Deleted:DO NOT READ

Since OceanofStars already adressed most of the major issues with this piece, I'll just expand upon some things.

Most likely you have spent your entire life being told that the opening of your story should "hook the reader". I don't know about you but once I got out of elementary school if you EVER opened up your story with "Hi my name is..." the teacher wouldn't even accept it.

You're telling me to much to quickly. Think about it, why does the story NEED to be in colorado? Is the setting and location play an important enough part in your story that "small town" wouldn'y sufice?

Don't TELL me her parents are dead, show me. No family photos, no memories of family, ect. Which brings me to my next point: Fiera is completely unlikable. There is nothing I like about her or her boyfriend. Any of the characters really.

You know what you need your characters to be? Likable. How can you expect us to sympathize with them if they have no redeming qualities? Maybe Fiera's actions would have been more jusifiable if we had seen the relationship she had with her boyfriend.

You gave us them hanging out in a field for hours with their eyes closed. You tell us they love each other. Okay. But you have to make the reader love them together. TJ's kidnapping didn't matter at all to me because I didn't like him.

Why would anyone like a character who was selfish, shallow, and just generally unpleasent who was also willing to kill an ANGEL or BURN A BABY for her boyfriend who is also completely unlikable?

Let's look at some things you tried to do with character development:

You tried to give her this confident, sexy, rebellious kind of attitude and appearence but instead she comes off as that one bitchy slut at your school.

You tried to make her appear strong by not making her care about killing for the "boy she loves" or about the fact her parents are dead. Instead she came off as this unfeeling just generally bad person.

You tried to make her sound like this smart, talented, unique person but instead she's a cliche that no one will ever like.

Now some notes about what reader care about

-Unless the car is going to be significant, readers don't care about how much she loves the car.

-We don't care about the higlights in her hair or the gold ring around her eyes.

-We don't care about what everyone is wearing unless it's significant.

-We don't like it when a character cares to much about her physical appearence.

You have a good idea, but you need to re work your characters, take out the uneeded description and put in more of the things that actually matter. Keep writing.

-Tick

This has a great idea with the half-angels and the cat shapeshifters, yet you lack a few things to make it much better. You need to vary the number of words in your sentences so that they don't all seem the same, more detail, and make Fiera have more flaws to balance her annoyingly perfect personality. Try to make the readers relate to her in some way, because no one is going to relate to a rich snobby girl with an apparently perfect figure that also is lucky enough to have everyone drool over. She's not going to make very many friends like that.

I'll go through paragraph by paragraph for you, and I'll make any grammar corrections needed in them, so pay attention, if you would please. I may be harsh in some places, so I apologize beforehand, and there is some sarcasm.

Chapter 1

Hi. I'm Fiera Takai Sage.

This is a common starter to chapters. If you want it to be more original, try this: Today, I didn't know that someone I love would die. Try a different last name. Fiera and Sage make me think that a plant is on fire, and the other-worldly name is rather cliche for a girl living in a normal high school.

I'm eighteen, still going to high school, and I live in Durango, Colorado, on my own. My parents were killed after I was born, which doesn't bother me. I was their choice.

Describe what Durango, Colorado is like. Doesn't have to be perfect. How was her parents killed? Is Fiera devoid of empathy when she doesn't care about her parents' deaths? I would think that she thinks about it for some time. Does being a half-angel or cat make her care less? What does an angel typically look like?

You see, I am no normal human being. I'm half angel, half hybrid of all jungle cats. I'm not angel by choice; my mother was a pure, white as snow angel. My father was a wildcat. I'm not so fond of having wings sprouting out of my back on occasion, but they do come in handy sometimes. Whenever I can, I spend my time as some sort of cat. I enjoy the feeling of my claws ripping through flesh or other material.

Of course, she's not human anymore. She can take on human form, but is that just an illusion or is there some magic behind it? Is there a way for humans to become angels? Is her mother a type of angel? For example, she could be a Winter's angel as a type or some other made up species of angel.

Why do wings spring out of her back? Is it because she's in danger, she just wants to fly, or is it just a random reflex to flex them or something? Does she wear different clothing, or do they hover outside of her body? Why does she enjoy the feeling of her claws ripping through flesh or cloth? Does it stretch her muscles? Flesh is a lot harder to tear through than cloth, but I'm assuming human flesh, not animal flesh.

But back to my parents' story. Angels are not supposed to converse with humans or any other creature unless they are assigned as a guardian. But did my mother listen? Nooo.... Of course not. She just had to go flirting with every male she encountered. Granted, she had good taste; I heard my dad was smoking hot by some of his friends I have met. The feline predators could change from cat to cat at will, but they also were gifted with a human form. These carnivores were not allowed, like the angels, to speak with other species unless given specific instructions from their king. Neither of my parents chose to listen to their laws when they met each other. They had a typical “love at first sight” story; they met, talked, spent time together, created a relationship, birds and the bees, and bam! Here I am, and they are dead, living in whatever afterlife exists.

