Young Writers Society

Hello Yaslynnj15,
ayushinav here for a review.
Well, it seems like Zoey is out on some adventure or is trapped in some mysterious place and she has written a diary sort of thing to let him/her know about what she had gone through.
This work is well written and it makes us want for the next part. You have used dialogues as well and you are fine with that. I'll not talk about characterisation now because it's a bit too early for that but ya, it looks like Zoe has finally marked the boundaries that define 'reality'.
Also, there were a few grammatical problems at some places which should be avoided as they dilute the quality of your work and disturbs the vibration that you want the readers to feel.
Other then that, it's all good and a nice start to the suspense you might put us into.
Disregard any remarks that you find inappropriate.
Keep up with your work. Good luck!

Hi there Yaslynnj15 and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review your chapter!

Overall, I think there's an interesting idea here. The main character has a weird dream and when she wakes up, she sees everything differently. A version of herself has told her that she is seeing the world as it really is, and everything is much darker than the reality she previously accepted.

It's a neat concept, but I feel like you could do more with it. Like the previous reviewer said, there could be more description of the world she's seeing now compared to what she saw before. Maybe what used to be a McDonald's is now a pile of rubble, or a playground now has overgrown grass and broken equipment.

One thing that strikes me as odd is how Zoey seems to quickly accept her dream self's explanation that she's now seeing the world as it really is. If I were in her shoes, I'd probably be inclined to think that I was still dreaming and would need some sort of proof that I wasn't.

Also, this is posted as a chapter, but wonder if the idea is truly fleshed out enough to be a novel. I think it's easy to get caught up in the idea of writing a great novel but a lot harder to actually finish one. It might be better to start out writing short stories to develop your writing abilities. This idea may end up being a short story, or you might find enough plot twists and characters for a novel-length work.

How "Big" Is My Idea?
Idea Development - From "Ehh" to "Ooh"

Both of these are awesome articles to help you see what story length best fits your idea and how to develop your idea further.

One other thing I did like is the ending. The fading-to-black creates an interesting cliffhanger that makes me wonder why this is happening and what might be coming next for Zoey.

Overall, I thought this was an intriguing beginning with a cool concept. Keep writing!

Hi, yaslynnj15! Welcome to YWS! I'm Battlestar, here to review your work.

I really enjoyed reading this piece! Your introduction of Zoey to the "real reality" is so interesting.

I like how you immediately draw the reader into the story with your "Dear reader..." . I think you could do even more with the opening if you break the first few sentences up a little more for emphasis. For example, you could write:

"Dear reader,

Whoever you are, I'm glad you found this. I'm here to tell you about the real world.

Let me start from the beginning.

This all started..."

I like how you convey a sense of confusion and oblivion to the readers with the colors fading in and out with different flashes of action, and I think you could do even more! When you describe "odd colors," you might want to talk a little more specifically about what the colors are. Since you do the flashback where everything is yellow, it would be cool if you did flashbacks with different colors as well before you got to the "real world" that is all black.

Your sentence describing the real world as "Things were destroyed and dark" is interesting, but you probably want to give a little more description (ex. smoke hanging in the air, it looked deserted, etc.). You may want to describe what he man from the real world looked like as well. Was he old? Young? What color eyes did he have?

This was great, and I can't wait to read more!! All of this is just my opinion - you obviously choose what you want to do! Let me know if you have any questions!