Young Writers Society

Hey Zelda - you're rocking review day so I thought I'd stop by and leave a review for you myself!

I see what you mean in the author's note with the 10 point words at the bottom of the piece especially. I actually enjoy how you use some of them and don't find it too awkward as far as the flow goes, but if you do revisit this maybe consider making the word choice a bit more consistent? Like the last several lines seemed to have all the really tough words while the first half was pretty average for word choice -- if you spread it out or elevate some of the beginning you'll have a more balanced feel. But nice work actually incorporating these into your piece in a way that makes sense!

My main suggestion for this piece is that at a few places it felt like you were just doing a bunch of 3-5 word statements that had little relation to each other. One way to remedy this is to let more of the sentences bleed into the next line (even if you need to break up phrases). You can also look at some of your punctuation to get a clear idea of what's being repeated too much.

For instance if a capital letter is C and an uncapital letter is U -- you want your line beginnings to look kind of like this:
C
U
U
C
U
C
U
U
U
C
C
(does that make sense? It's random! That's the point -- you mix up sentence structure a bit for variety)

In a few places in your poem it was like this:
C
C
C
C
U
C
U
C
U
C
(see how repetitious that is? You want to have a bit more variety! This will help the lines not feel so choppy)

Overall on theme, I like what you're doing -- the idea of a person feeling like a mirror to another person is just interesting and although I'd love a bit more imagery in here about that aspect, I think you nailed some of the more philosophical considerations of that theme.


If you have any questions about my review, feel free to ask.

~alliyah

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Thank you for your reviews!

Let me start by making this statement clear as day: your rhyme scheme is an absolute marvel! It adds coherence to the whole lyrical musing. The way the 'story' of the 'narrator' unfolds is actually delightful, because it's a bit of a thriller. The format of the poem by eye captures the jist of the poem in my opinion - ragged, but flowing like a wave. I'd recommend using less obviously-schoolish vocabulary for personal works of your own, and I say this out of experience. One can be Shakespeare, making points using fancy intricacies of language, or one can be an Oscar Wilde. You know, keeping it simple, relevant, and point-blank witty.
That's not to be taken as depreciation of the poem. Overall, it's an engaging read.

WOW, what a great poem. I agree with RossLighting on the fact that the poem was too long. I loved it anyway though. Your ending was powerful, and I loved it. Some words confused me, but a lot of words do anyway. I love how your poem has a deep meaning, well at least that is how I see it. I could also envision some parts of your poem. It was just all around great!

Cool poem. I thought it was a bit too long, and I didn't understand the word 'xenagogue'. Quite surprised you found a rhyming word for that, that was cool. The poem was well worded, and well thought out, and I thought the sentence 'for a human I am not was quite powerful. Enjoyed the poem, hope you make many more. It was very good, and very well made.


Keep writing!


-Ross