Why didn't Fiera's mother listen? Do angels have uncontrollable lust? How did Fiera meet her father's friends? Did they take care of her? Did anyone else know that they met? Someone could betray Fiera's parents. You know, you can make her parents banished to a place of no afterlife, just nothingness. There doesn't have to be an afterlife. I think it would make the characters' battles much more meaningful if they were fighting without a life beyond the grave.

To be honest, I don't miss them--not that I ever got to know them or anything. They knew their laws, but rebelled anyways. Their punishment was the after effect of their stupid actions. Makes me laugh, really. Their story was idiotic, as is any other type of instant love story.

I think anyone would feel a little bit of wonder at their lives if someone had lived. What would it be like if they had lived? Would they be good parents or bad parents? Would she love them or hate them? Fiera sounds cruel. She was the product of their "stupid actions," and she laughs at them.

So, back to the topic of me. I have straight black hair with blond, nearly white streaks; it flows down to the middle of my back. My eyes are an electric blue with a gold ring around my slitted pupil. I have the perfect hourglass shaped body all the girls at school want to kill me for. Jealousy is my meat. I'm in my senior year of high school. I skip school ninety nine percent of the time, though I have A pluses in all my classes. Once every week, I give the boys of the school a little show....


You don't need a bunch of description. Minimal description will do. For an over-simple example: My cat-like eyes are bright blue, my hair is black with some white-blond streaks, and I draw the gaze of many boys for my body that girls would kill me for.
She can't skip school that much and expect to keep up her grades. What about the tests and quizzes? Her school must suck if she's able to keep up those grades and skip so much school.

Chapter 2 (Great... I think you should just have one chapter at a time to make it easier to review.)

I flipped through my closet to pick out today's clothes. It was Wednesday, the day I usually present myself each week, so I had to look my best. I slipped on a sexy, midnight blue tank top and grey skinny jeans which made my butt look more appealing than usual. After gliding black ankle booties on my feet, I applied bright blue eyeliner, which made my eccentric eyes pop. Silver eyeshadow covered my eyelids. I smeared on a layer of ruby red lip gloss. I put my hair up in a simple, neat pony tail with my bangs hanging loose. I looked at myself in my body length mirror, and decided I was good to go. I looked fabulous, and I knew all the boys would be drooling at my feet.

Why Wednesday? That's the middle of the week, and many students will be busy with school and sports and other things. The makeup and clothing description needs to be shortened to one or two sentences. There's no need to devote a whole paragraph to her looks.

I grabbed the keys to my dark blue Lamborghini Murcielago along with my iPhone, and skipped down the stairs and out the front door. I locked the door behind me and shuffled into my muy expensivo car. I looked out the tinted windows to see my teenage neighbors gawking at the beautiful machine. I chuckled and after I started it, I revved the engine. The adolescents nearly fell on their faces in awe. I backed out of my driveway and sped off towards the school, roaring the engine in the process. Oh how I love this car. The muffled roars made me shiver.

How did she get the car? I hope she worked hard for it. I don't think teenagers would be outside at Wednesday night. Probably at home on their computers or video games, but I guess they could be outside working on their own car or something. Fiera seems kind of arrogant, and that will drive away a lot of readers if you don't do it correctly. Pride in having more money than others is not exactly a reader magnet. Try to limit it to a few things that she worked for. I think the neighbors would be used to seeing the car enough to not fall over it. I'm sure that Fiera is best friends with her car, but show that she loves it, such as smiling when she sees it. If she drives the car enough, she'll get used to the engine roars. They're nothing special.

The school was about forty-five minutes away from my house, but at the speed I go, twenty. I haven't gotten one speeding ticket. How? Insert winky face here. I pulled into the massive parking lot. I had people parting like the Red Sea when I arrived. I knew the look in their eyes; they all knew who had just drove in. Someone pulled out of their parking spot just so I could take it. It was a pretty good one, so I couldn't leave the offer. It was in the front row, right next to the entrance of the massive building. I parked and waited. Like I had expected, people had nonchalantly gathered around the Lamborghini. I smiled.

How about putting a scene where she deals with a police officer and gets away with it. That would be fun to read. Where did she go to have so many people in the area? The Red Sea is a common simile. Try something else. Is it a small town or a big city? I think that she was lucky enough to get the front row. Don't write that someone else did that for her. It seems really arrogant and petty. Is Fiera famous? I don't see any other reason that people would know that was her in that car.

I stepped out of my car, and watched the boys' eyes fall in love. I shut my door and as I strutted away, I pressed the keypad to lock my precious car. I knew the boys weren't going to resist looking at my ass. I heard hundreds of wolf whistles as I sashayed away to the school.

