(This poem takes place in a halocaust concentration camp during present day. In my English class we were learning about the Halocaust, and I got inspired. Tell me what you think!)
Where I am standing,
The ground is tainted.
Tainted with the blood of the innocent.
Sprits crushed and lives ruined,
Young souls lost to skies.
The air is foul,
The ground is tinted red.
The walls around me
Make me shudder.
I can't look at the ground,
Afraid of what I may see.
Death fills the air,
Darkness fills the soul.
My eyes only see what is infront of me.
But I am seeing without seeing.
Seeing beyond the eyes.
I see the pain.
I see the death.
I see the fear.
Seeing with your eyes is nothing,
Compared to seeing with your heart.
Men, women, and children
Once stood where I am now.
Now there is only a memory.
I can almost see the pain
On a dying man's face.
Feeling what it was like
To feel dead and still live.
Tears meant nothing
For they were useless.
You were bound to die anyway.
Where I am standing,
I am shaking.
Though nothing here's now,
I can still feel the memories,
The memories of pain and sorrow.
The memories of death.
Where I am standing now,
The ground is tainted
With a terrible mixture of blood and tears.
Where i am standing,
Is a place I never wanted to be.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I really like the emotion of this. I think that you have a lot of reitition in it though. I think that you could change it to be more new with every line that you write. There isn't much else I can wtite about that hasn't already been said.
Keep Writing
-Flower-
Hey Skittle! Hope here to review!
Don't use that there, it's unnecessary and just takes away from the poem. Try using a different word, or changing that line up a little.
"Spirits"
Sounds too close to Tainted
Love this line, but I believe "in front" is two words.
. Seeing, see, see, see, seeing, seeing, seeing.
Ahhh! Try using something else, please. It will sound much better, trust me.
So in this poem you repeated a lot of words, which takes away from the poem because it gets boring. Not good. So work it over again, read it out loud and see where words are too close together.
Should that be Holocaust? Titles are important, so you should certainly get the titles right, if nothing else.
I like the emotion behind the poem, it really drew me in and made me feel like I was standing right there in the place you where describing. That last line, "A place where I never wanted to be," worked really well.
The main issue I have with it is that this whole thing is terribly repetitive. There's a few words which are used several times, and the ideas seem to cycle round without really going anywhere.
I'd suggest playing around with this and trying out a few more ideas, it'll help the whole poem advance a bit more.
Hope this helps.
-Ten