z

Young Writers Society



Thought Patterns

by Zenith


The diner was uncharacteristically full for that time of the day. The twilight air was heavy with the smell of cheap food, the slow murmur of conversation and the anticipation of something momentous about to happen. Some of the eyes were fixed to the television screen, while the rest flickered to the clock impatiently every few minutes. It wasn't time yet.

The two girls occupying the corner booth had just arrived. One of them whispered to the other," It’s happening. This was all of the dinnertime conversations for the past week at my house.” The girl’s chestnut tresses partly covered up her face as she leaned forward to see her friend’s reaction. All the while, the said friend had been staring out the window, utterly oblivious to her attempt at conversation.

Perfect…. she’s ignoring me again. Heaven knows why I bother to hang out with her anymore.

“Vye, are you listening?” That drew the attention of the distracted girl. Her hair was cropped short with violet streaks here and there. Vye’s eyes involuntarily moved to the screen for a second. It’s going to be any moment now. Then she turned back to her irritated friend.

“Sorry, I haven’t been following. You said…..?”

“If you didn’t want to come with me, you could have just said so.” The chestnut girl’s voice was controlled, betraying nothing of what she felt inside.

And I could have gone with Stacey and her friends, my chance to get into the cool crowd at school. To think that I missed it. For this.

“No. That’s not it. Please don’t be mad. I had just been so focussed on this thing…” Vye paused for a moment to collect her thoughts. “Ray, what do you think the government would decide on?”

“My father says that if the government wants to be re-elected, it has no other option but to go with the majority. Also, we can’t co-exist with the Auditus.

“But it’s the government’s fault that they exist in the first place. No one asked them to carry out those weird DNA altering experiments all those years ago.”

Ray rolled her eyes. Here goes miss goody-two-shoes preaching me on right and wrong again. “Don’t blame the government. How were they to know that this gene would pass on to future generations? They thought the experiment failed when they didn’t get any conclusive results.”

Vye sighed. I knew there was no point in talking about it to Ray. All she cares about lately is getting popular in school.

The group of four men in the booth next to theirs had put their heads together on the same issue.

Auditus is Latin for hearing or something like that. My son told me so. He’s taking a course on it this semester.”

Ugh, such a braggart. One of the listening men signalled to the other two guys sitting opposite him, who snickered quietly in return. The first man continued with his opinions, unaware. “If you ask me, they should be put behind bars immediately. Listening in on our thoughts- what kind of witchcraft is that?!”

The man previously mocking him conceded to this, “ Existence of people who can read our thoughts is a direct breach of the privacy laws. The government should have kept tabs on the experiment participants; they should not have been allowed to mix in with the general population and start families. Now there are far too many of them.”

Another one chimed in, “ It’s strange how we only heard of this phenomenon last year. People like these must have been living among us for so long now. Imagine walking by an Auditus not knowing anything and them poking around inside your head.”

They stopped talking when the waitress came in with their drinks. She kept the tray on the table, and some of the liquid managed to spill out. She grimaced. The diner is too full today. I have been working nonstop for the past four hours and today was supposed to be my off day. That’s it. I’m asking for a raise.

With that conviction, she moved on to the next table with an elderly couple. The waitress was rewarded with a quick disapproving look by the old lady. Look at the length of her skirt. Girls these days are terrible. I would have never dressed like that. Then she announced in a haughty voice, “ Bring us some coffee. We’re only here for the broadcast.” The waitress wrote it down, before asking politely, “Anything else, sir?”

The old man shook his head with a smile. Such a sweet girl. She is just the age Laura was when I met her all those years ago in a diner not very unlike this. Hard-working and efficient. I wonder if she reminded Laura of her youth. He looked over to his wife, who was still scowling at the retreating form of the waitress and remarked, “ Sometimes I feel too old. Some people can read minds now, what else have the scientists got up their sleeves. Time travellers?”

Laura ignored his feeble attempt at a joke. She declared earnestly, “I don’t trust these Auditus. Human beings are already terrifying enough without the ability to pry open my darkest secrets.”

The owner of the diner kept a stern eye on all his customers while simultaneously counting the bills. The business had been slow lately, but it’s a crowd today because of the news. I need to tell Gina to hurry up. At this rate, she’ll manage to drive away all the customers with her sloth’s pace. If the other girl hadn’t taken this week off for a family emergency, I would have already fired Gina.

