his ribs and knocked the breath right out of him. Staggering back, he clutched his side...


You don't have to tell the reader things like "that second cost him", either. We're reading, so we can find out for ourselves that the second cost him, or whatever else it is you're telling us. As a writer, focus on writing the things that matter, rather than the explanations for them -- we can figure those out on our own.

Keep writing!



Some call me a legacy, others call me a hero. But I assure you, dear admirers, I am only human.
— Persistence