z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

Legends: Gladiator, Prologue (A.K.A. Chapter 0.5)

by yosh


Note from the Author: This is a fanfiction for Wings of Fire that I've been wanting to make for a VERY long time. I started on the prologue, but I'll tell you, the reader, a little bit about it. This fanfic will be about the backstory of Queen Scarlet. I thought that her history wasn't explored enough, so I wanted to create what I thought what it would be. Hope you enjoy!

Prologue

Condor reached for the skies. She flapped as hard as she could and twirled around next to Scarlet. The sandy beach below almost seemed like it was shining in the sunlight, and the beams of light were bouncing back and forth between them.

“Isn’t it great!” cried Condor, beating her wings.

“I cannot describe my passion for this simply in words,” said Scarlet, glancing around suspiciously while flying, which sounded pretty hard to Condor.

“Well, that’s awesome!” said Condor. Maybe Scarlet finally took a liking to flying and dancing like a SkyWing and not running around the arena all day, practicing hunting scavengers.

“But I can with numbers,” replied Scarlet drily. After Condor gave her confused face for a long moment, Scarlet finally answered, “Negative nine out of ten.”

Condor gave an exasperated sigh, “Scarlet. Please. The cave is not healthy for you! You need to fly! Like a SKYWING for the moons’ sake.”

“I just practice my hunting!” pouted Scarlet, diving for the shore, sticking her tongue out at Condor. She landed, gave Condor an irritated face, and suddenly, three SeaWings leaped out of the water and reached for Scarlet.

Condor widened her eyes in surprise as Scarlet did a half-somersault and raked her claws into one of the SeaWing’s underbelly, and the ocean dragon screamed in pain. The scream lasted for approximately ten seconds, which was a bit horrifying. Condor had never seen Scarlet look like that before. Scarlet looked happy, manic even. Condor should have been elated that her drab sister was finally having fun, but the screaming SeaWings did not make her feel very good.

“Please! Scarlet! Stop this!” she cried. However, both warriors did not take any notice of her and continued fighting, brawling in the sand, scratching at clawing at each other.

The second SeaWing suddenly leaped back into defensive position and growled at Scarlet, “General Cormorant will love a SkyWing princess in his collection.”

And to Condor’s surprise, Scarlet smiled and taunted the large SeaWing playfully, “Not if you can catch me.” Condor’s sister lunged forward, smoke rising from her snout, suddenly not looking very playful. The SeaWing, who apparently did hear some of Scarlet’s taunt, also jumped forward, and Scarlet ducked at the last second, grabbing the SeaWing’s front arm, sending him lurching forward into the sand with a loud ploof.

The SeaWing started to get up, but Scarlet didn’t waste any time, she slammed herself onto the SeaWing and slit both sides of his throat, sending blood spewing everywhere in a very gross fashion, which at that point, Condor just turned away, cringing.

Condor then heard a bashing noise behind her. Probably Scarlet bashing the SeaWing’s head on the sand. Or Scarlet bashing her arms on the SeaWing’s head. Or the SeaWing thrashing around ending with Scarlet bashing something on the SeaWing’s head. Or Scarlet spewing fire at the SeaWing, making him bang his head on the sand.Condor then mentally scolded herself for thinking of such violent things.

After a while of silence, Scarlet dragged herself back up to Condor, smiling ruefully.

“You didn’t have to do that, Scarlet,” said Condor, a bit angry.

“I was protecting you,” she said, which made Condor even angrier.

She suddenly exploded at Scarlet, “I don’t need protecting! I can fight perfectly fine!” Which was a lie. Scarlet was much better at fighting than Condor, but she was really mad right now and that didn’t matter.

Scarlet looked a bit surprised and a bit taken aback, “Well then-” Condor wrapped her talons around Scarlet’s snout and gestured for Scarlet to be quiet. The two of them stood in silence for a moment. It was comforting to see Scarlet silenced, but that wasn't want Condor wanted to silence her sister for. 

She thought she heard something. Like . . . something rising out of the water. She swiveled her head at the ocean right in time for a third SeaWing to leap out of the water, with his claws outstretched.

Since Scarlet was about to argue, and was about to protest indignantly, Condor knew she wasn't going to or able to defend against the SeaWing. With a split second thought, Condor jumped in front of Scarlet, protecting her, and the SeaWing slashed his claws straight across Condor’s underbelly, sending blood everywhere like the ocean waves itself.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1487 Reviews


Points: 154417
Reviews: 1487

Donate
Fri Jan 01, 2021 6:05 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey Yoshi!