I'm glad she's confident enough about her body, but wolf whistles aren't exactly the best way of getting compliments. It says poorly about the men's character and her own too, to accept that. Wait. School? I thought it was something else, like a concert, though you mentioned school a paragraph or two back. There is no way in Hell that people from high school will flock to one person like fruit flies to fruit, because teenagers won't worship someone who goes to their school. It doesn't work that way. They love those who are more famous than them, not the same age as them or something.

I entered the school with a wicked smirk plastered on my face. I traveled through the hallways, making any teenage boy drool. I even winked at a couple, which made them topple over in surprise. I was the queen of the school. Every girl wanted to be like me. Their jealousy fed me with a week's portion. Some girls had their boyfriends staring at me as they passed by, which they had a nice, red hand print on their faces for. As I strutted farther down one hallway, and my eyes met deep, dark brown eyes. I smiled and ventured over to the teenage guy.

People will get used to her. After all, she's been at the school for almost four years, and they're still acting this way towards her?

Tallion Jones, preferably called to as TJ, was staring at me with boasting eyes around his friends, who were quickly leaving. He was several inches taller than me. His skin was dark; he was Filipino, so he was several shades darker than my pale skin. His hair was dark brown, nearly black, neat and short, yet scraggly. His eyes were beautiful, and always attracted my attention whenever I was around him. He had a nice build. He had strong, sturdy arms and broad shoulders. Underneath his skin tight, white shirt, I could see the perfect outline of his eight pack. He was wearing his typical black, leather jacket, black skinnies, and grey, black, and aqua Osiris shoes. Man, was he hot. Did I forget to mention he's my boyfriend?

Less description, more personality. Boasting eyes? Really? Try Very cliche and boring. Very dark, isn't he? Eight-pack? He better go to the gym everyday for that, and that's one tight shirt. With the addition of skinny jeans and those shoes, I can't believe he's not gay, at least, the stereotyped version of it. I don't care if she forgot that he's her boyfriend, people do not have that short-term of a memory.

I twirled into the boy's arms after taking his jacket for myself. I slid it on and planted a kiss on his cheek. He smelled of Old Spice today. “Good morning, Tallion.”

Twirling? Like a ballerina? Old Spice? Was that the only cologne you could think of?

“Look who decided to show up today,” his deep, sexy voice chuckled.

A deep, sexy voice? How convenient. Did he go through puberty early?

“Oh, you know it's Wednesday. My usual make-every-boy-in-the-school-drool day.”

How perfect. A day especially to make boys drool. I think that they can have porn or their boyfriends or girlfriends to keep them company.

“Mission accomplished,” TJ laughed. He glanced around at all the guys who were glaring at him with jealousy.

Not everyone will get jealous, and how nice that she found someone to match her awful personality to. It's like he's a perfect copy of her! How amazing!

“Like normal.” I smiled up at him with my blinding white teeth.

That's not normal, but she's not normal. Angels better be stunningly beautiful. I do hope that no one became blind at the result of her teeth.

“So are you actually staying for classes today?” He asked.

He had to ask that question? She's a terrible student, and she should have been kicked out.

I scoffed. “You know me. When ever do I do that?”

Hmm. I don't know. Never?

“Come on babe, I never get to see you. Just today, please?” Tallion looked at me with that adorable, puppy look I love.

Don't use puppy look. It's used too much. And Tallion (Strange name, now that I realize it. I like TJ better.) had to ask her to stay. Hmm, something's wrong there. Aren't her parents supposed to say that?

“Why don't you ditch with me?” I proposed.

Trying to act cool? Or trying to drag him down to her level?

“You know what my parents will do to me when they find out. Please, Fiera, for me?”

At least he listens to his parents. Fiera acts like she doesn't have any guardians or anyone to watch her.

I took his hand and intertwined our fingers. I pulled him out of the crowds, and eventually to outside to my car.

“Fiera, come on. No skipping,” TJ sighed.

“Too late.” I unlocked the doors and pushed him into the passenger's seat. Before he could get back out, his door was shut, I was in the driver's seat with the car started and backing out.

No human in the world can act that fast, and I think that TJ would have some resistance if he truly cared about school. I hope that Fiera has super speed.

TJ sighed in defeat. He knew there was no way he was going to win this. I sped out of the parking lot, and got onto the highway.

He didn't even try to fight, so he can't sigh in defeat.

“So where exactly are we going?” He looked over at me with curiosity.

“Somewhere,” I replied with a wink.

Oooh, somewhere! I wonder where. Perhaps not.

“Do we really have to do this?”

If only, if only you had fought. Then you would have a better chance for a future and go to college.

I looked over at him. “Is the bad-boy Tallion Jones worried?” I gasped teasingly.

He's should be. She's acting like she wants to take him to the middle of nowhere and pull some sick joke on him. Maybe I'm over-thinking it.

