Published February 27, 2009
deleted.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,690 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
Nice poem you have here! It was rocky it places, but I've seen much worse.
Sorry, but I must agree with both of them up there. For one, there's a lot of unneeded stuff in here. And two, the crack part does sound silly and I don't think those are for poetry. I would use those in a story, but not a poem, if at all.
I very much agree again, the imagery was great! I almost felt like I was there. Almost. But, emotion was missing, making the connection between the writer-reader not as strong.
Also, please learn to use punctuation. I know, it's a shock to ask a silly question, but not once at the end of the lines or stanzas were any punctuation. So remember that punctuation is your friend.
The flow was good, it could be improved.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I still like this piece.
PM for reviews, questions, help, etc.
-Ryan
First, this is solely my opinion so do what you will with it:
The crack crack crack part just made this line sound a little silly to me maybe you revise it and describe the sound of thunder in a different way.
I agree with Jemima in the fact that this poem was a little longer than it needed to be, but with all the details there was great imagery. I imagine every line in my head, but I feel like some emotion was missing. The last line mentions joy and I think adding what the crew members were feeling in the midst of the storm would improve this poem.
this is going to sound really bad coming from me because what do I know? but I think you could improve it by sitting down with a pen and paper and reading it through and crossing out bits that aren't needed, so that you end up with a very condensed version. Every word should be important
now that sounded big headed and horrible so i'm sorry!