Published December 3, 2013
Wish upon a shooting star,
Do you know what I see?
A lit up Christmas tree,
And two children smiling up at me.
The smell of cinnamon and apple,
The sound of laughter in the air.
I've prayed for this day for so long,
Maybe life can be fair.
A perfect moment on a blissful day,
I couldn't imagine it any better,
Until I see you looking my way;
That sparkle in your eye,
The charm in your smile;
It makes my heart fly,
My life finally worthwhile.
The giggle of the little girl,
Her hair tied up in braids,
Showing off her new dress,
Moving in a twirl.
The cheering of our son,
Spitting image of you,
As he opens up a box to a whole new world of fun.
You wrap your arms around me,
Holding me close and dear,
Tickling me gently, widening my grin,
You've shown me that there is nothing to fear.
Wish upon a shooting star,
That is what I see.
Not a big house, or a fancy car,
But a happy family.
You and Me.
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Canary word: Present
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129,911 Literary Works • 671,510 Reviews
Awwww! Now I want to go cry, it's so happy. It's Yubbies here to give a review!
The rhyme scheme, while it is choppy in some places, is cute and gives a perfect light to this poem. If I were you, I would go over the poem and stream-line it, take out word that sound choppy or don't quite fit and give them a replacement word. This would make the poem flow better in several portions.
While "Wish upon a shooting star," is nothing original, it does lend a certain feeling to the poem. It brought back memories of happy times, late at night on a blanket with my friends under a canopy of stars, eating a dozen jumbo freezies each. I'm sure all of us have wished upon a shooting star at some point, at least, I certainly have. It definitely fits in and I think that part is perfect the way you have it written there.
This was, a really cute poem. I'm sure your husband will adore you for it! Good Luck!
You really are a good writer. This is an excellent poem, better than many I've read in a long time. Thank-you!
Happy World Cup and New Years!
yubbies21
This really made me feel a various amount of emotions. This was a very nice read. You can really feel your emotions in your words. I honestly have no complaints for this. This poem made me smile and I genuinely believe you are a good poet. This poem gives such a warm homey feeling and it really just made me smile. Keep writing! Would love to read more from you!
-Your reviewing friend
Awwwww, this is just too cute
. It really holds a lot of wonderful emotions, and I can almost FEEL how much love you put into this. Are you giving this to your husband for Christmas? If so, I don't doubt he'll love it. It's very sweet.
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I like the rhyme scheme, but there are places where it seems a little choppy. You might want to try and smooth it out a little (I'd make some suggestions to help, but I'm not much of a poem person). Still, even left as it is, it's still pretty well done.
The phrase "Wish upon a shooting star" is kind of cheesy, which takes away from the overall meaning of the poem and clashes with your original, heartfelt lines. Still, it fits well, so I wouldn't suggest changing it unless you come up with something better.
My favorite part by far was...
"The smell of cinnamon and apple,
The sound of laughter in the air.
I've prayed for this day for so long,
Maybe life can be fair."
Overall, this was a really great poem, and I'm sure your husband will love it
Hope I helped!!! Keep writing!!!