Published January 26, 2010
throw stones at my window
so we can color the stars onto the ground
so we won't know up from down
and we can fly until dawn
paint rocks in my front yard
so the world will know that we've been here before
each one a thought of you
grounded rainbow to adore
strain voices through my ear
so the tides will feel the force
so i can filter all my fears
and the jealousy of remorse
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139,498 Literary Works • 672,588 Reviews
I can let the fact that you didn't capitalize the other words, but please always capitalize an "I"
Here, let me show you what you did:
Doesn't that "i" just scream that it's a mistake?
But, other than that, fantastic lyrics.
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The imagery you've used here is fantastic. Obviously the meaning does matter, but this is one of those pieces where the way the meaning is presented is good enough for it not to matter if you were just spouting rubbish. What I mean is, words have a meaning, but they also have an immediate effect and you seem to have a good grasp of how to make use of that. Then, moving on to the actual meaning, I love the metaphor you're using particularly in the first two verses. I don't know what tune it's going to, so I can't comment on the the rhythm, but it seems consistent throughout the verses anyway.
The main problem here, and it's not a big one, is the rhyme scheme, which varies a lot. The first verse has no rhymes, the second is ABCB, the third is ABBB and the fourth is ABAB. It's important to keep it consistent throughout the verses and some of the rhymes do seem a bit forced. If you're sacrificing the quality of the writing for the rhymes it's not worth it: I'm not convinced by the last line of verse three.
Then there are a couple of lines which don't make complete sense:
"grounded rainbow to adore" - I'd add an 'a' at the beginning of this.
"Lift boulders in good stride" - a stride is a large step. This doesn't make sense at all -'in good stride' isn't a phrase.
"The jealousy of remorse"? - no idea what this means. Maybe I'm just not getting a very intellectual metaphor, but how can remorse be jealous? Jealous of what (remember that being jealous of a thing means being protective of it, not being envious of it, if that's what you mean)?
Those are just some little things for you to fix if you want to, but overall it's great and I really like it. Keep writing!