“Gina, customers are waiting. No one has all the time in the world.”

Just on cue to the owner’s words, everyone simultaneously looked up at the screen; the diner became encompassed in a strange silence, the kind right before a storm hits. The screen showed the president standing on the podium, his face set in a grave mask. It was finally time for his long-awaited announcement.

“Greetings, my fellow countrymen. I know this in all its surety that everyone had been impatiently waiting for the judgment that’s due to all of us. For whatever be the outcome of this trial, none of us will stay untouched by it. Right now, we stand in a historical moment, in silent contemplation and our hearts crossed for the change that’s yet to come. Before we step into this new era, I urge you to remember that we are the same in our hearts and minds.

There was a highly confidential experiment funded by the government for human benefaction and advancement; further details will stay obscure for security purposes. A few people from each country participated in this top security government program. According to the data collected, the scientists assumed that the tests have failed. Contrary to our knowledge, the drug did make changes to a particular gene of the participants, the effects were only apparent when passed on to the progeny of these people. This next-generation or as we so call them ‘Auditus’ have the ability to read other people’s minds. Or in more scientific terms, they can perceive the brain's electrical impulses because of their enhanced characteristics.

My next words are directed to all people who possess such power- turn yourself in. Let us fix our mistake together. We conducted one experiment that resulted in such grievous consequences, now we want to find a cure to this gene that has divided the human race. But it’s not possible without your help…..”

“What can I bring you, miss?” The waitress’ words distracted me from the President’s speech, but I’ve already heard everything that I needed to know.

“Nothing, thank you. I was just leaving.” Gina frowned at my words. Oh no… a customer leaving. He’ll not be happy with this. She swiftly glanced back at the owner with a worried look and then turned towards me, “ The president is still speaking. Are you sure you would not like to stay till the end of it?”

Hidden behind all those flowery phrases of support and unity was the ugly truth - the government wanted to get its hands on us for carrying out further tests. It was highly likely that they already had several Auditus imprisoned, hence the news of our existence was exposed in the first place. If I wasn’t careful, I'd be joining them in no time. It wasn't safe for me to stay in that diner anymore. We needed to group together and fight back against this tyranny, I was sure some humans like Vye would even sympathize with our cause. But we were in a tough race against time.

All these thoughts vaporized as I looked into the expectant eyes of the waitress. It reminded me of all the conversations I had eavesdropped on in that short span of time in the diner. Some meant to be heard, some not. I have pulled forth all their messed up thought patterns that were never intended to see the light of the day and untangled them one by one, and I understood those humans all for the better. Their stories were no less compelling than mine; I existed as much in my own head as much in theirs. But everyone was so engrossed in their fear of people like me, that they easily overlooked what Auditus was truly capable of.

Empathy.

So I told Gina with a slight nod of my head, “Perhaps you could get me a hamburger if it’s not too much trouble.”

She smiled at me gratefully, “I’ll be right back.”

It occurred to me at that moment that sometimes history is not created with big promises on TV screens, with an audience waiting on you; but in corner booths of shabby diners, when you learn to see the world through another pair of eyes and still find it as beautiful as before.


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18 Reviews


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Sun Sep 12, 2021 12:59 am
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Purple67 wrote a review...



Hello Zenith! I'm here to give a review about your piece. This piece has a lot of potential and I'm so engrossed in the story! I am kinda rusty on how to review stuff but I am still gonna try. Anyways let's get started.

First we the beginning. (not the opening line)

It's is a lot different from the ones I seen on YWS. It starts with description of the diner and goes straight into the action. (or in this case, what the character has been waiting for.) I do like the intro because of how urgent it feels with no long flowery description of whatever has been said. But there is not much description of the diner and it feels like a white space most of the time with other people in that space. Perhaps it would be better if there was more description about what the diner looks and smells like more often. it would help a lot.

Here's a few notes of what else i've been thinking while reading it.

- I like how you added the history of the Auditus people without infodumping. The history is interesting as well.
- I also like how the POV is structured. It's like first person with omniscient values. (someone already said this, but it's kinda worth noting.)
- The ending lines are interesting as well.

Overall, very good story. Keep adding more please! Have a nice day/evening/night.

- Purple/Mayah

(sorry for the grammar mistakes...)




