Published April 27, 2012
Deep inside the darkness crept the fragile little light, pained and deserted. It watched the clear, starry sky, its mouth open wide. Within its thoughts, the desperation of a change lingered brightly, like the little balls of fire in the sky.
But it was burning out, slowly flickering as it mingled with the black behind it. Soon, it would be gone, much like the child light.
When all seemed lost in the brittle land, suddenly appeared a vast explosion of colours, more magnetic that the stars before, and filled with more hope than history had brought.
Danced the little fragile light, its growth more beautiful than once had been. Danced the little light, emerging from the shadows it had once known. Danced the light, smiling happily up.
Forever would it remember this day for this was the day of the change of life. Forever would it remember where it had once been, and always remember what could have been. The darkness had no hold any longer, but it would stalk the child of light again one day. Always would it remember how to fight back an how to stand strong. Never would it ever fall to evil again.
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139,672 Literary Works • 672,647 Reviews
Hey there, YuePantera
In the spirit of Review Day, I am here to review your short story!
Let me start off with staying that as I first started to read this, I was awfully confused at what the point was, as well as what you were trying to say. From what I managed to comprehend from this, though the word choice was impeccable, it was dark out, something about growing older, and I guess something with stars exploding? Not sure.. Feel free to message me and elaborate on what you mean by this very short story.
I hope that this review could help you in some way.
If you ever need me, feel free to drop by either on my wall or inbox me something, and I’d be glad to help you out with anything, or simply just to talk about the revisions I have made.
Yours always,
Euphoria
Hello.
It seems you're attempting to use light as a metaphor for living, possibly being saved from either a tragic illness or suicide, and life exploding after this.
However, you've fallen short by trying to be as vague as possible. There isn't anything for us to latch onto in this piece, which means it's just a bunch of sentences that seem to have a point but don't have anything to gel together.
My suggestion is to expand this and give us something concrete we can slip into. Pegging this into one situation would help the story a lot because you then give readers somebody to hold onto. When we can see the world out of somebody's eyes, the story becomes a lot more powerful because we end up becoming that person.
Hope this helps.
~Rosey
Um, okay. So, I was looking for short stories with interesting names and yours caught my interest.
Unfortunately, I've noticed, eh, a couple of problems.
1. It all runs together. Seriously. I know it's short, but it's supposed to be a short story, even if it is flash fiction, and one paragraph isn't really a short story.
2. Because it all runs together and some of the wording, it makes no sense. I have no idea what this was about, really. It appeared to be from the perspective of light. However, it totally was all Pink Floyd-like and I'm really unsure what exactly went on.
So, yeah. I'm not sure. The grammar seemed sort of okay, if that helps. I just feel like this, perhaps, might've made better poetry? Get rid of useless words and make it free verse? I'm not sure.
Hope this review helps in some way...