I don't know what to do.
I know you've won,
But I can't forget you.
It's forbidden, I know.
Or not forbidden enough
For me to let go.
The thought of it,
It's a heart stopping moment.
A candle dimply lit,
Because you won't watch.
I don't know what you think.
We could be the same.
But your thoughts are lost in the fame
Of a straight line you were on,
And you were scared of the shame
That I wanted real, because I need you.
You don't realise, or maybe you do.
Maybe you choose to let me go too,
Because we don't know what the other one is,
Or what the other wants to do,
And so we both pretend,
Even in front of everyone there,
Of the thoughts and the feelings,
The things we want fair.
But I don't know what you want,
And you don't know what I want too.
If nothing continues, then we'll be stuck on this path,
The one we're glued to.
For years I see, this won't end,
And nothing seems to want to mend,
Because neither of us will take that needed leap,
That may lead us to a greater keep.
And so we are stuck, just like before.
With the score at nil, and the false still sore.
Still deep inside, still deep around.
It's no wonder, now, that neither can be found.
Hello.
I forced myself to read through the whole piece, if only to count the number of rhyming structures you used.
Rhyming poems are the most difficult you can write, because it's very hard to make the rhyming sound natural while keeping any sort of rhythm. It's very easy to call attention to a bad rhyming scheme, and even good rhyming schemes tend to take a tiny bit away from the content, because people automatically focus on the rhyming.
Right now, you switch rhyming schemes constantly. Effective rhyming poetry establishes a pattern for its rhyme scheme, and you have absolutely zero pattern here. I'm going to break down the rhyming pattern at the beginning for you. Each letter is a different sound at the end of a line.
A, B, A, C, D, C, E, E, E, F, G, H, H, I, H.
That's just until "shame". Notice how all over the place the letters are? This means there is no structure what so ever and it looks like you rhymed only when you felt like it. This article explains rhyme a lot more.
Also, you do not need a piece of punctuation after every line. Poetry has almost exactly the same grammar rules as prose, which means a comma after every line is horribly redundant and just messes up flow.
To be honest, I found your content so strangled by your bad structure I barely paid attention to it. You seem to have an interesting idea, but it would be much easier to read in free verse poetry.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions.
~Rosey
Hi, Forsaken here! I realize this is old, but it doesn't have any reviews/comments and I just recently found it. Anywho, this is really good! The only mistake I found in this was in line 9. It says "a candle dimply lit", perhaps you meant dimly. This is an emotional poem (I didn't cry but it is kind of depressing.) I like this and I want to read more of your works if you have any. If you need anything looked at/read/reviews, whatever, just let me know. PM me and I'd be more than happy to take a look at it. Until then, keep up the great work!
--ForsakenAngel