If only she had thought first. She couldn´t believe her own stupidity. No one, no one, went out onto the grass. Not a single child on the jungle gym, no one lounging lazily under a tree. Now she knew why. The darkness engulfed her, her eyes straining for a glimpse of light. Heart pounding, hands clenching, she struggled to free herself from the sharp claws digging into her shoulders, desperate to get away from the chilled breath so close to her neck.
“It´s been a long time, I´m sorry I couldn´t come to see you sooner. They hid you well in this life.” One sharp nail trailed along her collar bone, slicing through skin, blood beading on the surface in its wake. She stayed silent, maybe this was a dream? She couldn´t help the shudder that raced along her nerves. Then she felt a small push, a quick tug, a light pressure on her neck, and then the cold, sharp sting of steel. Suddenly, there was light.
She felt weightless, as though the air itself supported her.
“Anne,” a soft voice floated on the breeze.
“Anne?” She wanted to go towards that voice, to wrap herself in those sweet, gentle tones.
“Anne!” She opened her eyes to see a blue, purple and gold sky, stretched as far as the eye could see. Standing in a garden lit by the dawn, every shift of her body brought the movement of wild flowers a deep, leafy greenery. Anne couldn´t comprehend the size of it, and gasped in wonder at every new beauty, each new delight that the garden spread to every horizon held. She took a step toward a tree in the very centre of the lush, never ending meadow, a scattering of dandelion puffs floating away from her touch. It was the biggest tree she´d ever seen. She couldn´t help being awed, it was amazing. But she was so far away. The size of a sapling in the distance, yet she knew it´s canopy could shelter cities.
“Not yet. You´ll be there soon, but only when you´ve finished. Don´t worry though, you´re almost done, just one last thing.” She didn´t have time to protest before again, there was darkness.
She was so lovely. Pale skin, slender frame, delicate features and a wide mouth. Her blue eyes, open wide with terror, had frozen in her last moments. The only problem he could discern was her hair, a few minutes ago, a shining platinum, now dyed a deep ruby red. He lowered himself to the concrete floor, and busied himself with arranging her features. A small smile, closed eyelids, relaxed eyebrows. He knew one day it would be different. One day, she would open her eyes again, and she would end him. His immortal reign over this earth would be over, and she, along with the rest of the world, would find peace. But until then, he simply had to keep finding her first, finding her, before she found the memories of all those past lives. Watching her walk out onto that grass, he´d held a bone deep satisfaction. As though in a trance, she´d waltzed to the tree, like she was drawn to it. He knew then that he had her.
He rose, and went to the corner where a few towels were stacked neatly. No point in allowing the blood to stain, evidence only ever lead to questions, and those were never easy to dispose of. Turning around again with the towels in hand, he watched in astonishment that quickly bled into terror as those icy blue eyes fluttered open, only this time, they were burning. When she turned her head, and graced him with a small, yet fury filled smile, an avenging angel, he knew he was finished, and he wept.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hi Zaza, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Title: I liked that the title to your story was the very first line, but on the other hand, it doesn't say much about what the story is about. Now since your story doesn't have a lot of detail (I'll get to that is a minute) you're going to have trouble finding another title, so I'd expand on your story first and then decide what the title is.
Plot: The plot of your story seems very interesting and I'm intrigued, but there just wasn't enough description and not enough time was spent on certain aspects of the story. The beginning really needs to be expanded upon. Why can't people go into the grass and how do they know not to go into the grass? The ending also needs quite a bit of expanding. Draw out some of the scenes. Make me hang onto your every word.
Characters: So there is obviously a little girl and some sort of creature or man. That's about all I get from the characters. I'd really like to see you give some more time towards the creature or man. He seemed like a great protagonist and I would have loved to spend a bit more time getting to know this character and why he's doing the things he is doing.
Now for the little girl. Why did she go into the grass if she knew that it was dangerous? You didn't really describe her very well, so I don't have clear picture of what she looks like. The transition between her and the creature or man to the tree was very sudden and I had to go back and read it again to make sure I hadn't missed something. If you expand of the chapter this shouldn't be to much of a problem.
Another strange thing I noticed in your story was that you seemed to cut from the little girl as the main character to the protagonist as the main character somewhere around the middle of the story. This was very confusing and I'd change that so that you stick to only on main character.
Description: The biggest problem with your story was that there practically wasn't any basic description. You did have specific description like when it came to the tree, but I need the more down to earth description, so that I can see where the characters are. You start with base description which it like a cake and then move on the specific description which is like putting the icing and cherry on top of the cake.
Overall this was a great idea and with a bit of work, it could turn in to a really good story but for it needs some expanding. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Hey hey! It's EverWinter. This is my first review in a while, so let's see how it goes.
I like it. You don't really have to listen to me. I'm out of practice anyway. But I enjoyed reading this. You have a nice writing style.
First off, this sounds like a great idea. I like where it's going. There isn't a lot of detail where it matters though. Why was it bad to go into the grass? An introduction to the man sooner would be a good idea. I think it doesn't really matter much about her being awed by the tree. If it is, I'd like to know why. In this short of a story, the exact description of Anne is overdone. I didn't really need to know everything about her for this short of a read. I also think it's a better idea to pick only two colors for the sky. Less of a mouthful for readers and it's easier to imagine.
One part I really like is when you are describing the nail cutting Anne. It was beautifully phrased. It had perfect rhythm and was very smooth. I also like the term Avenging Angel, although I don't know why he would call her that. It's really a very brief story and that makes it hard to picture and harder to follow. We don't know who Anne really is, why she went into the grass, why she is ending this man. What is her cause and purpose? I don't really understand it. I can speculate, but nothing more than that.
It is a great idea. I love the fantasy notion of it. The grass seems like a trial, which is new. But I would like to know, how tall is the grass? Ankle high grass isn't very threatening. But the size of a person? Now that would be daunting. I like the unknown element to the threat in the grass, too. It took a few readings to understand it more. This monster seems very interesting and will be a great antagonist.
I hope this made sense. I like where it is going. More detail, but the right details. I like the idea, especially the villain. You made him sound deep and dark, just in a few paragraphs. I like the end, where you describe her smile, which marks his end. Very good job
EverWinter