29th of May,
On that day, something unexpected happened and I never knew that I would feel so broken because of it. But what's worse, is that I hurt him. I wanted to help, but I ended up hurting him instead. Back then, we danced, glided side to side, laughed and enjoyed the time, not minding what was around us.
As always, it was a hot and boring summer. I didn't have anything to do, so I decided to sleep in. Then my phone started to ring. At first I didn't mind it but then I got annoyed. I picked it up and read the text message. 'Wake up and go down' was the text that was sent. "annoying" I said while putting my specs on. It was my classmates number. I pressed the call button and called him. I greeted him good morning and he replied and said to me to go down. I did as I was told and got up then changed clothes. I wore a simple, white shirt and leggings. I wore my shoes on and heading outside.
As soon as I was out, my classmates was there. Then I asked him, "whats up?". As soon as I asked that, I looked around and to my surprise, he was there. At that split second I was lost for word.. "Hey!" was all I could say. I saw him. After a few week of not seeing him and that's all I could say.
He hugged me and I hugged him back. 'I missed this' was what I thought. His scent, his warmth, his presence. He was here. I finally got to see him again. The person I've longed to see. The three of us talked of what we did the past weeks. "Do you wanna go to my house?" he asked us. "Sorry, but I have to go to my friends house." is what my classmate said. "Cant you just go with us?, Please?" I pleaded. "Nope. I promised that I would." he said while smiling.
Before I knew it, my classmate and I separated ways while he and I headed to his home. While we walked, we talked and laughed along the way. It was hot but since he was holding an umbrella, it was pretty much okay. As soon as we reached his house, we headed inside and ordered food. "I want Mcdo. Is that okay?" I asked. "Sure go ahead." I dialed the number, ordered food for me, him and his sisters and ended the call.
While we wait, we went up to his room. His room was unexpectedly small and a bit messy. I didn't mind. I sat on his futon and asked, "Where's your parents?". "They're at work" he replied. "Ah, Okay.". I stood up and wondered about to the second room. I asked whose room it belonged to and he said that it was his sisters. The room was the same as his. The only difference is that it didn't have a bed and that there was a Keyboard.
I turned it on and played my favorite song. Then I heard loud but small foot steps climbing up the stairs. "Brother!". It was his little sister. At that time, I was curious and kept on laughing. "She keeps following us." I said, almost laughing. "She's like that when there's guest." he said grumpily.
Later on, our food arrived. We received it and ate. As soon as we finished, we went up and talked in his room. Each time we talked, my heart skipped a beat. I built up all my courage and lied on his back. 'Weird' i thought. Normal boys would make a fuss if someone did this but he didn't. He didn't mind and just kept talking. After a few minutes, I stood up and went out of the room. I saw another staircase leading up to another floor. "Whats up there?" I wondered. "Its the attic." he said while resting his chin on my shoulder. "Can we go up?. I wanna see whats up there". "Okay". We headed up the staircase.
The attic was spacious but contained several boxes and extra things. There were two windows, one in the left and one at the right. There was enough sunlight to at least light the dusty and slightly dim attic. For some reason, it felt...nostalgic. I knew that I've never been there before but I felt so at ease being there. Being with him.
I turned around to face him, then he said, "Ill be right back" and headed down stairs. I stared out the window, thinking about various things. Then i noticed that he was taking a while to get back. After admiring the view from the window, I turned around. "Wahh!". He was right behind me and I didn't even notice at all!. "How long have you been...?" I asked while laughing."Not long" Then he suddenly said. " I really wanted to dance with you last High School Night," he said while smiling.
"Remember you didn't accept?"
"Ya sorry 'bout that but.."
"Well, I saw someone talk to you then you suddenly looked at me that time and I thought that he told you to dance with me since I was the only one who wasnt dancing..." I said embarrassingly.
"No." he said. "I really wanted to dance with you."
"I'm sorry." I said with a down voice.
