Young Writers Society

I know this feeling, when you try to write from the heart, but nothing comes out. The worst part is, it always feels like there’s nothing you can do about it.
I agree with AmbientGravity about the rhyme scheme compromising the impact and meaning of the poem, and I would add that if you want to go with the horror movie type theme, you should use more vivid imagery and a clear sequence of events. I like the metaphors.
I’m curious, in what ways did you reach for trees?
Finally, the poetry in this is a little bit hard to see, because the plot takes the mental stage. There could be a stronger correlation between the two.
Idk if this is what you were going for, but here’s an idea:

With a wrinkled face and a shaking hand,

I reach up to grab my plush nightstand,

I must think straight, but my hands are tied,

My soul is crumbling, and my fingers have lied.



For nineteen years I kept moving fast,

But my youth couldn't forever last,

I spent all my days doing whatever I please

Today all I'm left with is empty melodies.



I try to compose, I try to fight,

I write my tunes from rise to night,

But now it's left me in a daze,

And my heart dreads the coming phase.



My art knows this phase all too well

For it dies with every taken's spell

When I'm taken, I always whisper pleas

But always silent, are the empty melodies.


Fear gnaws away at my old soul,

I stumble and twist, an ancient foal,

Takers come and take from me

My life, and all my company



The Takers take me into the night,

Glancing side to side, left and right,

I see others crying out their pleas,

The poor lost souls of empty melodies.



I scream at the terrors that bring me here,

"Let me go! I have nothing to fear!"

But they give me a sad and a pitiful glance,

And I know every time that I have lost my last chance.



If I could run faster than lightning,

I would still be stopped by the frightening,

Horrible sight, that brings me to my knees.

The terrible face of empty melodies.



I have to hide, and so I freeze,

I'm grabbed by empty melodies,

I try to fight, I kick and seize,

But none can beat empty melodies,



I scream-- I shriek-- I sprint-- I gasp,

Every effort is ripped from my grasp,

And in front of my beloved keys,

I'm devoured by these, empty melodies.

Heya,
I absolutely love the concept of this poem and I think you do a brilliant job bringing it to life. You have an amazing creative mind and I love love love this idea of an artist being haunted almost by their works. My main critique for this is that at times I believe you may have been a bit too caught up in your own rhyme scheme, which compromised the flow and integrity of the work in a few places. For instance when you write
"For nineteen years I kept up fast,

But my youth couldn't ever last,

And since my days have reached for trees,

I'm left with empty melodies."

The third line doesn't really make sense in the context of the poem.

Additionally when you use terms such as "from rise to night" it kind of makes it seem like you are only using the word night to fit the rhyme scheme as it doesn't flow naturally with rise.

My biggest suggestion overall would be to maybe expand your word choice. I think the largest issue in the piece is it feels at times that you have trapped yourself from saying what you truly want to. The overall goal of the poem is muddied by your adherence to structure. That being said I really did thoroughly enjoy this, I thought it was well constructed and unique.

Much love and good luck
-Gravity

Woah! Another wonderful poem!! Your poems are really a pleasure to read.
Hey Yoshi! Anne here for a review!

First of all, congratulations for your first perfectly metered poem!!
The poem was really full of melodies!! And amazing rhymes. So kudos to you!!
Also, the theme was spooky and the choice of words was excellent which promised a good read.

For nineteen years I kept up fast,

But my youth couldn't ever last,

And since my days have reached for trees,

I'm left with empty melodies.

I scream at the terrors that bring me here,

"Let me go! I have none to fear!"

But they give me a sad and pitiful glance,

And I knew I lost my chance.

I scream-- I shriek-- I sprint-- I gasp,

My efforts are ripped right from my grasp,

And with those eighty-eight small keys,

I'm devoured by empty melodies.

Hi there, Yoshi! I thought this was a well-structured spooky poem. It has this chaotic atmosphere and mood of fright without relying on clichés or gore, which is really good. It's also complex with this melancholic undertone, as there is the sense of finality and something coming to an end. The title and refrain "empty melodies" makes me think that maybe the speaker has become tired of their craft, as if they are starting to burn out and are afraid of that.

Language

Takers come and take from thee,
My life is gone, no one can see.

The Takers bring me to the night,

"lonely foal"
"my days have reached for trees"

I scream-- I shriek-- I sprint-- I gasp,
My efforts are ripped right from my grasp,

With a crinkled face and a shaking hand,
I reach up to my plush nightstand,
I must think straight, my hands are tied,
My soul is crumbling, my fingers lied.

And then will come the next phase.

But silent, is empty melodies.