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12+ Violence


by Yaslynnj15

Chapter 1: Opened Eyes

Zoey’s POV

June 20th, 2018 9:15 pm

Dear reader.. Whoever you are I’m glad you found this. I’m here to tell you about the real world. Let me start from the beginning...

This all started last night. I was sitting at my dining table eating some chips while watching some videos on my phone. That was a pretty normal thing for me to do, but yesterday felt.. different. After I finished my bag of chips my head started pounded and my stomach felt nauseous. I couldn’t comprehend anything since the pain was so severe. I simply got up and took some Pain killers, then I drank some water. I went to my room and laid down trying not to pay much attention to the pain. No matter how hard I tried to distract myself the pain just seemed to be getting worse by the second. I just closed my eyes and fell asleep.

It was 4:00 am. I had woke up to the weirdest dream. Or at least you can say it was a dream. I was standing in a white room with nothing Inside. Then another me dressed in all white walked up to me and gently grabbed my face. Then she said “Wake up and you shall see what the world is really like”.

Then she disappeared and everything faded to black. I just sat up in bed trying to understand what that dream meant! I repeated the words she said over and over until I couldn’t think straight anymore. I quickly turned on my lamp and looked around my room. Everything looked.. weird. Odd colors all around and I was starting to feel dizzy.

I slowly slid off my bed and could barely stand on my feet. I walked to the bathroom, Holding onto the walls to keep balance. Once I reached the bathroom I washed my face. I grabbed my towel and dried up my face. I looked into the mirror and froze. That version of me form the dream was standing behind me. She put her hand on my back and said “Don’t be afraid. I’m here to help you. Now that you’ve awaken, you should be careful.” And with blink of an eye.. she was gone. This meant something. I knew it did! This isn’t your average day, this Is an awakening to something new. I walked back to my bed room, starting to gain balance. Before I reach my bed, I collapse to the floor. I look up, slowly opening my eyes.. the color yellow everywhere. A dull.. baby yellow. Makes me.. feel happy. I get a flashback of me as a kid In my favorite yellow dress, standing in the mirror admiring it.

I blink fast, bringing my self back to what feels like reality. The real reality. The reality that no one else sees. This was a start of something new..

I begin to hear screaming and crying. I could hear the agony and it wouldn’t stop. I quickly stood up and opened the blinds. Everything looked different. Things were destroyed and dark. I saw a man dressed in all black, he had a hoodie and he was turned around. I couldn’t get a look at his face, so I did a dumb thing and started banging on the window, screaming “Hey! What is this place?! Can you help me?!” The man must have heard me because he turned around and met eyes with me. We stood there a few seconds before things started fading. Before everything was black the man held up a sign. It was difficult to read in the condition I was in, but the sign said “Opened eyes”

That’s when everything had went black. My name is Zoey Carter.. and I finally have made my way into the real world.

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15 Reviews

Points: 369
Reviews: 15

Sun Jul 01, 2018 10:23 am
ayushinav wrote a review...

Hello Yaslynnj15,
ayushinav here for a review.
Well, it seems like Zoey is out on some adventure or is trapped in some mysterious place and she has written a diary sort of thing to let him/her know about what she had gone through.
This work is well written and it makes us want for the next part. You have used dialogues as well and you are fine with that. I'll not talk about characterisation now because it's a bit too early for that but ya, it looks like Zoe has finally marked the boundaries that define 'reality'.
Also, there were a few grammatical problems at some places which should be avoided as they dilute the quality of your work and disturbs the vibration that you want the readers to feel.
Other then that, it's all good and a nice start to the suspense you might put us into.
Disregard any remarks that you find inappropriate.
Keep up with your work. Good luck!

Yaslynnj15 says...

Yeah, I did mess up a bit. But thanks for the feedback!

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Sun Jul 01, 2018 2:30 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there Yaslynnj15 and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review your chapter!

Overall, I think there's an interesting idea here. The main character has a weird dream and when she wakes up, she sees everything differently. A version of herself has told her that she is seeing the world as it really is, and everything is much darker than the reality she previously accepted.

It's a neat concept, but I feel like you could do more with it. Like the previous reviewer said, there could be more description of the world she's seeing now compared to what she saw before. Maybe what used to be a McDonald's is now a pile of rubble, or a playground now has overgrown grass and broken equipment.

One thing that strikes me as odd is how Zoey seems to quickly accept her dream self's explanation that she's now seeing the world as it really is. If I were in her shoes, I'd probably be inclined to think that I was still dreaming and would need some sort of proof that I wasn't.

Also, this is posted as a chapter, but wonder if the idea is truly fleshed out enough to be a novel. I think it's easy to get caught up in the idea of writing a great novel but a lot harder to actually finish one. It might be better to start out writing short stories to develop your writing abilities. This idea may end up being a short story, or you might find enough plot twists and characters for a novel-length work.

How "Big" Is My Idea?
Idea Development - From "Ehh" to "Ooh"

Both of these are awesome articles to help you see what story length best fits your idea and how to develop your idea further.

One other thing I did like is the ending. The fading-to-black creates an interesting cliffhanger that makes me wonder why this is happening and what might be coming next for Zoey.

Overall, I thought this was an intriguing beginning with a cool concept. Keep writing! :D

Yaslynnj15 says...

Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it

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13 Reviews

Points: 900
Reviews: 13

Fri Jun 29, 2018 4:00 am
Battlestar wrote a review...

Hi, yaslynnj15! Welcome to YWS! I'm Battlestar, here to review your work.

I really enjoyed reading this piece! Your introduction of Zoey to the "real reality" is so interesting.

I like how you immediately draw the reader into the story with your "Dear reader..." . I think you could do even more with the opening if you break the first few sentences up a little more for emphasis. For example, you could write:

"Dear reader,

Whoever you are, I'm glad you found this. I'm here to tell you about the real world.

Let me start from the beginning.

This all started..."

I like how you convey a sense of confusion and oblivion to the readers with the colors fading in and out with different flashes of action, and I think you could do even more! When you describe "odd colors," you might want to talk a little more specifically about what the colors are. Since you do the flashback where everything is yellow, it would be cool if you did flashbacks with different colors as well before you got to the "real world" that is all black.

Your sentence describing the real world as "Things were destroyed and dark" is interesting, but you probably want to give a little more description (ex. smoke hanging in the air, it looked deserted, etc.). You may want to describe what he man from the real world looked like as well. Was he old? Young? What color eyes did he have?

This was great, and I can't wait to read more!! All of this is just my opinion - you obviously choose what you want to do! Let me know if you have any questions!

Yaslynnj15 says...

Thank you so much for your feedback!

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Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Thu Jun 28, 2018 1:26 pm
Yaslynnj15 says...

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Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Wed Jun 27, 2018 2:03 pm
Yaslynnj15 says...

Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
— Ellen DeGeneres