z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

King of the Court [Chapter 1]

by yosh


A/n This story is one I've been working on for a while now. Hope you enjoy! I've paired some art with it too!

Two and a half years ago . . .

The feet of his teammates and his opponents pound on the court as loud as volatile cannonballs. Sweat rolls off his cheek, his legs burn, and the volume of the ball’s bouncing increases as the pressure begins to enclose around him like a vicious serpent. Fear and stress clouds his vision, and the only thing Alex can see is the vitriolic gaze from the defender.

You’ve got five seconds left!” screams his teammate, as if Alex doesn’t know-- as if Alex hadn’t been glaring at the defender for the past few minutes counting the time.

Alex increases his speed, plowing past the unsuccessful defender’s attempt to block him. His legs are screaming bloody murder at him as he pushes them into overdrive.

His heart rate matches the speed of the ball. Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom. This is the most important game of the tournament-- the final shot. If Alex doesn’t make it, his team will lose, ending their chance of winning at the Middle School Basketball Tournament.

Alex had never been that good at lay-ups. Lay-ups were the ultimate shot. For most people, lay-ups should be at an 80% accuracy. For Alex, it's more of a 30% accuracy. To be honest, he isn’t good at anything-- a jack of all trades, master of none.

Today, ‘master of none’ describes him more.

With fury and clouded judgement, Alex jumps forward, and throws the ball too hard.

It bounces off the backboard with a thump, and erases all chances of scoring-- and winning the championship.

Half a year ago . . .

This is the day. This is the day that we will win and take the championship, Alex tells himself this as there’s thirty seconds left in the final quarter.

And while his team is losing 14-37.

Today . . .

To some unknown, varying degree, Alex wants to say that he woke up with a gasp that morning. Of course, all the coolest characters in stories wake up with gasps or sweating faces (How do they manage that!?). Sadly, Alex did not have that same luck.

At 6:30 in the morning, Alex wakes up cuddling his pillow with a giddy smile on his face. Charming.

He stumbles over to the bathroom, quickly brushes his teeth, and eats a meager breakfast. Then, grabbing his backpack, Alex jogs over to school-- Marble Creek Academy. It’s weird that day. Even though Alex is prepared for it, it still surprises him to see none of his friends.

Last year, the basketball team suffered a horrible defeat.

14-37. The other team had doubled their score.

Two of Alex’s teammates suffered injuries, three of them quit out of despair, two of them left for personal reasons, one of them suddenly disappeared, and four of them left the school permanently.

It was not a bright hour for the Marble Creek Academy Basketball Team.

On top of that, their coach had stopped coaching because he was getting old, so now the team needed a new coach.

After school finally ends, Alex jogs over to the gym, to see if anyone even has any interest in joining the basketball team. Since there is virtually no one left in the Eighth Graders who wants to play, the team would mostly rely on the Sixth and Seventh Graders.

Alex smiles and he walks into the gym and looks around. There are four people.

“Hello!” he strides toward them. One of them is about average height. The other three are taller. One of them is just enormous; he looks like a stickman. Alex thinks to himself, We need enormous players. This guy will be a great asset!

He tries to ignore his mind screaming at him, You can’t play basketball with five people! You need substitutes! If one of you gets injured you’ll be done!

“Who are you?” sneers the enormous stickman guy. Okay, maybe Alex doesn’t like this guy that much.

“I’m the . . .” Alex glances around, and seeing that there is really no one else other than the five of them, he says, “I’m the . . . the . . . captain of the basketball team.”

Stickman laughs, “You? You look so scrawny!”

That was a little ironic coming from a guy who looked like he had absolutely zero flesh on his body, but Alex did not appreciate the humor; he was the butt of the insult, after all.

Alex sighs, “Alright, let’s introduce ourselves. I’ll go first. I’m Alexander White, and I play forward.”

Alex then points at stickman, “You. Next.”

Stickman sneers again-- obviously his favorite expression, “I’m Christopher Miller, but if you call me anything but Chris, I can personally assure you that you won’t last another night,” -- after this, he pauses, and then seeing that everyone needs him to continue, he adds, “I play guard.”

Alex is not very satisfied with this. He was really hoping that this guy would play center.

“And if you’re about to ask me if I play center, then say your prayers,” glares Chris.

Alex sighs again. It isn't going very well.

“Well then . . . um, I guess I’m next,” says the next guy. He has a kind face and a mop of curly brown hair, “I’m Colin Richards. Uh, I play as a guard. Um, yeah.”

It is much too obvious that Colin is terrified of Chris.

“I’m Spencer Brennan!” shouts the next guy, who is almost as tall as Chris, “I have never played basketball before, but I would love to play!”

Normally, Alex would silence the kid at once and kick him out of the gym, but compared to the glares of Chris, Spencer’s screaming seems almost mild.

