Published March 26, 2010
Tears Of the Night
Muffled screams of pain and sorrow
Moonlight spilling through the window
The sky is crying, just like me
A silent useless "Don't leave me."
But he's already gone.
I wish, I plead,
With no prevail
I look up through my tears
Stare at the moon
It's blueish tint is haunting
Haunting my every move
He's gone
Never coming back
He doesn't love me
Never did
I was a pawn in a wicked game
To play with my heart
I wish I could go back
Go back to before
Back to a life
Where he was never there
Tears of the night
The worst kind
No one hears
No one listens
Sweet Lullaby Of Cries
Carry me away
Slip into a troubled sleep
To wake in the morning
To face the tears again
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141,744 Literary Works • 675,665 Reviews
Thanks for the advice! It is very helpful. About the punctuation, I wasn't sure if i should have added it or not, because i didn't know if I could make it look right. Now that I look over it again, I see that I could have.
Thanks!
Hey there Zebra!
I got to say I absolutely adore your start here! It's wonderful and beautifully rhythmic. But your first "problem" or my first nit-pick is when I get to here:
These lines, for me, make your fluency seem choppy and it throws the pace off the poem a little. This is one of the main improvements, because this is where I feel things start to go a little wrong. Now I do know that punctuation in poetry isn't always needed, but here, deep down, I think it is. There's points where it could really benefit from some kind of rhythmic guidance, especially as the poem nears to the end. So I'd suggest introducing some commas, full stops and semi-colons to kind of offer that guidance.
Any'oo more good things! I love the narrative imagination that seems to spark through here such as this:
That isn't just brilliant, but it's independant and original too, so I really liked that bit. What I will also say is that there's bags of effect here too and it almost manipulates the reader into really experiencing your meaning.
I think if you want to achieve that top-notch effect here, then punctuation's the way forward!
Hope this helps & Keep writing,
Ben