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Thu Feb 18, 2021 5:35 pm
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nightshadows says...



Wow I love you style of writing and hope you describe your characters! Keep making these beautiful stories!




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Wed Feb 17, 2021 7:02 pm
yosh wrote a review...



Hi @Zenith! I'm here for your requested review! Good work! This is an intriguing story to say the least. Pretty spooky.

The diner was uncharacteristically full for that time of the day. The twilight air was heavy with the smell of cheap food, the slow murmur of conversation and the anticipation of something momentous about to happen. Some of the eyes were fixed to the television screen, while the rest flickered to the clock impatiently every few minutes. It wasn't time yet.


Honestly, this is a pretty good introduction. You perfectly set up the "Status Quo" of a good story. Also, I liked how you put "Some of the eyes were fixed", which seemed awkward at first, but upon closer inspection, had a spookier aspect to it. I think the past sentences set up made your writing style very professional, giving a neat touch to it. Then, you added the "Some of the eyes were fixed", letting the reader know that the awkwardness was purposeful.

At least, that's what it felt like to me. :P

The two girls occupying the corner booth had just arrived. One of them whispered to the other," It’s happening. This was all of the dinnertime conversations for the past week at my house.” The girl’s chestnut tresses partly covered up her face as she leaned forward to see her friend’s reaction.


I guess you should probably do your spacing correctly. Even though the girl is whispering, you still shouldn't neglect the proper dialogue spacing.

It occurred to me in that moment that sometimes history is not created with big promises on TV screens, with an audience waiting on you; but in corner booths of shabby diners, when you learn to see the world through another pair of eyes and still find it as beautiful as before.


I felt like this ending was a bit abrupt. I guess you were going for a bit of an mystical, existential ending, but I don't think it satisfies the reader. Most of the time, a short story should give the reader a sense of accomplishment or purpose in the story. You do have a great ending, but I don't think this conclusion is at its' full potential.

Anyways, I hope you were satisfied for this late review! (Sorry, I kind of procrastinated this . . .)

Cheers and Eggs!

-yoshi




Zenith says...


Thankn you for the review. I'll definitely improve on the things you mentioned.



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Mon Feb 15, 2021 2:58 pm
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Beccablue wrote a review...



Hi Zenith,

Wow! I really liked the story you wrote, I love reading science fiction plots and the thought that there are people who can read people's thoughts is a great plot and creative idea!
Great title, it tells us what the protagonist can do. I was also thinking of another title idea 'Unsaid'. As in, things left unsaid. But I’m just telling you want I was thinking as I read it ;)

The story plot was great, I didn’t see any huge inconsistencies. However, when we learn that Ray wants to get in with the cool crowd, I didn't understand why she went to the diner with Vye. Is Vye her oldest friend, was Stacey too busy to watch the speech?

And I could have gone with Stacey and her friends, my chance to get into the cool crowd at school. To think that I missed it. For this.


Did Ray not want to watch the speech? She seemed pretty invested to hear what the president had to say.
It is up to you if you want to elaborate more on that but it seems that Ray’s motives changed.

Other than that, I just saw a few sentences that could be improved.

Some of the eyes were fixed to the television screen, while the rest flickered to the clock impatiently every few minutes. It wasn't time yet.


I have not heard of anyone using ‘flickered’ for people looking at something. This word is often used to describe a light or flame flickering. Perhaps use ‘glanced’ or ‘glimpse’ or ‘brief look’ to show them quickly looking back and forth between the TV and the clock. This is the same for:
Vye’s eyes involuntarily flickered to the screen for a second.


This next quote doesn’t really make sense.
"... Listen in on our thoughts- what kind of witchcraft it is!”

I believe what you meant was: “…Listening in on our thoughts— what kind of witchcraft is that?!”

I want to point out that I really loved how you composed the conversation with the elderly couple and the waitress. It shows that the old man and woman can look at the same person and think of two entirely different things. Beautifully done!

Next spot you could change would be the thoughts of the owner.
If the other girl hadn’t taken this week off for a family emergency, I would have already fired Gina.

It would make more sense if you gave the ‘other girl’ a name because the owner would know the names of his employees.

One last thought I had would be the end of this sentence:
...and I understood those humans all the better for it.