“Please quiet down,” says Alex, and already in a state of despair. The team needs a center. Since their tallest player, Chris, plays as a guard, (and also Alex doesn’t particularly want to beg for his life,) their next tallest player-- Spencer-- would have to play as center. The center has to be a tall player. However, it doesn’t please Alex to need to put a beginner at center.

“Well?” inquires Alex, looking at the shortest kid, “Who are you? Do you play guard or forward?”

“I am Dwayne Lawrence,” says the short kid indignantly, “And I play center.”


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Mon Jun 21, 2021 8:14 pm
Omni wrote a review...



Hey there Yoshi!! Vincian here to review. I must admit, I'm a little apprehensive about reviewing this, since it's out of my comfort zone. But! let's give it a shot ^^

The feet of his teammates and his opponents pound on the court as loud as volatile cannonballs. Sweat rolls off his cheek, his legs burn, and the volume of the ball’s bouncing increases as the pressure begins to enclose around him like a vicious serpent. Fear and stress clouds his vision, and the only thing Alex can see is the vitriolic gaze from the defender.


I love intros, because, well, they're what attracts readers and can make or break your story before it even starts. Like, imagine a reader, picking your book off the shelf and reading the inside for a bit to decide if they're gonna buy it/read it.

As far as intros go, I think this is pretty good. I do think you could push harder with some of the descriptions. (Like, I would love to see the entire paragraph as impactful as the vitriolic gaze at the end)

“You’ve got five seconds left!”


Now, I haven't watched too much basketball in my life (not really a sports fan) but I don't think this would happen. Like, the time it took for this teammate to scream that out, that five seconds would go down to like two seconds. Plus, I'm sure everyone keeps and eye on the clock anyway. I think it would be far more useful, practically, to shout things that would immediately benefit Alex, like orders on where to move, what openings there might be, etc. Also, basketball is a very high paced kind of sport, so staring and glaring at one person for minutes isn't really helpful nor practical. Perhaps keeping an eye on the defender, but not glaring, if that makes sense.

His heart rate matches the speed of the ball. Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom.


Well, that's either an irregular heart rate or an irregular dribble XD

If Alex doesn’t make it, his team will lose, ending their chance of winning at the Middle School Basketball Tournament.


I recommend removing the "middle school basketball tournament" here. These are thoughts of someone on high adrenaline, running with five seconds left. Sooo, complicated stuff really wouldn't be involved. Perhaps just "chance of winning the tournament".

and winning the championship.


And you can add it back here, now that the high intensity moment is gone. (and ruined, by Alex, good job Alex)

Half a year ago . . .

This is the day. This is the day that we will win and take the championship, Alex tells himself this as there’s thirty seconds left in the final quarter.

And while his team is losing 14-37.


This is a very small part of the chapter. I get why it's in here (for, y'know, showing that Alex is stubborn, persistent, and optimistic) however, it is very awkward. I recommend either removing it entirely or giving it a good extension on length. Maybe a length a bit shorter than the previous section, but I think it would be a good foil to the first part, like, Alex gained more confidence! He got better! He's about to make a shot! Then it reveals the score, and BOOM, hopes are downed yet again.

To some unknown, varying degree, Alex wants to say that he woke up with a gasp that morning. Of course, all the coolest characters in stories wake up with gasps or sweating faces (How do they manage that!?). Sadly, Alex did not have that same luck.


I like this! But it's a bit weird to introduce fourth wall breaking now, when we're halfway through the chapter. This is minor, but usually fourth wall brings a new level of depth and wackiness to a story, so writers tend to start off with a bit of fourth wall breaking just to be like "hey, this is the precedent i'm setting now, so better get used to it". Again, this is minor because it is still the first chapter, but I do think you can maybe put something in the beginning.

Last year, the basketball team suffered a horrible defeat.

14-37. The other team had doubled their score.


This was already established just a few paragraphs before, so it doesn't reeeeeally need to be re-stated here.

---

All right! So I enjoyed this chapter. It was nice and fun and an easy read, which is always enjoyable.

Some notes: I know nothing about basketball, and I think it's safe to assume that your average reader might not as well, especially if they're not from America. (I'm not actually sure how popular basketball is internationally, but I think it's safe to say it's not nearly as popular around the world as it is in America) so, when you pull out terms like center, guard, and forward, I have no clue what those terms mean. And, I think it would be super easy to add them in here because there's a person here who doesn't play basketball, so he can be our stand in for not knowing anything.

I also don't know if any school would allow five kids with no coach to actually participate in tournaments or championships, if that's the way this is heading. Also, I think it would be fun to diversify the roster (heh) more. Add in some girls? I know part of the story is about the team only being five people, but it would be nice to see some not as male-heavy parts to the team in the future, if you've put thought into that.

