“Hey mister boss guy, I got your painting.” Said Ali.
“Good. Give it to me.” Replied the man.
“Here you go.” Said Ali and he gave the painting to the man “Now give me the money you promised me.”
The man took out a briefcase and opened it up. It was filled with money.
“90 Million Dollars, just as I promised.” Said the man.
“That concludes my affiliation with you.” Said Ali as he closed the briefcase and picked it up.
“Hold up.” Said the Man, “I have another job for you.”
“You know the fees for my services.” Said Ali.
“If everything goes well you could get this much money.” Said the man, holding a calculator.
Ali looked at the calculator and widened his eyes.
“Will you take the job?” Said the man.
“Hell Yeah!” Said Ali, stuttering.
“Good. Go to the 5th Mansion of Adam’s Street. Then steal the money that’s in that home.” Said the man.
“That’s where Kurohitsugi the Untouchable Mercenary is rumored to live!” Said Ali.
“Take the money and keep it. It’s revenge for interfering with 43rd Avenue’s New Yakuza.” Said the man.
“I want to at least know your name before doing a job like this.” Said Ali.
“I am Mamoru Nakazaki. Former Kumicho of the Nakazaki-Gumi, current Oyabun of the New Yakuza.” Said the man.
That night Ali drove his Ford Thunderbird through Adam’s street. He stopped at the 5th Mansion, his nerves twitched at the thought of what he was trying to do. And if he screwed up at any time, it was the end of his life. Ali begged to god that Kurohitsugi wasn't home as he got out of his car. He walked up the driveway and jumped onto the roof of the Garage. Then he opened a window on the second floor. How stupid, the mercenary hadn’t locked it. He then walked inside.
Ali looked around, no one was home. He slowly made his way through the room towards the door, the door creaked as Ali opened it. Ali made his way through the hallway to a open door. He peered into the room and saw nobody inside, and much to Ali's surprise, a safe. He made his way to the safe and began patting it. The safe was of relatively old design, but still hard to crack, or at least that's what the police said. Ali put his ear against the safe and began turning the dial, he heard 3 clicks and saw the safe open.
"Jackpot!" thought Ali and peered into the safe. Inside there were bundles of One-Hundred dollar bills. Ali shoved as much as he could and started moving towards the exit. All he had to do was make it out and it would be a succesful robbery. Ali grinned as he reached the window he had entered. But froze when he entered the room, there was a gun pointed at his face.
“Hello Ali. Working for the New Yakuza?” Said a voice, when Ali looked at the man holding the gun it was the mercenary from the museum.
“This was going to be my last job for them.” Said Ali, "Kurohitsugi."
“It still can be.” Said Kurohitsugi, “Listen up. I want the job I had at the Museum to be my last job as a mercenary. And I want to be a thief.”
“You want to work with me.” Said Ali.
“Yes, I’ll use me being a Mercenary as a cover and gain Intel for you.” Replied Kurohitsugi, “Let me help you deal with the New Yakuza too.”
“I’ve always wanted a friend to help me.” Said Ali, “But how do I know I can trust you?”
“With a gun pointed at your face do you really have an option?” Replied Kurohitsugi.
“Fine” Said Ali, “I’ll let you work with me.”
“First things first” Said Kurohitsugi, “We need to deal with the New Yakuza.”
“Leave that to me.” Said Ali, "Here's the plan."
Ali got into his Ford Thunderbird but stopped Kurohitsugi right when he was about to get in. "Remember the plan." Said Ali, Kurohitsugi nodded and got into the trunk. Ali started driving the car and again stopped near a building on the edge of a alleyway, the same guards with the same tattoo's stood at the entrance. Ali made sure the guards weren't looking before letting Kurohitsugi out.
"You sure you can get to that window cleaning platform without being noticed?" Asked Ali.
"If you can't sneak around you won't be as good of a mercenary as me." Replied Kurohitsugi as he disappeared into the darkness. Ali hoped Kurohitsugi was right and walked up to the door and entered. He walked up the same series of stairs and stopped for a moment at the door. Ali hoped that Kurohitsugi was in his position, otherwise this plan would fail without a doubt. He held his breath as he opened the door.
The second chapter to the first book of my series Ali, the Master Thief. Not as exciting as the first chapter but please bear with me. Please read, review and enjoy!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Spoiler
Just like what wickedwonder said, you put too much... said. The thesaurus is your friend, don't be afraid to use it. The other one that wickedwonder mention is that you... put too much description instead of details. Details is always better than description.
There's also that problem with your punctuation again, here's a bit of knowledge:
When you put ! and ?, you don't capitalize the letter after it.
Ex. "Hey guys!" he shouted in excitement.
All in all, I'm going to get myself a sandwich cause I'm hungry... wait... I mean I'll be waiting for the next chapter :]
Make me flabbergast on the next one
Alright, so, that was very 'do-this-do-that'. You just basically told the reader everything your characters did, which I didn't like. Add more detail then description, sort of like painting a picture with words. Leave the reader to come to their own conclusions.
Other then that, It was alright.
Keep working
~WickedWonder