Hi Zelda!
Just popping over here for a quick review--I hope your day is going well! I'm just going to highlight a few specific pieces of your story that I have questions and suggestions about, then go into a more general overview.
Donning his plaid shirt and brown trousers, whose colors complemented perfectly his tanned complexion and dark, curly hair, he stepped out into his world each day.
It's okay to go into physical appearances, but it's best if they're woven into the story. For example, we don't need to know that the colors perfectly complement his skin and hair. You could say something like, "Donning his plaid shirt and brown trousers, just like many of the other farmers in the glade, he combed through his dark, curly hair and stepped out into his world each day." There, I just put in a bit about others in the glade to show Everest's relationship to them, and that way it doesn't seem so much like listing a character description. You don't have to do exactly that, of course, but changing the context around the physical appearance might help.
It was Autumn, the time of the harvest, and Foster had already paid them a visit. Hailing from the Forest of Spirites, he comes round Fall to rejuvenate the soil and grow the crops of humans. This happens each year, and each year, he greets Everest with a tale of grandeur and venture.
Rejuvenating the soil? That's neat! Interesting that this happens in the Autumn rather than the Spring. Is Foster still here? If so, hopefully we can meet him! And if not, maybe Everest will tell us a little more about that experience.
“Everest!” A shrill voice called, freeing sleepy eyes from their dark prisons.
Is this one of his parents? We haven't seen much of Everest's family yet, and if he's now able to be independent, they might have a big say in what he does/where he goes next, so I hope that they will come into play soon.
Everest rose swiftly, throwing off a thin tan blanket that he had used to keep warm. Soon heavier materials would be required as Autumn became Winter
Here, I feel like "tan" isn't the best descriptive word you could use. Since you talk about using heavier materials in the next sentence, it might be better and more telling of the world they're in to use a material in place of tan. "Throwing off a thin, knitted blanket", for example, or "thin cotton blanket". Then you could maybe add in an example of a heavier material in the next sentence.
Autumn became Winter and Brundon reigned over the Glade once more.
Ooh, Brundon, is that another mage like Foster? Or something else?? It's too bad that's a story for another day--hopefully we'll get some context on this soon, but it sounds neat!
Everest’s hands fell upon a small stone of white and silver. It was an opal, given to him by Foster at last year’s harvest. About it was a thin vaneer of golden light, the likes of which was a rare sight in the Glade.
Here, I can't tell if the stone is actually glowing, as if with magic, or if you're just describing the sine of the opal. A reaction from Everest would be helpful! Is the stone a rare sight in the Glade, or whatever it might be shining with?
Overall, a good start to the story! You have a clear world in mind, and though you drop some hints about it here, I hope that it really begins to shine through later on in your writing.
Everest seems like a great character, although we don't know much about him yet other than that he's a farmer--who wants adventure! Whether he gets it or not, I hope he'll develop along with your story. You did a very nice job with imagery, especially in the first paragraph, and you have a nice writing style--sort of like storytelling. Good luck as you continue writing this! I hope you post more, and you can feel free to tag me if/when you do.
-Q
Points: 6141
Reviews: 499
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