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Young Writers Society



The Guardians of Death-Prologue

by Zeera


Demons are known world-wide from fictional tales and our T.V. screens. But what you watch and read doesn't describe the real Demons. These tales do not describe to you the menacing, crazy and cunning mind of a real Demon. What the T.V. and the stories tell you are not true. You are being brain-washed by them. Demons are truly locked up in hell. But they do not control hell. And they do not merely want chaos. These Demons are cunning and vile. All of us know that they kill us. But why do they slaughter and slay us?

Well, this is where the story begins. Since the beginning of time, there was a force. This force was called "The Guardians of Death". These Guardians were brought to this world for a reason. To control the population of races. If a race goes too far in population, these Guardians cut the population. If a race is in danger of being wiped out, they help it grow back. To do these 2 tasks, the Guardians must control a bit of fate. They have little control of such a powerful thing, but it was enough to help our races.

One day, hybrids of the races were born. As they grew up, the Guardians knew that they were bad results from an "experiment". They tried to kill these hybrids, but they were too smart. They were aware of the force, not like normal races. They developed extreme smartness and were more powerful than any other creature on this earth. Once again, fate had to play a big part in our lives and two mortal forces appeared.

The System was the first to be founded. This group was created as soon as the races were aware of the hybrids. The hybrids were called Demons. The System slaughtered the Demons, and they heavily scarred the population, but the Demons were still very powerful.

Thus came the second group. They were called The Believers. They were more of a peaceful group, and did not like killing unless it was needed. They did not slay, but they banished these demons to hell. It was a much easier way, but it did have a major flaw. The Demons were just put in hell, like it was a second home to them. There was a great chance of these Demons returning, but attacking them was no use. All Demons were banished or slaughtered, until finally, peace came to the world.

Until one fateful night...


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Sun Oct 02, 2005 12:51 pm
Zeera says...



Well actually, I am doing that. But it's in a story that I'm going to publish. It probably won't be published anyways. But I'll give it a try. I think I'm going to call this off because it's kind of ruining the main story indirectly.




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Sat Oct 01, 2005 9:01 pm
Yrael says...



If you're going to do that you're better off not having a prologue. You're story would be many times better if you left the reader not knowing the origin of the Demons and the System and all the other parts you added to your storyline. Instead of explaining the full past, unfold it as the story progresses.

Maybe introduce the demons to a character who has no clue that they ever existed. Then they learn that there was a time when they were banished and they wonder, why? Then explain the Guardians of Death and other groups as the character learns more about the truth of their world.

I must say this prologue eliminated an extremly important twist to your writing that could make it very suspenseful. I can help you with that too, if you wish.




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Sat Oct 01, 2005 2:43 pm
Zeera says...



I'm going to describe the demons in another chapter..




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Sat Oct 01, 2005 1:44 am
Yrael wrote a review...



I really think you need to give these demons more detail; physical features as well as mental ones. You did cover the mental ones, but with very broad terms.

These tales do not describe to you the menacing, crazy and cunning mind of a real Demon.

Spice this up with more description thick words. Cunning and menacing explains nothing to me. What do they do that makes them so vile, why are they so crazy?

One day, hybrids of the races were born.

Now, where did these hybrids come from? I understand if you will explain it within the story, but give at least some vague detail.

The System was the first to be founded.

What was this group compiled of? How did they go about their task of slaying demons?

the Demons were still very powerful.

What qualities and traits make these demons so powerful? What had they done that gained them their power?

Thus came the second group. They were called The Believers.

How did the Believers banish these monsters? What process took place? Was it an extremely dangerous task that put the Believers' lives on the line, as well as the people of the world?

These questions may seem excessive, but they are all things the readers want to know and wish to be explained with a vivid description.

Fix these problems up with some deeper detail and your story will be three times as good. So I don't leave you with advice you don't know how to use, send me a P.M., I can show you how to make your descriptions more detailed so that everyone can read your writing with joy.




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Fri Sep 30, 2005 1:52 am
Mighty Aphrodite wrote a review...



I think this is a good start. It's a bit confusing, though--maybe it's because I've been awake too long today--but I don't really understand exactly what the demons are. Maybe you can read through what you have written so far and try to clarify it. It's good to keep a few things in the dark for later chapters, but don't keep the reader so in the dark that they lose interest in the story.

I like the way you ended the prologue, but I don't think you need the "to be continued" part. As long as there's another chapter posted, we know it's continued. :D

Anyway, nice start! I think "Fool" caught most of the major errors, so just work on clarifying things and this will be a good prologue.

<~>Jen<~>




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Thu Sep 29, 2005 4:24 pm
Fool wrote a review...



This is the first critic i've done in a while, so here goes,

Firstly, this should be a prologue, not a chapter.

What the T.V. and the fictions in tales tell you are not true.


I think the fictions in tales bit is not right, i think it needs to be "What the TV and the stories tell you is not true" the word "fiction" confusses things here.

Why do they slaughter and slay us?


Whats this? Why is this here? It does not have a connection with the rest of the paragraph, lose it or make it count

If a race goes too far in population, these Guardians lessen the population. If a race is in danger of being wiped out of this universe, they help it grow back.


Too many words here, try changing it to "The Guardians control the population. In a race that has grown to large, they will cull the population, if a race is in danger of being wiped out, they help it grow back" Or something along those lines, but definatly drop the word "universe"

They tried to kill these hybrids but they were too smart


Stick in a coma after hybirds

They developed extreme smartness


How about "They were extremely intelligent" it flows better i think

This group was made as soon as the races were aware of the hybrids


made replaced with "Created"?

and made a large scar into the population, but the Demons were still very powerful


Try changing "A large scar" to "They heavily scarred the population..." you still use "scar" which is very effective, but drop the word that clunks the statement up

There could be a return


They could return or From there they could return?

Also, replace "2" with "two"

Well, thats about it. I think you have a good idea flowing here, but this should really be a prologue and not a chapter, start chapter 1 on "the fateful night"

I would like to read more if your up to posting the next chapter.





In the past I would definitely say who you would find inside. Not so much today. Place is bonkers …. As is everywhere
— Greg Specter