“You know how my parents are!” He argued. "Especially with this being senior year!"

He should listen to his parents. He only has a few months to go before he can do this all the time--with some exceptions like getting a job.

“I'll deal with them.” I looked back to the road and turned sharply onto a dirt road. For being ungraded, it was a smooth ride.

How? Killing them?
Seducing the father and the mother? Please, tell me how a barely legal teen winks and and saves her boyfriend's ass. Nah, I don't think so.

I was taking him to a field out in the middle of nowhere, really. I parked the car in a slight ditch and got out. TJ mimicked my movements and instantly came to my side. I locked the car and led him to the field. It was a ten minute walk from the abandoned road. I pulled him into the lush green grass and sat down in the middle of the green field. TJ lay down next to me, and I nestled on his chest. I could hear his heart beating a million miles an hour.

Is the field by the mountains? By a lake? By the forest or sea?

“Relax, babe,” I sighed. “Everything will be fine, I promise.”

Tallion wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my neck. “If this ends badly, my mother will have your head.”

I laughed. “Highly unlikely, but all right.” I turned my head slightly and pressed my lips softly to his. After a minute, I pulled away and looked into his beautiful eyes. “I love you.”

Highly unlikely? I don't think that any force on Earth could come between a mother and her child. I guess this means that Fiera will kill her or something.

He sighed, content. “Love you too, beautiful.”

I resettled my head on his chest. I closed my eyes and listened to TJ's heart rate decreasing. I felt one of his hands rubbing my stomach; he had somewhat difficulty each time he encountered my bellybutton piercing. I was happy with the moment, and I could tell he was enjoying the day off. Hours flew by. The only reason I knew was by the position of the sun and where it blinded me under my eyelids. I opened my eyes, seeing a reddish orange sky of the evening. Time was the fastest thing spent when I was with him.

I don't think that someone can close their eyes for hours and not fall asleep.

A branch snapped. I sat up in surprise. Some leaves rustled; I looked in the direction of the sound. I felt TJ sitting up. I saw a glimpse of black eyes and heard a low growl, which only my cat-enhanced ears could hear. My gut warned me that whatever this animal was, it was highly dangerous. What in the world was I going to do? TJ didn't know my secret, I couldn't change with him here.

She has cat ears, or powerful hearing? Oh, the gut feeling. The fight-or-flight feeling should kick in after a few seconds, because humans, or humanoid creatures in this case wouldn't be able to fight or flee. Adrenaline should rise, and her heartbeat should quicken, preparing her to fight to the death or run. I don't think that the fight for life would concern her boyfriend, because if one of them is going to die, she better transform into cat to save herself or both. He can thank her later.

“TJ, get back to the car,” I barely whispered.

“What about you?” He responded almost silently.

“Just go,” I demanded. With the silent crushing of leaves, I could tell the beast was getting closer.

“I'm not leaving without you,” he contended.

“Tallion Jones, you listen to me. When I say go, you will run as fast as you can to the car. Do you understand me?” I growled.

He was shocked at the sternness in my voice, but still he retaliated. “No.”

Describe the look in his eyes, his eyebrows, his mouth agape or however you think he looks like in your head.

A pungent smell hit my enhanced sense of smell. Great. A demon wolf. Enemy of both my bloodlines. It was getting closer and closer.

How does she know that demon wolves are her enemies? They could be anyone's enemies, judging that she told TJ to leave.

“TJ, Goddammit, go!” I ordered.

“No. I'm not leaving you here,” he opposed.

“I can take care of myself. This is not the time to argue with me. Go!” I demanded.

For the conversation, don't use other forms of "said." Use it sparingly, because it can get rather annoying after a while.

Ah, now he fights, but I guess that would be the ruin of him.

The rustling stopped, striking fear into my heart. It was readying itself to attack. With TJ arguing, I had no choice. He was going to see. I shook my head angrily. I turned and shoved TJ several yards back towards the line of trees behind us. He looked at me, surprised at what I had just done. The movement triggered the demon's assault. The black beast jumped in my direction.

Show how her fear takes over her, and I'm confused. Didn't TJ fall over, or he just stepped back after she shoved him?

“Shit.” I quickly started to change. My bones shifted and changed with my new shape as I grew larger. My body was overrun with orange and black striped fur. I was a Siberian tiger.

Try more description. Does she feel pain? Animals don't see all the colors that we do, so does her eyesight change? Tigers have long whiskers that are extremely sensitive. Is there any rocks or tall grass for them to brush against? They depend on them to check out their surroundings. Does Fiera feel the new-found power of the tiger's body? It's much stronger than a human, after all.

I jumped at the demon. It sank its teeth into my neck, but I easily ripped it off. I sunk my claws into its flesh and left several ragged wounds. The thing cried out in pain. I dug my razor sharp teeth into its neck and ripped. A new cry attracted my attention. I looked over to see TJ being attacked by two others.

