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Cyber: chapter one

by Zanderills


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

The cyber core, the power that was passed down to me from my dad. It ran deep into my veins, pouring through my blood transferring the energy throughout my body. I didn't ask for this life, I didn't ask to made to search, to wander, but I knew I didn't have a choice.

He was lost, lost to time and space, beyond this world, trapped by his own cyber energy. My mom had vanished sixteen years ago, the day after I was born. The choice was, find my dad, travel the universe and dimensions, or be an orphan girl, and I could not deal with that pressure and pain, not while he was still alive.

The energy coursed through me, my eyes glowing a feint blue as my fingers bristled with energy.

" Let me pass, or suffer the consequences." I spat out, readying my body for an attack, as the core deep inside me echoed a low noise, answering my call for power. The core was alive, unlike any other power in the universe.

"You think you can come in here, and just demand use of my ship? You a child." The creature responded, standing up and reaching his hand down to grab twin blades.

Out of the corner of my eye, a mirror caught me, and the image of who I now was sent me into my memories.

***

"Lillia, are you ready?" My dad asked, looking down at me with his kind smile. This was the day that he vanished, the day that he told me he had to go away for awhile.

He had promised me, he told me he would see me again. At the time I was certain he meant right after I got back from school, but that wasn't the case.

He never came home, all that returned was a feint message for help from his cyber core. I could sense it in my veins when I got home.

The memories grew black as I felt a heavy strike to the side of my head. My body hit the ground and all was black.

***

"Wake up prisoner." A gruff voice spat out, as the world came slowly into focus around me.

My hands were in chains, and there were others beside me. Each had a uniform and a number, marked for a different prison sector.

Blood stained my head as I looked up at my jailer. A male, about thirty four. He was Octurion, a human like species covered in green scales.

"So, you tried to steel a ship from the Degi Arctus. These are some high charges, but the fact is the security film has it all. Your gonna spend a long time in Carsion 8. No bail, no release date. What is your name and age so I can forge your chains."

I knew there was no point to resist, and infact Carsion 8 was closer to my possible destination then I was now.

"Lillia Cryo Rillis, age sixteen."

The guard wrote down the information, then spoke.

"Green hair, silver eyes. Four foot two. Large scar above the left eye...."

He continued to jot down my information as I lost interest. Another prisoner caught my attention. Female, almost human. All I could see for a name was 182, her ID number. This didn't matter to me, what mattered was her stamp, she was going to same sector as I was. This could mean possible allie.

"Listen up you lot, " came a new voice, the voice of the man in charge. " You will all be out into a cryogenic sleep, when you awake, you will assume your new life's as prisoners. Once in your sector's, no one gives a fuck about you because you will never see freedom again."

He turned and left, as I was pushed into a standing pod. A light flashed and the world went dark once again.


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1098 Reviews


Points: 127612
Reviews: 1098

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Fri Jan 01, 2021 4:55 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was a pretty good first chapter. Its a little on the shorter side in terms of things going on but that's never a problem and I think you've done a wonderful job here. Its got most of the things that you would want to see in a first chapter and it barely has any issues.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The cyber core, the power that was passed down to me from my dad. It ran deep into my veins, pouring through my blood transferring the energy throughout my body. I didn't ask for this life, I didn't ask to made to search, to wander, but I knew I didn't have a choice.


Well that is an interesting way to start. Definitely grabs the attention of the reader so that's good to see in a chapter one and I think its telling us perhaps just enough to not be extra vague but not overwhelming us with information so its a pretty good opening paragraph.

He was lost, lost to time and space, beyond this world, trapped by his own cyber energy. My mom had vanished sixteen years ago, the day after I was born. The choice was, find my dad, travel the universe and dimensions, or be an orphan girl, and I could not deal with that pressure and pain, not while he was still alive.


Well, establishing the motive for this protagonist right away, that's also a really good idea. Letting us know what is going to be driving this plot forward.

" Let me pass, or suffer the consequences." I spat out, readying my body for an attack, as the core deep inside me echoed a low noise, answering my call for power. The core was alive, unlike any other power in the universe.


Oooh well we are starting off with quite a bang here.

"You think you can come in here, and just demand use of my ship? You a child." The creature responded, standing up and reaching his hand down to grab twin blades.

Out of the corner of my eye, a mirror caught me, and the image of who I now was sent me into my memories.


