My heartbeat is slowly fading as the plague consumes me.
My mind races to think the thoughts i haven't.
My mouth works to find my final words.
I don't want to leave this way.
If only i could control it.
But this plague controls me.
I won't let it.
I will fight.
I must.
Live.
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137,433 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hey there.
Okay so, the first thing I noticed were the punctuation errors. Secondly, it was short but meaningful, good job on that. And again, I would've loved it if you would've extended it a bit, like add something more.
This kinda seemed like drone. Like, it just went on and bam! it's done. I couldn't connect so well, just make your readers connect a bit, maybe? Get them engrossed.
See what I mean?
Keep writing and stay blessed.
xoxo
I like this poem but I think that it is missing the pain and emotion that you will actually have when you're dying. Keep up the good work though, and you will find as you write more the better they will get. (p.s. you forgot to capitalize the "i" in the second line).
Great job on the poem. I encourage you to write more poems. I like the story to it. I also like the moral (if that is what you call it) that death is inescapable. The only thing I would change to it is changing the i to capital I. Punctuation is very, very important. Other than that, the poem was great.
Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01
Seeing that you're new, I just want to say welcome to YWS!! I hope you like it here!
I like the darkness in the first part of this poem. Not only because death is a dark subject, but because you weren't cliche in your writing. Most writers (in my experience) only write about the death itself, and sometimes, what comes after death.
You seem to have written more about your character's will and desire to live, and what they would wish to leave behind if they did die.
As such, I don't really find this poem depressing. There are a few dark verses, but, to me, the ending is more hopeful than despairing. Nice job!
I like the way you formatted your poem, even if the one verse in the middle is longer than the one before it.
I have been warned about focusing too much on the format of the poem instead of the language. If that happens, the format begins to control the language, and the poem usually doesn't express what you wanted it to say in the first place.
However, as far as I can tell, your poem doesn't seem to have been affected by the format, so good job!
I noticed that some of your "I's" are lowercase (i), and some are uppercase (I). You may want to stick with one case, to make it more consistent.
When you use the word "plague", are you using it as another word for death? Or is your character literally dying of some sort of sickness?
If it's not a sickness, I would suggest using a different word (such as end, darkness, etc.) just so that your reader won't be confused.
I'm not sure how this can be fixed, but it seems like the mood change is a bit too sudden. Perhaps you could find a good connecting sentence? Something like this: "My eyes threaten to close/But I force them open." You need a sentence that somewhat subtly begins to show your character's will to fight back.
That's all for now, folks!
As short and seemingly simple as it is, your poem was deep, and it connected me (the reader) to your character. I could understand them. I think you did a great job on this!
Just remember to think more about your words than your format.
Let the ideas in your poem flow, so that there won't be sudden changes.
Let your thoughts flood onto the page. Then you can edit it and format it.
Once again good job on the poem, and keep writing more! I hope this review helped you!
Cheers!
Short, simple, yet deep. Good job!
This is simply powerful, it flows well, and isn't too long.
I enjoyed the style, ten, nine, eight, etc. I have not seen it before, and it was refreshing.
I feel it could have been more powerful, though it was pretty powerful as it dwindled to a stop in the end, so It's forgivable, by far. Not a poem that will stay with me, but one I'm glad I read.
Keep writing!
~Authorian
This is very deep, I love it. It describes how a person actually feels.
I think this is too depressing. You need to make it not so sad and cruel. Also there are some thing you can fix and make better. First the picture or the lines you need to switch line numbers 5 & 6. Also need to make more complete sentences. The last four sentences need to be sentences not single words. Also do not make the lines like that. That is all I have to say. Happy writing!