In honour of the January Review Challenge, I've come to review your prologue.
I haven't personally read Wings of Fire so this review is going to be strictly about your piece of work and not about how it links to the series, I hope that's ok.

“Isn’t it great!” cried Condor, beating her wings

This should be a question mark.

“I cannot describe my passion for this simply in words,” said Scarlet, glancing around suspiciously while flying, which sounded pretty hard to Condor.

I find this sentence pretty confusing. First off, why is she suspicious? You've painted the picture of a light-hearted and fun scene so this description seemed a bit out of place. Also, I'm not sure what you're referencing as the thing that sounded pretty hard to Condor. Maybe you could make that a bit clearer.

Condor gave an exasperated sigh, “Scarlet. Please. The cave is not healthy for you! You need to fly! Like a SKYWING for the moons’ sake.”

This is a great interaction between them! It really goes a long way to establish their relationship.

“I just practice my hunting!” pouted Scarlet, diving for the shore, sticking her tongue out at Condor.

I don't think you need the exclamation mark here.

And to Condor’s surprise, Scarlet smiled and taunted the large SeaWing playfully, “Not if you can catch me.”

I think this should be 'not if you can't catch me'

Since Scarlet was about to argue, and was about to protest indignantly, Condor knew she wasn't going to or able to defend against the SeaWing. With a split second thought, Condor jumped in front of Scarlet, protecting her, and the SeaWing slashed his claws straight across Condor’s underbelly, sending blood everywhere like the ocean waves itself.

Wow, what a dramatic end! I think some of Condor's emotions could have been explored a little more slowly here. She seems surprised at her sister fighting with the SeaWings but then goes on to say her sister is a much better fighter... so that confused me a bit. It seems like she has these conflicting views of her sister.

Overall though, a good start! The relationship between these sisters is definitely a nice hook to get the story going and I really enjoyed your style - it's super easy to read :)

I hope this was helpful and feel free to let me know if you have any questions about my review!

Icy




yosh says...


Thanks for the review!



User avatar
461 Reviews


Points: 7451
Reviews: 461

Donate
Sun Nov 01, 2020 7:47 pm
Horisun wrote a review...



Hello, Yoshikrab! Have a belated welcome to the Young Writers Society!

As a fellow fan of Wings Of Fire, I so agree that Scarlet deserved more page time. She is one of my favorite villains in the series! I don't know if you've listened to the audiobooks, but the narrator does an excellent portrayal of Scarlet.
Honestly, I could talk about the Skywings all day, (as they are my favorite tribe) but we have a review to get to!

First off, I'm already curious about Scarlets relationship with Condor, are they friends? Are they more? Are they siblings? I couldn't get much about what they are to each other, and that can be both a good thing and a bad thing, depending on what you're setting up for.


I'd suggest at least implying what kind of relationship they have. One idea you could do is describe Scarlets age in relation to Condors. If they have a sort of Mentor/student relationship, then he can be a lot older, if they are close friends, they can be about the same age. Get where I'm coming from? I'm honestly not even sure whether Condor is Orange or Red, so some description in general would be nice.

One last thought here, but I really enjoyed how you described the characters actions. However, before and after the descriptions, I noticed that there is little set up, and little, "Oh my god, what did I just do?" or "Run, get away, fight." Inner monologue.
Basically, after you say "She sliced open his stomach with her claws," Or something like that, your character goes, "Oh, that was pretty gross." Which is not a reaction people would have. In this moment, your character would most likely be having an adrenaline rush.
Another thing to keep in mind is "Show don't tell." Well I loved the last line, where you used telling vs showing, everywhere else, it slowed the pace down. You can make your action scenes even faster if you aren't doing a play by play.

However, I am PUMPED to see where this fanfiction goes! I loved how you wrote Scarlet here. I'm really excited to see you delve into the Skywings culture, as Tui Sutherland has not done them Justice!
Keep on writing, and have a great day! :D

Also, I'd like to apologize for how messy this review is, I just finished schoolwork, and am absolutely exhausted. So if its overly critical, don't worry too much. I loved this work!




yosh says...


Thank you so much for the review! I'll remember that. (Also, Condor is Scarlet's sister, so maybe I was way too vague lol)




Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman