Well actually, I am doing that. But it's in a story that I'm going to publish. It probably won't be published anyways. But I'll give it a try. I think I'm going to call this off because it's kind of ruining the main story indirectly.
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Demons are known world-wide from fictional tales and our T.V. screens. But what you watch and read doesn't describe the real Demons. These tales do not describe to you the menacing, crazy and cunning mind of a real Demon. What the T.V. and the stories tell you are not true. You are being brain-washed by them. Demons are truly locked up in hell. But they do not control hell. And they do not merely want chaos. These Demons are cunning and vile. All of us know that they kill us. But why do they slaughter and slay us?
Well, this is where the story begins. Since the beginning of time, there was a force. This force was called "The Guardians of Death". These Guardians were brought to this world for a reason. To control the population of races. If a race goes too far in population, these Guardians cut the population. If a race is in danger of being wiped out, they help it grow back. To do these 2 tasks, the Guardians must control a bit of fate. They have little control of such a powerful thing, but it was enough to help our races.
One day, hybrids of the races were born. As they grew up, the Guardians knew that they were bad results from an "experiment". They tried to kill these hybrids, but they were too smart. They were aware of the force, not like normal races. They developed extreme smartness and were more powerful than any other creature on this earth. Once again, fate had to play a big part in our lives and two mortal forces appeared.
The System was the first to be founded. This group was created as soon as the races were aware of the hybrids. The hybrids were called Demons. The System slaughtered the Demons, and they heavily scarred the population, but the Demons were still very powerful.
Thus came the second group. They were called The Believers. They were more of a peaceful group, and did not like killing unless it was needed. They did not slay, but they banished these demons to hell. It was a much easier way, but it did have a major flaw. The Demons were just put in hell, like it was a second home to them. There was a great chance of these Demons returning, but attacking them was no use. All Demons were banished or slaughtered, until finally, peace came to the world.
Until one fateful night...
Well actually, I am doing that. But it's in a story that I'm going to publish. It probably won't be published anyways. But I'll give it a try. I think I'm going to call this off because it's kind of ruining the main story indirectly.
If you're going to do that you're better off not having a prologue. You're story would be many times better if you left the reader not knowing the origin of the Demons and the System and all the other parts you added to your storyline. Instead of explaining the full past, unfold it as the story progresses.
Maybe introduce the demons to a character who has no clue that they ever existed. Then they learn that there was a time when they were banished and they wonder, why? Then explain the Guardians of Death and other groups as the character learns more about the truth of their world.
I must say this prologue eliminated an extremly important twist to your writing that could make it very suspenseful. I can help you with that too, if you wish.
I really think you need to give these demons more detail; physical features as well as mental ones. You did cover the mental ones, but with very broad terms.
These tales do not describe to you the menacing, crazy and cunning mind of a real Demon.
One day, hybrids of the races were born.
The System was the first to be founded.
the Demons were still very powerful.
Thus came the second group. They were called The Believers.
I think this is a good start. It's a bit confusing, though--maybe it's because I've been awake too long today--but I don't really understand exactly what the demons are. Maybe you can read through what you have written so far and try to clarify it. It's good to keep a few things in the dark for later chapters, but don't keep the reader so in the dark that they lose interest in the story.
I like the way you ended the prologue, but I don't think you need the "to be continued" part. As long as there's another chapter posted, we know it's continued.
Anyway, nice start! I think "Fool" caught most of the major errors, so just work on clarifying things and this will be a good prologue.
<~>Jen<~>
This is the first critic i've done in a while, so here goes,
Firstly, this should be a prologue, not a chapter.
What the T.V. and the fictions in tales tell you are not true.
Why do they slaughter and slay us?
If a race goes too far in population, these Guardians lessen the population. If a race is in danger of being wiped out of this universe, they help it grow back.
They tried to kill these hybrids but they were too smart
They developed extreme smartness
This group was made as soon as the races were aware of the hybrids
and made a large scar into the population, but the Demons were still very powerful
There could be a return
Points: 890
Reviews: 5
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