"Okay" replied. He went down and I stared out the window once more. Then I noticed, a song was playing. Then it struck me. It was the same song that played last high school night. It was the song that was playing when he asked me to dance with him."Something to make up for last time" he said while taking my hands and holding me in a waltz position.
At that moment, all I could do is laugh and smile. But as we danced, glide and laughed, part of me started to stare of to space and I started to loose my senses. He was pulling me into his world. This is wrong. I kept telling my self. There was only one reason why I went here and that's to help him heal. He had just ended his relationship with the person whom he still loves and I am just there, as a friend, to give a helping hand and yet here I am in my fantasies wishing that this dance will never end.
Little by little, I started to divert my gaze from him and turned my face to another direction. "Why?" he said curiously. "Nothing" was all i could say with my nervous voice. "Why?" he kept asking. "You know why..." I said while staring down the floor. He placed his thumb under my chin and pushed it upwards so that my face will face his. At that moment, I lost everything. Sight, hear, and smell. All that was in my head was him. Even though I went through a lot and though that I had forgotten about him. In the end I haven't. I still love him but knowing that his feelings weren't mutual to mine, I kept it hidden.
Although it hurts being around him like that, I was still happy because I told myself that as long as i can be around him, whether i was a friend or a lover, I would always be happy. Knowing that he's there by my side or I was beside his was enough since I knew that he will never look at me like he saw the others. I was only a friend, a sister that he could never truly love... Just by hearing and looking into his eyes made me think all of this and my beating heart was shattered to pieces.
While we laugh, there were instance where our foreheads would bump into each other and every time that happens, i couldn't help but look into him and wonder why. Why did I love someone like you, whom I knew would never be able to love me?. Then, every so slowly, I noticed that the song was coming to an end, and his forehead was resting on mine. The last thing I heard him say was "Its Okay..". Before I knew, his lips were on mine and I realized that we did something that we weren't supposed to do and yet I didn't stop it.
I stayed still and everything went black. In that moment, time froze, and it was only me and him. When he came to, he pulled away and realized what he did. I didn't know what to do. I left and made an excuse so I wont hear or more like I was scared of knowing why he did it. Little did I know, that everything would change.
I sat in his room telling him that I was okay and tried to convince him that it was nothing, but in the end, I couldn't hide everything. I went to the attic again and tears started to flow out... 'it hurts'..I kept saying to myself. I heard footsteps and cleared my tears away. "You keep disappearing" he said. I stared at him and smiled.As we stood there, we talked, blamed, and inside I'm sure we regretted. All the words that I didn't hear was heard that day.
But the most painful thing in all that happened, is when he said that when he kissed me, he thought that I was her.... The moment he said that, something broke inside of me. Everything that happened, everything that he said were meaningless.. The only thing on my mind is when he told me that he though that I was her.
After our long and tense conversation, we decided to forget everything and just got back to the way we were. When the day ended, I headed home and didn't think about it at all, or so I thought I could. All night, I thought nothing but that and that we couldn't be the same again. I cried myself to sleep and tried to move on and forget, but it seems that even now when I hear the song that played, or the sound of the passing airplanes, I still remember and feel guilty that after what I did I couldn't bring myself to regret, since I knew that I didn't want to forget anything because I loved and cherished every single moment of it.
Whether it was when I saw him again... Or when I spent each time doing nothing but think of him...looking at him, his scent, his presence the kiss... everything, ever since the beginning. For some reason, its just him. But know that nothing can every change nor can it progress any further... We'll always be this, frozen, never moving forward...
I wonder when ill be able to love someone else and love him as much as I loved you?. I wont make any promises to myself or to you, but all I know is that as long as we are still friends and back to normal, I will always be happy. Even though my love for you will always be one sided, I will always be happy and I hope that I can be forgiven someday for breaking my promise and of not forgetting everything that day because I can never forget nor will I ever forget the person I love, or rather the first person I have ever loved so much that seeing or hearing him was enough to make my day.