Young Writers Society

Is this an undertale thing?

Hey Zelda, alliyah is here again to leave a review in honor of review day! (you've written like a bazillion today, so surely deserve to receive a few reviews yourself right?)

A few observations:
I enjoy the tone you establish near the beginning of this person that seems completely trapped - it almost seems like your describing a robot or even a soldier. Thought provoking. I would love to know more background on what forces are actually forcing them against their will. I think that's a huge plot/conflict element this poem is missing.

Now my favorite part of this poem was actually the flow! Very few people do flow well in poems these days (this is my opinion, and I think my poems actually often have very bad flow too!) but this one actually totally worked, it was almost like a nursery rhyme with the short blunt lines and questions mixed with the rhyming. Well done here! It added to the piece because it was almost sing-songy but then the topic was really harsh -- so there was a cool dissonance.

One part I did not get was "I can't believe how dark it gets!" I don't understand what this is referring to or how it adds to the poem. Maybe a different discription other than "dark" could be used and be a little bit more descriptive?

And then I've gotta say, I wasn't a fan of the ellipses (...) or the exclamation point (!) both just seemed a bit random, and distracted me from what was going on in the poem. But other people love those punctuation marks so take that with a grain of salt.

Nice, short poem.

~alliyah

This is a Team Werewolves Review. Happy Review Day!

Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :achievement

So, first thing I notice is that a place or two is missing a comma. Those lines would be "It's too late" (the line after that would sound better if you were to put "the chance to save a friend"), "I can't believe" (this would also sound better if you were to put "I can't believe it"), otherwise the poems flow was great and I rather liked it.

Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that you are falling. Falling into the lake called depression. Maybe axneity? Or grief. Blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong and you wish you could stop yourself from doing that but you can't because it is so much harder then it seems to be and no one knows just how much you are struggling. No one does and maybe on one ever will. All you can do is hope, right? You feel so burden by every little thing that happens to you and feel like you can't anxiety anything, the big and small. Some days you can hardly even get out of bed, just getting a shower is an achieve to you! Your mind goes back and forth all of the time between what is wrong and right.

Overall, I liked the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!

HEELLO Zelda Is Shiek,
Wow. This poem's got a fast beat, the lines are short and the poem's short. Makes the reader want to keep reading!
The rhyming scheme is great, feels smooth and natural, not forced and awkward. There is one part, "goals unachieved" that felt a little wavy. Probably because unachieved had too many syllables in it. Still, the rhyming is awesome.
"I decide to reset." What does that mean? When I read it, I suddenly thought video games. And then I thought Zelda because your username is Zelda but that was totally random.
This poem has a great rhythm and rhyme but there's no emotion. I can't feel what the character feels. The poem seems to only brush on the surface of what's going on.
But that's about the only trouble I can find. Over all, the poem is really good- short and rhyming, two of the things I like about poetry.

I'm still thinking Zelda,

Night Kaizer

yayyyyyyyyy a review! Rose here for a review :3

Let us start! (i haven't written a review in so long sooo lets give this a shot)

The rhyming doesn't seem forced or rushed at all. I felt as if every word belonged which is important when writing a poem. Though the rhyming is kinda inconsistent in the beginning? It switches from

I can't go back...

I can't be free...

Forced to attack,

can't show mercy.

It's too late

to save a friend.

Inside I debate:

Is this the end?

wow! that was pretty great! to me the beginning is everything and it really tells you a lot about just, how the story will go, and I loved your beginning, it polled me in like a whirlpool to a incoming ship, you did an amazing job.
um, their were no grammatical errors that I could find so great job on that, I just think all in all you did an awesome job and I cant wait to read more of your work


MagicAce out!