Also, speaking of the five member situation, I have to say that the whole situation was pretty nonchalant. Like, Alex took it and ran with it. And it really just grazed over the fact that they have no coach anymore. Like, that's a pretty major deal, and it's given the bandwidth of a sentence or two for the characters (and the audience) to mull it over. Stakes are only as large as the writer gives it room to be. Like, for example, in a light-hearded but doomed story, one of the characters could say, "oh yeah, the world's gonna end tomorrow if we don't do anything about it" and then everyone shrugs and moves on. Like, GOSH this is a big deal, but if the characters and the story and the writing don't really make it a big deal, then we move on. And, it's totally fine in a lot of scenarios. Here, though, I don't know enough about this story or anything to actually be like "oh, okay, moving on." I'd love to see a part where it's actually addressed before they move on.

However, all in all, I am excited to read this! I hope this review helped, lemme know your thoughts ^^




yosh says...


ALRIGHT TAAAANK U FOR DA REVIEW


Now, I haven't watched too much basketball in my life (not really a sports fan) but I don't think this would happen. Like, the time it took for this teammate to scream that out, that five seconds would go down to like two seconds. Plus, I'm sure everyone keeps and eye on the clock anyway. I think it would be far more useful, practically, to shout things that would immediately benefit Alex, like orders on where to move, what openings there might be, etc. Also, basketball is a very high paced kind of sport, so staring and glaring at one person for minutes isn't really helpful nor practical. Perhaps keeping an eye on the defender, but not glaring, if that makes sense.


rip. looking back, that actually kINDA makes sense but I wanted to insert dialogue somewhere so i didn't know how i should have done it.

Add in some girls?


Unfortunately . . . female characters aren't mentioned very much so far, but I can attempt to create more of a diversity in genders if you would like! I could definitely put in a few female characters of relative importance.

Also, speaking of the five member situation, I have to say that the whole situation was pretty nonchalant. Like, Alex took it and ran with it. And it really just grazed over the fact that they have no coach anymore. Like, that's a pretty major deal, and it's given the bandwidth of a sentence or two for the characters (and the audience) to mull it over. Stakes are only as large as the writer gives it room to be. Like, for example, in a light-hearded but doomed story, one of the characters could say, "oh yeah, the world's gonna end tomorrow if we don't do anything about it" and then everyone shrugs and moves on. Like, GOSH this is a big deal, but if the characters and the story and the writing don't really make it a big deal, then we move on. And, it's totally fine in a lot of scenarios. Here, though, I don't know enough about this story or anything to actually be like "oh, okay, moving on." I'd love to see a part where it's actually addressed before they move on.


Yes, the problem IS addressed later in more detail, but yeah i guess they are all a little TOO chill about having five people . . .

(i have played in a basketball game for my school with five people bc a whole lotta people were absent. it wasn't very fun . . . )

CYA SOON

-yosh



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Wed Apr 28, 2021 3:08 pm
Rodionandaxe says...



Love the art. The story is great too. I am already hooked. I am going to go read the other chapters now. Bye




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Tue Apr 06, 2021 5:53 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hey! FlamingPhoenix here to leave some comments on your chapter!

I liked the art with the chapter! That was a very cool idea! I didn't know you had started posting the story that goes with the art. :D Glad I found this!

I love the character development and the flashback was really cool too! Its a great way to expand on your characters, its even more impactful if its how they all got together to form their team

The only thing that I did see that can help with you chapter, is maybe a little more description in some places, like in the first part of your chapter, where their playing their game, its really intense their running out of time, maybe have Alex smell the sweat in the air, or take note of the crowed sitting on the edges of their seats in anticipation to see who will win the game. These are very small things that would help that first little part to feel a little more real, but if you don't agree feel free to not take what I've said, it is your story, so your free to do what you want! :D


I don't know much about sports so as far as I can tell this was a really great chapter! Keep up the amazing writing! It was a joy to read! Have a great day or night!

FlamingPhoneix! :D

Reviewing with a fiery passion.




yosh says...


Thanks for the review! I will take note to be more descriptive in the future!





I'm glad I could help you out!
Everyone had done so well, I didn't want to repeat! :D



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Mon Mar 22, 2021 2:57 pm
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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hello. ForeverYoung299 here for a review.

The picture was awesome.

The feet of his teammates and his opponents pound on the court as loud as volatile cannonballs.


The beginning was quite good but could you replace him with the name of the person?
It bounces off the backboard with a thump, and erases all chances of scoring-- and winning the championship.

Use of dash might be avoided here. You could just remove it.
It’s weird that day

I think ‘it was’ is better than it's in this case.
Alex thinks to himself, We need enormous players. This guy will be a great asset!

You can remove the phrase ‘to himself’
I am Dwayne Lawrence,” says the short kid indignantly, “And I play center.

Haha. This was so humourous. Just the opposite happened.

