To My Father

hi there, roxy here!
I see that most of the gramatical stuff has been taken care of down below so I wont go through it again!
I can feel the anger in this piece, but I think that you should go more in depth with it! I feel as if everytime you begin a new idea you end it too quickly! Like nargles said down below take your time with this and really think about what your writing!

I think that you have a lot of potential and you should definatly keep writing!!

Hi,
Ok, so most of the technical, grammatical stuff has been talked about, so I won't bore you with that.
I think you have great potential and talent, that if worked on can be fantastic.
So in saying this don't rush anything, take time in what you are writing and really focus on what you want to say and the emotion behind it. It's all good using fancypants words and stuff but if you don't know what you are writing about and why then the words want have an affect.
I do really like the idea of this poem, but I feel as if you need to explore the emotions more and go deeper into them.

Good job and keep writing!

Nargles xxx

Yanelis, this was a very touching poem and very sad. I agree with the prior posting feedback about imagery like sensory details or figurative language to give this more life and the audience could sense your pain much more. Thanks for sharing something so personal and keep writing. Hurtado

Hi there!

Okay, so most of the technical errors I noticed were already hit on by the person who reviewed before me, so I'm not going to go through those because you've already seen them! Something I would like to add is you should be adding a little bit more imagery, which will allow us as readers to feel the pain you feel when you're writing this. I agree that a thesaurus will help a lot too for better word choice. I truly believe with a little more content you'll be able to better show us how you're feeling. It's already got a good start. Keep working hard and I think this will be great

Cheers,
Luxe

Ok, here are a few things:

Remember when I got my first bike?
Of course not, you weren't there... [Take out the ..., maybe add a ! instead]
Remember when I got my first boyfriend?
Of course not.. you weren't there [Add !]


"Mom, where's dad?"
"He's not here baby, you know why!"
But did I really?
Do you really think I understood why You were never
there?
[Maybe take out the dialogue]

Why did mom have to do it alone?
Suffer from the pain you left her? Us!

I needed you.. No wait... I need you! [Not a fan of the whole ... thing so much]
I need you to be a father
I need you to be a dad
I need you to be a friend

I didn't have a quince
SImply because I didn't want to be the unlucky child [Should be Simply]
who didn't have her father-daughter dance.
I cried that day... a lot.
[Can really feel the emotion off this, a quince is a pretty big deal]

Someone once said
"It takes a boy to make a baby, but it takes a man to raise it"
Think about that next time you walk out of someone's life!
[Maybe take out the first two lines, because like it says:someone else has said it, create your own words and way to say it]

I can see you are a beginner, but critiques can really improve your writing style, it improved mine by lightyears. You have potential, just work on your flow a little more, and even try using synonyms for some words. A thesarus really helped mine out, and still does! Don't get discouraged you'll get it. Keep writing!