The demon must be very weak, and much smaller than the tiger to be easily ripped off like that. Was its head ripped off, because I don't think that it can cry out in pain anymore if that is so.

Ah hell.

I left the bleeding demon to its misery and bounded over to TJ and his assailants. I pawed one away from him; it collided with a tree with a sickening snap. I turned to the other with a menacing snarl. It was tearing at Tallion's chest, leaving trails of torn flesh and blood as it was dragging him away. I jumped at it, pulling it away from TJ, and pinned it down, sinking in my claws deep. It bellowed out in agony. I silenced its petty screams with a slash to its weak, leathery neck. I tore the beast into shreds then ran over to the other abandoned one. It was injured pretty bad; I was sure the impact had broken its spine. I set a paw onto the wriggling body. Its black eyes looked up at me with fear. I glared down at it, and left it to its misery.

Leather isn't exactly weak. It would be very hard to rip through. I think more detail is needed for the demon. I don't know if it has fur, a skinny tail or whatnot.

I changed back to my normal self and ran over to TJ. He had long gashes along his chest and arms, but he was paying no attention to that. He was looking at me with shock, horror, and fear.

She is her normal self in all forms. TJ should be shaking after all of that, and clearly in pain if the adrenaline has not faded.

“TJ, please. Don't be scared of me,” I begged.

“What the hell are you!” He exclaimed.

“I'll explain later, okay? We've got to get those wounds cleaned up. If we don't, you're going to be in extreme pain,” I said quickly. I pulled out my cell phone from my pocket quickly. I dialed a number and tapped my fingers impatiently on my jeans. After a couple rings, a guy answered.

Isn't he in extreme pain already? He did get his flesh torn by demons.

“Hello?”

“Nathaniel,” I breathed, “we have a problem. I need a medic right away.”

If she knows his name, he should not be mentioned as "a guy" in that sentence before the last few.

“What happened this time, Fiera?” He sighed heavily.

“Wolf demons. I've got human here with their venom in his veins.”

“A human? Fiera how many times do I have to tell you-”

“I don't care about the law, Nathaniel! I need someone here now before he dies!” I growled.

Tallion looked at me with pain and anxiousness. I gave him a reassuring look.

A reassuring look won't help him understand that everything will be okay. A thumbs-up or an "ok" sign would be better.

“Fine. Jake is on his way.” The line clicked.

I grumbled to myself as I shoved my phone back into my pocket. I kept my eyes on the sky, waiting for the angel to get his ass over here. I heard TJ's breath catch. I looked back to see him with his eyes closed. Through his shaded skin, I could see his veins starting to turn black with the demon venom.I took his hands in mine and returned my gaze to the sky. Bright red wings were fluttering in the sky towards us. I sighed with relief. The angel landed beside us silently with a kit in his hands. He looked at me and shook his head with disappointment.

“Nathaniel is not pleased,” Jake growled.

“I don't give a flying fuck, Jacob,” I snapped.

“So what happened?”

“Demons attacked, I was sidetracked so I didn't see others get him. The venom is already flowing,” I explained. “Hurry up.”

Jake knelt down next to TJ and inspected the wounds. He opened up the case and took out a couple utensils. He tore away what was left of the ragged white shirt and began to clean the festering wounds. I watched as I nibbled on my thumb fingernail. Jake took out a jar of a glowing gold and red liquid; it was angel blood, and it was the most effective thing they had against the venom. He took out a syringe and a cloth. He poured some of the liquid onto the rag and dabbed it on the gashes. Jake filled the needle and pressed it into Tallion's wrist, ejecting the fluid directly into his bloodstream.

The fastest way to get a bunch of blood into another person is by hooking up a blood bag and a saline bag to the person, not by dabbing it on their wounds. Does TJ feel any pain from the blood, and is the blood type correct for TJ, or does Angel blood not have a type?

Without a word, Jake gathered up his things and took off. I didn't mind his rudeness as I watched the black veins fade to normal. TJ's expression didn't look so contorted, but he never opened his eyes.

Jake's rudeness or TJ's rudeness?

Carefully, I lifted him up; he wasn't really that heavy considering the amount of muscle he had. I carried him back to the car and set him in the backseat. I hopped into the driver's seat and easily backed out of the ditch. I turned the car around and headed back to the highway. I looked back on occasion to see how he was doing; he looked like he had no intentions of waking. This wasn't normal, but it was a rare after effect of a human being injected with an angel's blood. I pulled into my neighborhood, sighing in relief at the sight of no one around. I parked in my driveway. There was a suspicious feeling in my gut, telling me something was wrong, or was going to go wrong; I ignored it, wanting to get TJ inside before anything else decided to pop up. I left the car to go unlock and open the doors when a startling noise echoed behind me.

