Published April 28, 2012
It's hard to understand, to piece together. Inside, there's always two parts of you that fight to control, attacking one another, like siblings that don't get along. It's hard to make sense of these feelings, whatever they may be. Sometimes, the feeling of confusion is addictive, and the great sense of relief and satisfaction once the two parts fit. But for it to go wrong would destroy everything, shattering the self confidence that was building up ever so slowly. Next thing you know, you're at the very bottom of things, and people may think they're helping you when they give advice. It doesn't help. Maybe these feelings are there for a reason. We wouldn't be human if we didn't worry about things. Having the ability to reason and think outside instinct helps to prove who we are. But sometimes it would be so much simpler if no one bothered us with small emotions. I want an answer to the specific questions I ask myself. But of course, it's always so much easier to think of the question than making the answer. And so I will continue will these conflicting emotions and deal with them in a way that I think I should. Advice tells me that people care. It's a tough place to be, but it helps for future confusions. I will continue along this muddy path of mine, taking every misunderstanding as a miracle, and cheer greatly at the end, because I would know I made no short cuts.
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"Inside, there's always two parts of you that fight to control, attacking one another, like siblings that don't get along"
Should be, "attacking each other like siblings that don't get along". No comma in that spot needed.
And remember, don't start sentences with And! (sorry, a year with my english teacher drilling that into our brains....)
Hello.
I agree with Kyll that this piece could use paragraphing and lacks focus. Right now, it really reads like a stream of consciousness that needs to be sorted out and put in order, with a lot more thought given to each idea so we can really grasp it.
This "two sides fight" idea could really benefit being expanded upon, as well as why it's addicting. That idea interests me, but you don't spend that much time on it, which leaves me wanting to stop but the piece ushers me along too quickly, in part because there are no paragraphs and in part because you don't really stop and sit on any ideas.
I've found that the best emotional pieces give time for each idea to unfold completely, without any trace of question left, before moving onto a connected idea that is similarly explored. While it feels very slow to write, it ends up being very rich to read, because readers are actually taken into the emotional state and begin to feel it intimately, think about what's going on and nod along or stay interested because there's something new they hadn't thought of, all because the author dug deep to figure out what the emotions truly felt like in their most intimate states. This is what creates a beautiful piece and really opens up the author's heart.
Don't be afraid of stoping and basically exploring your own thoughts on paper. It can be scary to open up that much, but the result, I've found, is more than worth it.
Exploring each idea in depth would also give some focus to this, because you can see just how much each idea is connected to each other and if it's even possible to make good transitions between topics. If it's not, then I'd suggest exploring the unrelated topic in a new piece, just to keep the current piece clean and focused.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions/comments.
~Rosey
Short as this is, I really, really think this piece would benefit from having paragraphs. It would make reading this much, much easier, and the more immediately accessible your writing, the better.
And this sentence reads like it lost the focus of what it was trying to say by the end of itself. What does "the great sense of relief and satisfaction once the two parts fit" have to do with the feeling of confusion being addictive? Are they addictive as well? If so, you'll need to restructure this sentence so that shared relationship is clearer.
There's also the matter of how you switch from second-person to first-person. The switch would be a perfect place to put a paragraph break, but there are no paragraph breaks to be found, and so the switch reads rather abruptly, and it comes across as rather curious and jarring. It leaves your reader wondering why there's a sudden change in the person used to first-person, just as they'd gotten comfortable with the second-person. Having a paragraph break at the point of transition would help signal to your readers "Okay, here's a transition between ideas! Be ready for it!" And then your readers will, because they're expecting a change, be less confused and more likely to go "I'm sure this change in person will become meaningful/the reason made clear in a moment."
This sentence doesn't make sense. I'm not sure what exactly you were trying to say with this, so I have no suggestions.
Overall, lack of paragraphs aside, this piece felt really unfocused to me. There was a lot of what felt like rambling, and I was left wondering "What is the point?" more often than not. It's not really clear what goal all these sentences are working towards, and this lack of focus makes this piece rather difficult to swallow and appreciated.
What are you trying to convey with this piece? Once you've established that, try to ensure that everything else directly works towards accomplishing that goal. It will really help focus your writing, and make what you have to say much easier for your readers to digest.