It doesn’t quite sit right, it doesn’t have the same flow as the rest of the paragraph. Perhaps change it to:
“and I understood those humans all for the better.”

All in all, I agree with the other review/comments that the focus on empathy is a twist that I did not see coming. It tells us that the Auditus did not have a secret agenda, but they have an enhanced ability to truly feel with other people. To not solely interact with what people said, but what they have left unsaid. Well done! The ending has to be my favourite part!
You did a wonderful job, keep up the great work and creative ideas! Looking forward to more stories!




Zenith says...


Thank you so much for your review. I'll fix the errors and I'm glad you like the story. :)



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Sun Feb 14, 2021 10:35 pm
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LilPWilly wrote a review...



This is phenomenal. I love the empathetic view of outcasts—it’s inspiring. I hope you continue developing this idea.
The only input I have is that people think in many different ways. I would pay attention to the types of people you rarely notice in real life as research for this. Whatever you put out I’ll be excited to read it!




Zenith says...


Thank you for the review and suggestion. :)



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Sat Feb 13, 2021 6:11 pm
quitecontrary wrote a review...



I'm really impressed by your story! My first read through was a little confusing, mostly because I wasn't sure who was thinking what, but I was really surprised by the ending! I love Vye's focus on empathy instead of choosing to be angry or judging other people for their thoughts. Also I thought it was a very interesting contrast with the president's speech:

Before we step into this new era, I urge you to remember that we are the same in our hearts and minds.
...
We conducted one experiment that resulted in such grievous consequences, now we want to find a cure to this gene that has divided the human race.

The president is trying to be human and empathize with the Auditus, but at the same time he is determined to be re-elected and as such calls the experiment a "mistake" and urges a return to the status quo; after all, everything was better before it changed, right?
One small thing:
We needed to group together and fight back against this tyranny, I was sure some humans like Vye would even sympathize with our cause.

Do you mean Ray here? I thought Vye was the narrator...
Overall, I thought this was a fascinating take on mind-reading! Most of the time people focus on it as a superpower, but instead your character uses it to help people in small ways. Instead of making people wish they had superpowers, you show how superpowers can augment empathy and regular human virtues, and suddenly this story becomes much more accessible to everyone. I really enjoyed this :D
Happy writing!




Zenith says...


About who the actual protagonist is, I would have to request you to read this story once more. You're a little confused. Vye is just one of the many people whose thoughts the actual protagonist (who is only revealed near the end) can read.
Nonetheless, I'm glad you appreciate my take on mind reading and empathy. Thank you for the review! :)





I get it now! I'm not sure why I latched on to Vye in the beginning, but thanks for redirecting me :) I think I was reading this more as a chapter of a novel and not a short story(oops)



Zenith says...


It's understandable because in general protagonists are introduced in the beginning. Also, this premise does have the potential to be turned into a novel (only if someday, I stop being too lazy about it)





Haha xD I totally understand! I never have the stamina to keep writing after four pages, but if you do decide to turn this into a novel I would definitely read it!



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Sat Feb 13, 2021 3:21 am
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strangelyregular wrote a review...



Okay, I would like to say first of all that just because I saw the twist coming doesn't mean that it isn't still an incredibly smart plot twist. Having a first-person narrator disguised as omniscient for the majority of the plot is absolutely genius. The descriptions are very atmospheric and the personalities of the characters are clear. Also, the concept is great and very well thought out. It's just a really good story all the way down.

Although I feel like I should, at least, find one thing to constructively criticize if I'm going to be using this to farm points. Uh... the bit at the beginning sets up a few decoy protagonists that I wish I could've seen either more of enough to get context or less of enough to not get too invested? This should be a series? I don't know, this is just a generally pretty good story.




Zenith says...


I'm glad you could make out the perspective change that I used when introducing the actual protagonist without much confusion.
About the decoy protagonists in the beginning, when I started writing this story, I wasn't sure how to go about it and write out each of the characters; so I may have added a bit more details to the first 2 chars' interaction. Thank you for the review.

P.S.- Welcome to YWS, hope you like it here!





Oh, you're welcome! And thank you for the welcome. Y'all have been pretty great so far so I think I might just stick around for a bit and see if I vibe, yknow?



Zenith says...


Oh yeah definitely. The best thing about YWS is that it's like a community and everyone's really nice and supportive of everyone else. :)




By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
— Winston Churchill