Overall, this was so good. And I will review chapter 2 soon. Maybe not today, but tomorrow I surely will.

Bye!!!




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Mon Mar 22, 2021 6:00 am
Spearmint wrote a review...



Hello, Spearmint here for a review! First off, I want to say that I'm not usually a sports person (physical education was the terror of my middle school days), but you've done an excellent job of keeping even non-basketball fans interested in your story! It's awesome how you explained certain concepts, such as the center usually being a tall player, in a way that made sense without taking away from the flow of the story. And I also love that you drew some art for this too! ^-^ Okay, on to some specifics...

The feet of his teammates and his opponents pound on the court as loud as volatile cannonballs. Sweat rolls off his cheek, his legs burn, and the volume of the ball’s bouncing increases as the pressure begins to enclose around him like a vicious serpent.

The description is wonderful here, and the reader is able to feel like they're really with Alex on the court. It's great that you include multiple senses here as well!
And this is a totally optional suggestion, but if you were able to include it somehow, I think it could make your writing even better. Right now, you include two similes-- one about cannonballs, and one about a vicious serpent. It'd be pretty cool if you were able to relate them somehow! For example, if you wanted to go with the cannonball theme, perhaps you could change the second simile to something like "pressure begins to enclose around him like the inside of a cannon about to fire." (Sorry, that's probably not the best example, but hopefully you get what I mean :p) Though of course, this is all just my opinion and I think your writing's awesome as it is! C:

At 6:30 in the morning, Alex wakes up cuddling his pillow with a giddy smile on his face. Charming.

Okay, I honestly found this part hilarious XDD And not only is it funny, but this section also helps the reader get a better sense of Alex's character too. To me, it makes Alex seem less of a perfect captain kind of person, instead showing him as slightly dorky and way more relatable to the reader. I hope you keep your awesome sense of humor throughout the novel!

“I am Dwayne Lawrence,” says the short kid indignantly, “And I play center.”

Like Mailice said, this is a great cliffhanger! And I love that Dwayne says that indignantly; it really emphasizes the humor of the situation to me (plus indignantly is such a fun word to say :p). Overall I definitely enjoyed reading this, and I hope you keep writing!! ^-^




yosh says...


Thank you for the review! Okay I will definitely use the things you kept in mind!

(Cannon about fire ^^)



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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Yoshikrab,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

Nice to read your story. Having played basketball myself on the school team, it was great to read a story on the subject. I think there's too much about soccer these days... (not that I don't like soccer...).

I really liked the structure of the story. You have to deal with different time intervals to get to know Alex better. This gives the reader a first impression of him. He seems very insecure to me, not yet pessimistic, but perhaps a little unconvinced that he really has it together. You emphasise this well in several places, like here:

For Alex, it's more of a 30% accuracy. To be honest, he isn't good at anything-- a jack of all trades, master of none.
Today, 'master of none' describes him more.


Sadly, Alex did not have that same luck.


Here you notice well that he is not pessimistic (which is good, because many characters you want to make like that end up feeling sorry for themselves):

Alex tells himself this as there's thirty seconds left in the final quarter.


A plus point is how you describe the match at the beginning. Visually, it can be portrayed well. Especially your first sentence is an excellent introduction to the story. In general, your first paragraph is very good. The way you present the match, by keeping the sentences short and sometimes breaking them off, raises the tension a lot.

(How do they manage that!?)


Charming.


The difference between the two sentences is that the first is in brackets and the second is not. Since I assume you are trying here to make the narrator part of the story rather (like an actual narrator perhaps?) than Alex's thoughts, I would make them consistent. Later one sees his thoughts in italic.

Two of Alex's teammates suffered injuries, three of them quit out of despair, two of them left for personal reasons, one of them suddenly disappeared, and four of them left the school permanently.


Your list here is written in a great humorous way, but I also find it a bit long, as you try to squeeze as much as possible into one sentence. I would rewrite it a little and change the number of people a little if it is not important to the story. My example now would simply be "In one hand he could count which of his team members had disappeared, one vanished abruptly etc..."

Stickman laughs, "You? You look so scrawny!"


Chris will remain Stickman to me for the rest of the story. :D

"I am Dwayne Lawrence," says the short kid indignantly, "And I play centre."


You end the story very well with that gag. I also thought to myself when he introduced himself that his name must be Dwayne Johnson. :D But a good cliffhanger, since the question remains why he plays centre of all things...

As I said before, I like the story very much. It's an excellent introduction to the story and you can already familiarise yourself a bit with the main characters. I also like your drawing very much and was already hoping a bit that the letters on the characters' shirts could be the characters' first name letters.

Have fun with your writing!

Mailice.





You're given the form, but you have to write the sonnet yourself. What you say is completely up to you.
— Madeleine L'Engle, A Wrinkle in Time