Hey there Yoshi!! Vincian here to review. I must admit, I'm a little apprehensive about reviewing this, since it's out of my comfort zone. But! let's give it a shot ^^
The feet of his teammates and his opponents pound on the court as loud as volatile cannonballs. Sweat rolls off his cheek, his legs burn, and the volume of the ball’s bouncing increases as the pressure begins to enclose around him like a vicious serpent. Fear and stress clouds his vision, and the only thing Alex can see is the vitriolic gaze from the defender.
I love intros, because, well, they're what attracts readers and can make or break your story before it even starts. Like, imagine a reader, picking your book off the shelf and reading the inside for a bit to decide if they're gonna buy it/read it.
As far as intros go, I think this is pretty good. I do think you could push harder with some of the descriptions. (Like, I would love to see the entire paragraph as impactful as the vitriolic gaze at the end)
“You’ve got five seconds left!”
Now, I haven't watched too much basketball in my life (not really a sports fan) but I don't think this would happen. Like, the time it took for this teammate to scream that out, that five seconds would go down to like two seconds. Plus, I'm sure everyone keeps and eye on the clock anyway. I think it would be far more useful, practically, to shout things that would immediately benefit Alex, like orders on where to move, what openings there might be, etc. Also, basketball is a very high paced kind of sport, so staring and glaring at one person for minutes isn't really helpful nor practical. Perhaps keeping an eye on the defender, but not glaring, if that makes sense.
His heart rate matches the speed of the ball. Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom.
Well, that's either an irregular heart rate or an irregular dribble XD
If Alex doesn’t make it, his team will lose, ending their chance of winning at the Middle School Basketball Tournament.
I recommend removing the "middle school basketball tournament" here. These are thoughts of someone on high adrenaline, running with five seconds left. Sooo, complicated stuff really wouldn't be involved. Perhaps just "chance of winning the tournament".
and winning the championship.
And you can add it back here, now that the high intensity moment is gone. (and ruined, by Alex, good job Alex)
Half a year ago . . .
This is the day. This is the day that we will win and take the championship, Alex tells himself this as there’s thirty seconds left in the final quarter.
And while his team is losing 14-37.
This is a very small part of the chapter. I get why it's in here (for, y'know, showing that Alex is stubborn, persistent, and optimistic) however, it is very awkward. I recommend either removing it entirely or giving it a good extension on length. Maybe a length a bit shorter than the previous section, but I think it would be a good foil to the first part, like, Alex gained more confidence! He got better! He's about to make a shot! Then it reveals the score, and BOOM, hopes are downed yet again.
To some unknown, varying degree, Alex wants to say that he woke up with a gasp that morning. Of course, all the coolest characters in stories wake up with gasps or sweating faces (How do they manage that!?). Sadly, Alex did not have that same luck.
I like this! But it's a bit weird to introduce fourth wall breaking now, when we're halfway through the chapter. This is minor, but usually fourth wall brings a new level of depth and wackiness to a story, so writers tend to start off with a bit of fourth wall breaking just to be like "hey, this is the precedent i'm setting now, so better get used to it". Again, this is minor because it is still the first chapter, but I do think you can maybe put something in the beginning.
Last year, the basketball team suffered a horrible defeat.
14-37. The other team had doubled their score.
This was already established just a few paragraphs before, so it doesn't reeeeeally need to be re-stated here.
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All right! So I enjoyed this chapter. It was nice and fun and an easy read, which is always enjoyable.
Some notes: I know nothing about basketball, and I think it's safe to assume that your average reader might not as well, especially if they're not from America. (I'm not actually sure how popular basketball is internationally, but I think it's safe to say it's not nearly as popular around the world as it is in America) so, when you pull out terms like center, guard, and forward, I have no clue what those terms mean. And, I think it would be super easy to add them in here because there's a person here who doesn't play basketball, so he can be our stand in for not knowing anything.
I also don't know if any school would allow five kids with no coach to actually participate in tournaments or championships, if that's the way this is heading. Also, I think it would be fun to diversify the roster (heh) more. Add in some girls? I know part of the story is about the team only being five people, but it would be nice to see some not as male-heavy parts to the team in the future, if you've put thought into that.
Also, speaking of the five member situation, I have to say that the whole situation was pretty nonchalant. Like, Alex took it and ran with it. And it really just grazed over the fact that they have no coach anymore. Like, that's a pretty major deal, and it's given the bandwidth of a sentence or two for the characters (and the audience) to mull it over. Stakes are only as large as the writer gives it room to be. Like, for example, in a light-hearded but doomed story, one of the characters could say, "oh yeah, the world's gonna end tomorrow if we don't do anything about it" and then everyone shrugs and moves on. Like, GOSH this is a big deal, but if the characters and the story and the writing don't really make it a big deal, then we move on. And, it's totally fine in a lot of scenarios. Here, though, I don't know enough about this story or anything to actually be like "oh, okay, moving on." I'd love to see a part where it's actually addressed before they move on.
However, all in all, I am excited to read this! I hope this review helped, lemme know your thoughts ^^
Points: 3775
Reviews: 378
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