Muscle is heavy, and Fiera is much smaller than him. Do Angels have super strength? Ah, the gut feeling again. It comes up at just the right time, doesn't it?

Chapter Three
I turned around to see the earth of my front yard cracking open like it was an egg. A foul stench entered my nostrils, and I nearly gagged. Small, gargoyle looking, winged creatures protruded from the gaping ground. Behind them exited a man. He was dark, gangly, and was covered ashed. He looked in dire need of a shower. He looked up at me with black and red eyes.

Nice description of the earth cracking. I've never thought about that, strangely. Can other people see the earth cracking and the winged creatures flying out?

“Fiera, my dear. You haven't changed,” a deep, raspy voice chuckled.

“Who are you?” I asked boldly, inching my way towards my car.

Boldly? Try more detail.

“Isn't it obvious?”

Of course not. A man coming out of the earth must be the undead! No, he can't be. Some being like this must always be so much more powerful because he had an army of bat creatures flying out behind him. Where did they go? To the sky or to the humans to steal their souls?

I looked at the man and the beings surrounding him. They had come from underground... The Underworld, of course! I growled threateningly and stood protectively over my car, but they didn't know that. Hopefully.

Growled threateningly? The ugly man must show fear in order for her growl to be threatening, and how can she stand protectively over her car? Is the crack to the side of the car or the front?

“Why are you here, Lucifer?” I hissed.

“Ah so you do know me!”

I rolled my eyes. Vaguely.

No. One can either roll their eyes or not.

“Well, Ms. Sage, I am here simply to... well, never mind. That plan wouldn't work on you, you're too dauntless.” The man put a finger on his chin in thought.

A silent command had taken place. I was ripped away from the Lamborghini by all the disgusting demons as others flooded into it. I wrestled against them, but the numbers that were pouncing on me every second was hindering my ability. I watched as the other gargoyles took grasp of Tallion and pulled him out of the car and back towards the king of the Underworld.

I cried out in rebellion. “No! Please, no! Not him!”

Rebellion? Ah, the Lucifer of Paradise Lost would know that, but not the Bible. Interesting that you would give a beautiful name to an ugly creature. If you are trying to reference the Bible, Lucifer is human in the Bible, and Satan is an angel, but not fallen. I guess you could reference Lucifer or Satan as told in other stories.

Lucifer smiled at me and disappeared into the crack in the ground. The miniature devils followed him and they too vanished. The beasts bombarding me instantly ceased their movements and most jumped back to their home before it sealed. I jumped at the crack just as it closed. I screamed out in horror and remorse as I dug at the dirt in vain. I knew I should have just stayed in the car until he had woken up. Now I was reaping the consequences. I just had the boy I love taken into the Underworld, who was probably going to be used as an appetizer! I had to find a way to get down there. Not that I wanted to, but I wasn't going to leave TJ down there on his own.

I shed the leather jacket and tossed it in my car. For the first time in about nine years, I unveiled my wings. They were long and dragged on the ground because I was sitting. The feathers alternated white, dark blue, and grey. I stood and spread them as I slightly bent my knees. I felt inexperienced with this, and highly unprepared for what's to come. I beat my wings and I was lifted into the air. I flew higher and higher, eventually to the point where anything below me looked like ants. The air flowing through the plumage felt comforting and prevented me from hyperventilating from the previous event. I had not gone to the Heavens in years, but I knew exactly where it was, hidden among the clouds. I flew just a hundred feet higher, and I was presented with gold and white buildings, angels galore, and no shadows.

I thought she used her wings occasionally? Try rarely. And how could airplanes or space shuttles not crash into Heaven, and how can satellites not detect Heaven? What allows Heaven to float or whatever? What is it made of? No shadows? Then how do they know night or sleep?

I landed lightly on the clouds in which everything rested on. I barely remembered where the building Nathaniel and the rest of the Arch-Angels resided, but it was enough to get me there. I pushed open the large, golden doors and stepped inside.

What are these clouds made of? What makes them different from real clouds, since those are cold and wet? What does the building look like?

They were obviously in the middle of an important meeting because everyone was silent and glaring at me as I walked in. There were only about seven of them. Each had different colored eyes, wings, hair, and even the glowing swords at their sides. My gaze caught Nathaniel's, and he looked pissed.

He stormed over to me and grasped my arm, dragging me farther away from the other angels. “Are you mad?” He growled.

“Pardon me, Mister Important, if I didn't know what the hell was going on in here.” I smirked to myself, knowing he and the other seraphs would be insanely angry at me for the use of the “foul language.”

“What do you want, Fiera? I have things to attend to.”

“Maybe you should be concentrating on the fact that Lucifer just appeared on my doorstep!” I shouted.

Everyone looked at me with wide eyes of shock. Any sign of anger had faded from their expressions. Nathaniel was looking at me with a gaping mouth. He had obviously never heard of the Devil appearing before an angel.

Lucifer, the Devil, and Satan are different. (Sorry, I know a lot about religion, and I can't stand it when Lucifer and the Devil and Satan are considered the same person.)

“I bet that is more important than this meeting,” I snarled.

“How long ago?” Nate gasped.

“Not even ten minutes ago,” I explained.

“Well what did he want?”

“I'm not sure. But I do know he wants to hurt me. He took...” I trailed off, regretting the fact that I started that sentence.

How did Lucifer want to hurt her?

“Took?” Nate raised an eyebrow.

I sighed heavily before replying. “He took TJ.”

“You're honestly worried about that human! Do you not realize how asinine you sound right now?”

“I do not obey the laws of the angels, Nathaniel! They mean nothing to me!” I hissed.

One of the male angels walked up to us. He looked at me with sympathy. “Nathaniel, don't be so harsh on her. You know the feeling of losing a loved one to that monstrosity of a being.”

“Hush, Ryker. This is not your conversation,” Nate snapped.

“It is everyone's conversation if it involves Lucifer. You of all people should know that,” another spoke in defense.

I crossed my arms over my chest with the hint of a smile on my face. “I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm facing this head on. I'm going down there.”

“You will not!” Nate retaliated.

“Watch me.” I glared at him as I walked away. I left the meeting room and headed towards the library. There had to be a book about an angel going to the Underworld somewhere, right?

As I ventured on the clouds, the angels looked at me as if I was unwelcome. I sneered at them and barged into the edifice. I was surprised Nate hadn't followed me; but if he tried to, I assumed one of the Arch-Angels stopped him. Perhaps I wasn't completely mad after all. I headed to the lower storage unit of the older, unused books. If there was anything, it would be down there. I skimmed through the titles of the dusty books, looking for something relative to what I wanted. To my surprise, I did find a book all on how to get down to the Underworld.

I skimmed through the contents and finally found a page with specific instructions.

What does the book look like? What is the atmosphere of the library? Was she the only one there?

To find your way to the Underworld, you must commit these very dangerous and unforgivable tasks in order
Kill the main Arch-Angel and collect his or her blood. (This will open the gates)
Make a demon your friend. This is crucial as it will lead you to the Dipylon.
Spill your own blood and paint it on the walls of your home.
Steal and Burn a baby alive. (This will show your cruelty and loyalty to Lucifer and the demons.)
Disgrace God by destroying a church or statue. [This will anger him enough to let you inside the Underworld even though he knows what your task is. He will think you belong there for some time to learn your lesson.)

Kill the main Arch-Angel. Wonder how's she's going to do that. Couldn't she just ask him for his blood?
Let's see her try.
An angel and cat hybrid better have more blood than the average human.
That's gross. How could someone kill a child?
No, the worst way to disgrace God is not by destroying a church or statue, but by denying his grace. Couldn't she just make God angry and go into the Underworld like that? Also, there must be free will, because if he knows what she's doing next, then he's like a dictator, and he must be cruel to think that a mere child would deserve to go there because she tried to save her boyfriend. This God must either be merciful in a really sick and twisted way or be absolutely cruel. He's too human too. Anger is a human emotion.

I was surprised at myself. I could actually read the language I had never learned before. I closed the book and took a deep breath; seemed simple enough, though the steps were horrifying. I thought about Nate and how I would get to him. I left the book on a table and went upstairs to the main part of the building. I was shocked to see Ryker standing there, waiting.

Great. Another set of skills, and no end to that list.

“Fiera,” he sighed.

“Ryker. What are you doing here?” I asked curiously.

“I'm sorry for the way Nathaniel is acting to you. He has no right,” Ryker explained.

“You shouldn't apologize for him. It's not your job to.” I smiled at him. “Would you happen to know where he is at this time?”

“He is in his office.”

“Thanks.” I lightly brushed past him and headed out.

“Oh and Fiera,” Ryker called after me.

“Yes?” I turned to face him again.

“It's good to have you back, even if it is momentarily.” He smiled warmly at me.

I faked a sincere smile at him then left. I felt bad for him. He wasn't going to see me again after today. No one of the Heavens was. I walked around,finding the building in which Nathaniel spent most of his time in. I pushed through the blinding doors.

Nate looked up from a shitload of papers on his desk. “Fiera. What are you doing here?”

Papers? That's strange. Why does he have them?

I put my hands behind my back casually, but I could feel a long dagger forming. I walked closer to the desk. “Ryker came and talked to me while I was at the library.”

Oh? And how did she obtain that dagger? Try dividing by zero in her head or some magic gene or something. Sorry, I'm curious.

“Did he now?” He returned his gaze to the papers and began writing things on them.

Like numbers or words?

I thought quickly. “He told me something rather odd.”

“And that would be?”

“The reason you don't want to see me go to the Underworld is because you love me, and you don't want to see me hurt,” I lied quietly.