Oooh well that is an interesting point to transition off but I love the suspense that is being built up here from this. Well let's see what comes next.

"Lillia, are you ready?" My dad asked, looking down at me with his kind smile. This was the day that he vanished, the day that he told me he had to go away for awhile.


Oooh, well not an unwelcome flashback exactly but not exactly going with the flow either. But I suppose this is important for us to know so let's see if that's the case.

He never came home, all that returned was a feint message for help from his cyber core. I could sense it in my veins when I got home.

The memories grew black as I felt a heavy strike to the side of my head. My body hit the ground and all was black.


See this is exactly why you don't drift into memory land when someone threatens you, well I would say not a great plan to interrupt the fight part with the memory but the fact that she did in fact get knocked out because of it is very realistic and I like that.

"Wake up prisoner." A gruff voice spat out, as the world came slowly into focus around me.

My hands were in chains, and there were others beside me. Each had a uniform and a number, marked for a different prison sector.


Well it appears that fight led to quite some stuff for our protagonist, also refreshing to see at the start of a novel, actions actually having proper consequences.

"So, you tried to steel a ship from the Degi Arctus. These are some high charges, but the fact is the security film has it all. Your gonna spend a long time in Carsion 8. No bail, no release date. What is your name and age so I can forge your chains."


Well that sounds awfully official, I like it. Its got enough sci fi jargon and technical prison related words to make it seem quite realistic.

I knew there was no point to resist, and infact Carsion 8 was closer to my possible destination then I was now.


Well isn't that a wonderful coincidence?

"Lillia Cryo Rillis, age sixteen."

The guard wrote down the information, then spoke.

"Green hair, silver eyes. Four foot two. Large scar above the left eye...."


Well that is a very clever way of describing to us when this is first person. I like that, its a lot more original than the classic mirror or something along those lines.

He continued to jot down my information as I lost interest. Another prisoner caught my attention. Female, almost human. All I could see for a name was 182, her ID number. This didn't matter to me, what mattered was her stamp, she was going to same sector as I was. This could mean possible allie.


Well that's a smart move there. At least I think so, not like I know too much about prison.

"Listen up you lot, " came a new voice, the voice of the man in charge. " You will all be out into a cryogenic sleep, when you awake, you will assume your new life's as prisoners. Once in your sector's, no one gives a fuck about you because you will never see freedom again."


Well someone is being very serious.

He turned and left, as I was pushed into a standing pod. A light flashed and the world went dark once again.


Great place to end it. Leaves us wanting to know what's about to happen next and hooks us in. So great job with that too.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think save for a couple of spelling mistakes and that one weird transition I think this a great start to a novel and I would read more of this if you do post it.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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82 Reviews


Points: 4465
Reviews: 82

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Sat Oct 31, 2020 7:01 pm
Yoshikrab wrote a review...



Hi! I'll give you a review!

Minor Issues


The cyber core, the power that was passed down to me from my dad. It ran deep into my veins, pouring through my blood transferring the energy throughout my body. I didn't ask for this life, I didn't ask to made to search, to wander, but I knew I didn't have a choice.


The first sentence is a sentence fragment. See if you can connect or add on to it somehow.

The second sentence needs a comma after "blood".

The third sentence should have a semicolon: "I didn't ask for this life; I didn't ask to made to search, to wander, but I knew I didn't have a choice."

Also, I don't understand the second phrase in the third sentence. "I didn't ask to made to search."

It might be a typo or mistake, but see if you can edit it.

This was my minor changes for the first paragraph. I suggest you to proofread the rest of your piece. I don't believe many would like to review this many minor, minor, minor issues. :D

There were a few things that stood out to me.

"So, you tried to steel a ship from the Degi Arctus. These are some high charges, but the fact is the security film has it all. Your gonna spend a long time in Carsion 8. No bail, no release date. What is your name and age so I can forge your chains."


Steel should be Steal.

I knew there was no point to resist, and infact Carsion 8 was closer to my possible destination then I was now.


This should be changed to: "I knew there was no point to resist; in fact, Carsion 8 was closer to my possible destination than I was at that time."

Again, you should probably proofread.

Major Issues


There are many cases where your past tense/present tense is confusing. You repeatedly switch between the two tenses, so that should be a change.

There is nothing else, really. You have a very interesting plot line and story, and I'm interested to see what else you will write.

Hope you are satisfied with this review!

-Yoshi





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