Once upon a time,
Two suns meet in the sky
The Bigger had such a strong light
but the Smaller wasn't so bright.
Even so, they stared at each other
thinking how they had found another.
The Smaller said "I want to shine!"
but the Bigger "This is no problem of mine."
And then, he continue to fly throught the night
until him could escape her sight.
The only company the Smaller had now was the stars
But even they were away by far.
"I don't need him!" She shouted while running
"I will be brighter!" She was crying
The Smaller only stopped at the end
when she notice nobody near her was a friend.
Her tears were made from despair.
She couldn't hide how he was scared.
The light from her body was dying
but the Smaller could feel nothing.
Her faint bright light was no more,
She was becoming weak to the core.
And then, she stare at the sky one more time
Wishing how much she wanted to shine.
With a saddly gaze, she watched the dark sky
That was her last momment before he die.
But then, something appeared from the dark view;
From behind, she felt something new.
A warm sensation made her turn back
just to see another following her track.
"Are you feeling lonely?"
The Bigger asked slowly.
"Want me to take you home?"
He extended one hand to the alone.
The Smaller didn't know how to react.
She wanted her hand to make contact.
but also her feet wanted to run.
And her answer was only one.
"Please, light my way!"
She shouted with tears on her eyes.
"Let's go, before our light fades away!"
He smiled with her by his side.
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129,485 Literary Works • 671,507 Reviews
Hey !!!
Ejay here for a review ...
Well , telling a story through a poem is not very easy ... but on the other hand , if done successfully , is an absolute pleasure to read . I think you did just that . Told us a beautiful story in a beautiful way . The way you abstractly refer to your characters as "Bigger" and "Smaller" is so very refreshing ... and your use of dialogue is pretty nice as well ..
Liked it a lot .
Keep Posting !!
Cheers !!
Thanks man for the review (and sorry for the delay)! I'm happy that you like it!
Before we get into that, though, I want to give you a warm welcome to the YWS forum. I haven't actually seen you around up until now, but you've definitely made a good first impression with this poem. But enough empty praise! Onto the review...!
Telling a story through poetry is difficult. It's relatively easy to share emotion or an idea through poetry, but retelling an experience (at least for me personally) is a much more challenging thing to do. So, I'd like to congratulate you on your ability to do just that: to momentarily pause time and share something that happened.
Thank you for your welcoming! I'm a newbie here, so, please take care of me! I'm glad that you liked my story! My ability still have a good way to go before I say it's satisfactory, but I thank you for praising it! And I know it's kinda hard to make a story using poetry, but when you feel it in your heart, nothing can stop you!
So, one more time: thank you for reading and liking my story!
Okay! I officially love this poem, it's cute, it has a nice consistent rhyme and rhythm which I love, the message is clear, it tells a story, and it's descriptive. It's adorable. I have no stylistic or thematic critiques because, well, there are none. It's great! So I am forced to revert to my grammar-nazi nit-picking state. Here we go. Your only two issues are that occasionally, near the beginning of the poem, you revert to the present tense. The rest of the poem is in the past, but near the beginning it looks like you're having a hard time deciding past or present.
Reversions to the present tense:
"Two suns meet in the sky"
"Even so, they stare at each other"
And then you have several mistakes in your mechanics throughout. I've cited them below:
Typos/ misspellings/ grammatical mistakes:
"And then, he continue to fly throught the night" ('continued to fly through the night')
"I will be brigther!" She was crying" ('brighter')
"She couldn't hide how he was scare." ('she was scared')
"but the Smaller couldn't feel nothing." ('couldn't feel nothing' is a double negative, just change it to 'could feel nothing' and it'll be fine)
"just to see another following his track." (I'm not sure, but should it be 'her track'?)
"Let's go, before our light fade away!" ('fades')
Her faint bright was no more," ('faint light'? 'faint bright light'?)
"And then, she stare at the sky one more time ('And then she stared')
Wishing how much she wanted to shine. ('Wishing how much she wanted' is just wrong. i don't know why or how to fix it but I know it's wrong. Maybe 'Thinking how much she wanted' or 'Wishing that she could'?)
With a saddly gaze, she watched the dark sky (sad)
That was her last momment before he die." (moment)
So after reading all that seemingly negative critique I'd imagine you're feeling discouraged, but don't. It's not negative: it's an opportunity to grow. It's a learning experience. Hopefully this will make you stronger in your future writings, and I hope you find them useful. Like I said, other than these tiny and unimportant grammar-nazi nit-picks, your poem is near to perfect. There are no thematic critiques to be had!
Great job, and as always, Keep Writing!
Don't worry! Negative is just a wall for the Positive behind it! The more I made a mistake, the more I know I'm on the right way to surpass it! Thank you for your reply! Gonna change it right away!
No problem, my pleasure!