Nate's head jerked up in surprise, but his expression was filling with rage “He did what?” He stood from his escritoire.

“So it's true then?” I raised an eyebrow as I pried.

Pried?

He looked away from me with his face turning the shade of a tomato. “You were never to know.”

Try something else that's red. Don't use blood, because I'm guessing there will be more bloody affairs to come and it's what actually makes his face turn red. Obviously.

I hid the blade in my back pocket and slid my shirt over it. I walked over to him so that we were less than an arm's length away from each other.

“Why?” I wondered sincerely, lightly pulling his head to face me.

“Because,” Nate sighed heavily, “You were with TJ, happy with him. I didn't want to ruin that for you.”

“Nathaniel,” I cooed, “If I would have known, I would have left him.” I trailed my hand lightly down one of his arms with mock caring in my eyes. I saw the hairs on his arms stand on end.

Nate tried to hide a shiver. “You would?”

I smiled at him. “Does it look like I'm lying?”

He shook his head. “So does that mean you're abandoning your mission of saving that boy?”

“Of course it does.” I leaned in close to him, and with my gut screaming in protest, kissed him. On the inside, I was gagging, but of course, he didn't know that. I drew the blade from my pocket and pulled away. Nate looked at me confused, then I plunged the dagger into his back, pressing it deep enough to collide with his heart.

“Fiera! Why?” He gasped as he fell to the office's floor, blood already dripping onto the blinding white.

“I will never leave TJ,” I snarled. I jerked the knife from his back and glided it across his throat, silencing him, to my relief (and possibly others'), forever.

Oh, I was kind of hoping that Nathaniel was really hot and he would win over that douchebag named TJ, but that's just my opinion. Also Fiera is a fricking sociopath! How the hell can she just kill someone that liked her without any sort of empathy for him?

Blood began to form puddles in the room. I formed a medium sized vial out of nothing, and let some of the angel's blood flow into it. I sealed it off with a breath and made it vanish. Step one; complete. I left the body to rot and I left the building nonchalantly. I fell through the clouds and dived down to the earth, landing lightly in front of my house.

Out of nothing? What is nothing? Surely it must be something to be made out of nothing? Sealed it off with a breath? Huh? Left the body to rot.... How cruel... He sent aid to her boyfriend and Fiera kills him... Fell through the clouds... When she walked on them...

I stepped into my car, and shut the door. I snatched up TJ's jacket and held it close. I choked on tears and buried my nose in the leather. It still smelled of him, strongly. It was comforting in my situation. My phone buzzed in my pocket. It was from Lily, a friend from school, who, of course, knew my secret. She was really like a sister to me. Always there when I needed her.

What does he smell like? Old Spice? Comforting? I do hope that it comforts her from thoughts of going to jail. Not.

principal wnts 2 c you 2mrrw

I replied: y

idk. Sd smethn bt ur behavr & apprnces.

Ok

Does Lily have an iPhone? The first letter will always be capitalized.

I slid my phone back into my pocket after looking at the time. It was nearly eight at night. Had the day really go by so fast? I slid on TJ's jacket and started my car. I didn't know where I was going, but I couldn't be here terribly long with the tragic memories.

Where are the people watching out for her? She's still a minor if she's still in high school while eighteen. Tragic memories? I bet my life that she has no morals and those memories of killing Nathaniel will never haunt her.

I nearly died reviewing this. Please, cut this up into parts. Make chapters 1 and 2 just one chapter and the third one the second chapter.

About the Characters:

Please improve their personalities. You've written sociopathic personalities for TJ and Fiera, unless that was your intention. Or Mary Sue and Gary Stu. Give them something more than love. Give them kindness, intelligence, creativity...etc. and make them more human. It will be strange for Fiera, but she lives with humans, so she should act mostly like them.

Nathaniel:
Nathaniel's death was too quick. Arch-Angels should be much, much harder to kill.

Lily: Will she play a big role in the story, seeing that she's the main character's best friend, or will she be a minor character?

Lucifer: He's really ugly, from your description. His name was attributed to the Devil to make them the same, but from his name "Light Bearer" or "Morning Star" (depending on the Hebrew or Latin translation) I think he should be quite beautiful. His name is ascribed towards a king, but he wasn't angel, originally. He is now, because of the Latin scholars, who added the angel to the Bible.

Plot:

Everything moves very fast, almost too fast, and the story will falter if you don't slow it down.

Grammar: It was mostly good, but I didn't look too carefully for that.

Writing Style:

There are too many short sentences, so why don't you try some longer ones? The word "said" needs to be used more than other alternatives to it. First-person-pov seems lacking in detail. Would it be better if you tried third-person?

I probably have some grammar and spelling mistakes in my review. Please disregard them.

If this was too harsh, again I apologize. I just want to see this improve, and I hope that you improve as you keep writing. Bon chance!