Published May 4, 2023
This is a story I wrote for my school's assignment. Any criticisms and feedbacks are appreciated.
As Mark was about to throw away the old bottle, he saw that there was a piece of paper inside it. Feeling shocked, Mark twisted the cap of the bottle and took out the paper using his thin brown fingers. He looked at it with his red glowing eyes. It read: “𒆜 ⏂ ⏀ ⎾𒆠 ⏂⎾𒊑𒆕”, which in English, roughly translates to: “If you are reading this, Mark, you probably thought I was dead, but I’m not. Come to the palace and I’ll explain everything to you. Love, Mithia.”
Mark trembled, his slender body swirled as he let out a sob, and a human-like tear rolled down his dusty red-brown cheek. He was relieved that they were still alive, that he was not the only one left.
But the palace was a long and dangerous journey. It required passing through the territory of the invaders, a place where few of his kind survived. But, he had no choice. With a determined heart, Mark stood up and set off. He ran towards the palace at a blazingly fast speed across the martian soil, his brown and thin body seamlessly blending in it. His species was known for their speed - which was faster than any vehicles of the invaders - and he was the best of them.
He soon arrived at the invaders’ territory, and he slowed down. He moved with caution to avoid detection. He knew this place all too well, all the white dome-like structures made from materials foreign to the martian landscape, all the artificial bright lights shining on the ground signalling the invaders’ arrival, and all the armed guards with their otherworldly powers. Despite the fear, he marched forward, dodging the sights of the guards as they came. He knew that even one wrong move could cause his life.
Suddenly, one of the bright lights turned red, and a series of periodic loud sounds followed. He knew that he was found. Thinking fast, he began to run towards the safety of the martian wilderness. The guards caught up with Mark, but Mark was quick. Suddenly, with a swift manoeuvre, Mark disappeared into the rocky landscape. The guards stopped, shocked as Mark was significantly faster than any other creatures they had captured.
*
The palace was once a magnificent one, with all the knowledge of Mark’s species engraved in it. But, it was destroyed by the invaders, dismantled piece by piece. All that was left now were the broken walls. The invaders took Mars away from them, leaving them with only the memories of their once great civilization.
Mark stepped foot into the palace, eagerly waiting to reunite with Mithia. But, he saw nothing. Inside the palace was just a landscape of plain martian dirt. He was surprised and shocked, but he refused to give up. He continued searching the palace, not willing to lose any hope of reuniting with Mithia.
Suddenly, a loud bang was heard, and Mark felt a shock in his stomach. Then, he fell to the ground, the pain overwhelming him. It then dawned on him that the invaders got to him and he was shot. Mark cried out in pain, but he refused to give up. He crawled towards the exit of the palace with all his might.
But the invaders were too powerful. They continued to fire their weapons, hitting Mark’s body with deadly accuracy. In the end, Mark was overpowered by the invaders.
As Mark lay there, dying, he felt despair. He couldn’t help but wonder how a civilization as advanced as theirs could have descended into such a state of violence and destruction.
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140,172 Literary Works • 673,034 Reviews
I'm not a big fan of sci-fi, but this did catch my eye. I liked the focus on the character Mark, and the whole short story being driven by his emotions.
“If you are reading this, Mark, you probably thought I was dead, but I’m not. Come to the palace and I’ll explain everything to you. Love, Mithia.”
This part had me sooooo intruiged. The biggest part for me is that she said his name, meaning that it was specifically meant FOR HIM, not for anyone that could possibly be alive.
I also unfortunately adore bad endings, as in there is no resolution surface-wise. I think this piece can be looked at in different ways, I mean, for all we know Mark and Mithia could be these evil creatures and the invaders are saving the day. idk... I just had that thought. I think this is cool for a school project, I have no complaints
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well this was quite the little piece here. I think you did a pretty good job with this little tale. Its fairly simple in terms of what its trying to do and in such a short span I think it does about as good as you could expect it to do.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oh my well when we started out there with the life on Mars idea I thought we were going to focus more on the kind of inhospitable environment and challenges that Mars offers but it seems we've got a bit more to be worrying about than just that here. Loving this start already, it already gets our attention so well.
Ooooh loving the tension being built here already. Its a tiny bit rushed in terms of the way that you're actually bringing out the more hidden details in the worldbuilding here but with a short story that is a bit hard to avoid and I think you've done a pretty good job of keeping that tension continuously building despite all of the details being just revealed to us.
Ooooh well it seems even though things went a bit wrong there, Mark's skills there are simply too strong for the guards to actually be able to pull together long enough to genuinely hold him for long. That's quite the little moment there because it really seemed like things were going to go a lot worse.
Well this is an interesting. It breaks the tension a tiny bit I think this time because as much as a little bit of description here is a nice touch just to sell exactly what this place might look like and what sort of changes its undergone it does take away a bit from the danger of this scene. I think perhaps if you started with the description before the actual danger and the chase broke out this would be a bit more effective.
Oh dear. Well it seems the guards and invaders from earlier do get to have that last laugh after all. I wasn't expecting to see that go down but given this is a short story I suppose that was probably the only way this was going to end in such a short time. I think you do a decent job selling the despair here. We haven't really known these characters long enough to quite feel how big this moment is but there's enough emotion created I think accounting for how short this story happens to be.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall a pretty solid little story. You can definitely feel some nice tension building up and up until that one last scene. There was just the one moment where I felt the flow broke a tiny but besides that this was quite well done.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
Hey there! Here's my review:
Overall:I love the plot of this story, as a Sci-Fi fan, at the end it's very emotional, it really captured me when Mark died. The characters are very clear as well. Anyways, your story is really well-crafted I think you've done a great job bringing this story to life. It also reminds me of the book Dune (some people take over a planet and it's invaded).
So then, let's go through the story:
Firstly, I love the made-up language. It really shows how this isn't Earth and these people use a completely different dialect. One thing though, in the second sentence there's no need to say 'Feeling shocked', you can just say 'Shocked, Mark twisted the cap...' Anyways, you've already got a good start for your story!
Good, good. The reader is much more immersed in the story, great idea of causing tension at this part before the main part of the story. However, where you've said 'at a blazingly fast speed,' that doesn't really make sense. You could just say 'at a blazing speed' or something else!
Great! You've finally introduced the action scene. This is really interesting, the reader doesn't know if Mark is going to make it out or not. Good job, you also added a bit of a backstory as well on the palace. Nice, nice.
Awesome, it seems like Mark's escaped. When reading this, I was relieved and thought the next few paragraphs were him meeting Mithia. You've done a great job here, it's really sweet how Mark doesn't give up hope.
Wow! I didn't expect that! You've really turned the tables here, this is a great technique. It makes the reader feel the impact even more as you get there hopes up but suddenly, everything changes! It's such a sad ending, but you've done a great job.
Overall: I think you've done a great job here. You could tweak it a little, add more sensory language and vivid description to describe the planets and the events making the reader feel even more excited to see if Mark will survive. Aside from that, you've done a great job. I'd love it if you could add a backstory about how Mars was taken over and about the advanced species that Mike is (obviously, this is your choice)!
Anyways, good job. Keep writing!
- HB