Published August 24, 2011
I Can't Believe I Go Again
Getting Hurt
Getting Cheated On Not This Time
Hurt You Think I'll Forgive Forgive you
Pain
Fool For love
I Did Nothing
i Loved You
Heart Breaker
Cheater
Liar
Why Me Just me
I'm The One That Get Cheated On
All The Time i Mean I Have The Good One
The Hero
To Help You To Take Care Of You
Here We Go Again
I'm Like Again
Wow I Was Your Baby
Never Again
Im Going To Get Hurt
I'm To Young To Get HURT
But Not Again
Here We Go With You
Do I Really Got To Please You Hun
Never Again
I Think Its Over
Fool For Love
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140,159 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
So as you wanted me to review.. I'm right here.. Yeah there were errors.. But as I read it.. I didn't even see them!! It was so engrossing and you've put it in a real good way.. One can feel the hurt the character is feeling immediately.. A very well written piece.. Loved it!!
Harshita:)
Wow. That's really all I have to say. Ignore the reviews above for just a moment. I really liked this, it says a lot in few lines. I could feel the hurt, the pain, the desire. I could also feel how much he loved her. Yeah sure, you could fix up the spelling error but other than that, don't change a thing. Everyone has their own style of writing poems and I think yours is great, it really adds an emphasis to your words. Great job and keep writing!(:
~Faith(:
Hey, Bud. xP
) I guess I'll just go ahead and give my honest opinion of the content, since most of the other stuff has already been caught. I also noticed that no editing has been made from the suggestions you were given. D: I'd take a few moments to edit those in whenever you get the chance.
Soo, it seems like you already have two awesome reviews on this. Leaving me with not much else to say as far as improvements to be made and such. (Thanks for further squashing on my mojo.
Anyway, onto my review. From the last piece I reviewed of yours, I can definitely see that the way you type out your poems is sort of your style. I think I'd like to see you try a more mainstream approach though. At least once, just so you can see how much more clearer your words read off. Had I written this I probably would have written this out capitalizing only necessary letters, as well as inserting the proper punctuation. Periods and semicolons and question marks don't hurt anybody. If you'd rather keep things blank though, at least capitalize appropriately. Detracts less from the eye when you do.
Another thing, always remember to check your spelling and the structure of your sentences. The way you choose to break this up into pieces is also quite important. If nothing is leveled correctly, then the poem reads off a bit topsy-turvey. What you want is clean and precise, not so much random energy scattered about everywhere. The overall functioning of the way this was written read off quite choppily as one of the other reviewers above me mentioned. I think this has much to do with the fact that you seemed to be throwing words and vague feelings out every other line and it just sort of flopped in many places.
I see that this seems to be a poem based off love and heartbreak. It's not a bad thing that the subject is so popular, the challenging thing is setting apart your work from all the others. What is so unique about the situation you're vaguely describing here? Try and be as specific as you can with both imagery and emotion. Combine all of the thoughts and feelings in your head and inject it into your poem with everything you got. The result will be a much more unique and interesting piece to read.
Well, I guess that's about all I have to say here. I hope I didn't sound to harsh on anything I mentioned. x) I can sometimes forget to filter more subtly when getting into a review of someone work. Feel free to let me know if you have any questions about anything included in my review.
-Smylin'
Hi again.
Believe. This line, even with the rest of the stanza, doesn't make sense. Maybe scrap that first part of the stanza and find something that works better?My big issue with this was the grammar again.
"Geting Hurt Getting
Geting Cheated On Not This Time "Getting" sounds repetitive here. Find a synonym. I'd also suggest putting "Not this time" in the next line; it looks kind of mushed together there.
Hurt You Think ili For Give You "I'll" and "forgive"
Pain
Fool For love
I Did Noting "Nothing"
i Loved You "I"
Heart Breaker
Cheater
Lier" "Liar"
"Why Me Hahaha" What? The "hahaha" is pretty much pointless and useless there.
"I'm The One That Get Cheated On" "Gets"
"i Mean I Have The Good One" First of all, "I." Second of all, do you mean "am" instead of "have?" Third, this doesn't make any sense where you put it.
"I'm Like Again" Take out the "like" for everyone's sanity, please, and replace it with something else. If you're going to speak in a poem, I'd suggest you put it in its own stanza so that we know it's different from the rest of the poem.
"Im Going To Get Hurt" "I'm"
"Do I Really Got To Please You Hun" No, you don't. She needs to learn how to make herself happy, without the help of a guy, like you, for example. Exchange "Got" with "Need."
Proofread your work. I almost always read anything I'm posting online three or four times before I post it. Read it a few times to yourself and fix all the words you know how to spell but aren't doing so for some reason. Read it again a few times aloud to hear how it sounds--that'll help you with verse and all that other poetry crap. Imagery would be great too; as the reader, I only see the annoying grammatical errors, I don't feel connected in any way to you or how you're feeling.
If you're read set on making this into a novel (at least on here), go read Ellen Hopkins. All of her books that I've seen are in verse form and the one I read made me cry.
You've got a start here but just a start. This is probably relatable to a lot of people.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
-Kat
"Getting" has two t's. Two.
Forgive is one word.
Capital 'i''
*Liar
A liar is someone who has lied to you, a lier is someone who lies (as in lies on the ground).
Tad random to through in a laugh into such a serious poem.
This line makes little sense to me.
Alright, so.
Your poem is a tad choppy, it could benefit from some properly used punctuation. It lacks good flow. I found that you lost me multiple times, and I didn't quite get the message you were trying to portray.
I've read some of your other work, and I've noticed that you tend to capitalize every word, it's just your style. I'd just like to say, it is a tad distracting. Perhaps you could try only capitalizing words that need to be capitalized in your next piece, and see how that feels. Just a thought of course!
Hope this review helped! Cheers.
This was awesome!! I loved reading it!!! I liked it because you had so much stuff to do with it, so much passion. I could feel his hurt, and how much he loved her!! Good job!!