Young Writers Society

So you liked me to this a few days ago and I've finally had a chance to check it out.

Specifics

1. I think you need another line describing the winter and the harsh conditions or the length of time this fad has been going so that it's more understandable that someone has lost their foot through it. At the moment the transition between lines two and three feels very sharp.

2. I don't think 'slowly realizing' adds anything to the picture and it slows down the flow of the poem. I'd suggest something simpler and maybe make the last two lines a tad more active:

'I hear sirens outside of my house,
they stretch her to the hospital
and the only thing left behind is her left foot,
standing upright in the frost bitten yard.'

3.

They tell her parents that she will never walk again.

This is very interesting. I like it Good work

iF YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR YOU, YOU WILL NOT CLICK THAT LINK.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q ... 3451,d.amc

Wow, this is a pretty interesting piece. I'm not sure whether or not I actually like it.

You did a great job addressing a big thing in a lot of teenagers lives; fads and trends. Most kids want to be popular, to be noticed, and to be looked up to. Your story-erm, poem, did a good job of showing that. Here's my nitpick with your poem; A lot of poets (myself included) throw away or disregard punctuation, but you did not completely do this. You used a little bit of punctuation, but not enough to go either way and it made this a little difficult to read, as my brain kept pointing out where you needed coma's. I see what you did, making every two lines a sentence, but it still bugged me that you did not use commas at the ends of the first halves. You can leave it alone if you want, it is after all a nitpick

The other thing I found really interesting about your poem is the list at the end. There is only on thing on it, 'Made wheelchairs a fad in 2016.' I am going to go ahead and assume that you did that on purpose. When I read it, I saw it as, "She only accomplished one thing in her life, after ruining it (her life) with something else." She made wheelchairs a fad after having lost her legs because she was being stupid. She then- kind of accidently- made a fad. I don't know, the list just seems perfect.

I hope that this review made any sense, I feel like a went all zig-zaggy a bit.

Keep on Writing!

Hi!
I really like the use of vocabulary you have used, I like the layout. The tittle is attractive and the way you have worded this makes the reader feel sorry for her, you have end this story on a cliffhanger based thing. It really captures the horribleness that the world does to you at times! I really enjoyed this and please keep writing!

Ok but

I don't want to like this, but I think it's actually quite well executed. I don't want to like it because generally I don't like very pointy commentary about what's going on in the world because it judges other people. However, it illustrates very well the kinds of harmful and disgusting trends that teenagers often find and copy.

I think it's wonderful that you used the phrase my father often used when I wanted something that my friends had for the title. You take an old, used phrase, and illustrate the concept in the poem nicely.

Another thing I appreciate is the unfinished list that so well shows that this person doesn't have any more accomplishments than just that one silly thing they did years ago.

All that being said, I do have a few criticisms that I'd like to voice.

While hearing about something on the news does show that the trend is widespread, I feel that you're trying to make this character a trendsetter rather than a trend follower. As such, maybe you should start with the foot in the yard and end the stanza with hearing about other such incidents in the news.

wheeling themselves down the sidewalk all because of a

causing an abundance of them to end up in the junkyard.

Huh. This was oddly deep, and a little inspiring.

I feel like I can indirectly relate to the poem. Sometimes, it just seems like people only do things because someone else is doing it. You're saying, "I could post a video of myself doing the craziest, stupidest, most ridiculous thing, and you all would be two second behind me, just because you're so caught in the current." The message you send by writing this is so strong, and you delivered it in the subtlest way. Like, when it hits you after you've finished reading the poem, you're all like "...whoa..." That was exactly how I reacted to this. I was pretty stunned for about twenty seconds before starting to write this. So, nice job. Really, how you conveyed this message was really amazing.

As for the actual content of the poem, it was flawless. If there were any grammatical or spelling errors, they weren't obvious enough to hinder the reading experience. It always makes me happy when someone cares enough about their writing to actually, you know, proofread it before sharing it with the world. I feel like you wrote this with a blunt mindset. You didn't use a lot of descriptive words, which only made the glass of the message clearer, to me. I liked that you left numbers 2-5 blank. It left me thinking.

All in all, I really liked this. It spoke to me in a monumental way, and I hope you never stop inspiring people.

~Caterpickle