Young Writers Society

Thank you all for your informative reviews! I am working on improving this and making it less bland. I could have replaced "With" with a reference to the principle I am explaining.

Hi there ZeldaisShiek. This is Kays here dropping in for a review on an early Monday morning! With that being said, let's cut to the chase and delve right in.

First off, I want to say that there's not a problem with the concept of this poem. In fact, Yin and Yang as well as the 14 Principles that come along with that are quite interesting topics to write about. In contrast, the execution of this piece doesn't work, and that's mainly due to the repetition. Fourteen lines start with the word 'with' and that in itself is a large problem holding this poem back. Adding shackles that almost immediately make this unable to be interesting. The majority of this, fourteen out of the nineteen lines written are all set up and executed in a similar way.

I can identify exactly how each line goes: The line starts on 'with' and then picks one of the nouns related to either Yin or Yang (the first stanza deals with Yin and the second stanza deals with Yang) and is then followed up by the positive parts that can come with the previously stated noun. Each and every line in the first two stanzas ends with a period and that makes the sentence structure bland. I can understand why the repetitious route is taken but I can see the execution being much stronger. I love the theme of this poem and there are solid ideas throughout but I enjoyed the last five lines more than the entirety of the other fourteen lines simply because they're far less repetitious and bland and even more interesting.

In the final stanza you talk about people not enjoying bland food and suggesting to add some spices--do that with this poem! Make the first two stanzas more interesting and less droning on like a robot and this will be amazing. I see this holding a lot of potential...if this is reworked. Make the structure of the lines in the first two stanzas more interesting. Make the delivery more impactful to the reader. Finally, I wanted to point out my favorite part of this piece, the first line of the third stanza with 'Accept your virtues and your vices.' is a nice addition because it's stronger than the other lines in the third stanza and sums up the overall message of the poem.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day!

I like the premise quite a bit. where I'm caught slightly is the execution. This piece has great potential, but one thing you need to work on is the flow of your poem. The words are beautiful and inspiring, but right now the work comes off feeling a little choppy. the best way that I know to do this is to become aware of the rhythm of the words, like how and where the syllables land. Adding rhythm and flow to your poetry makes it so that every word seeings more poignant, and the work seems to come alive.