Published July 12, 2008
Love
How happy I was,
Before yon fair maiden came unto me!
Her hair, the color of night,
Her face, as a pale moon on Winter's night!
How happy was I,
Before unto me yon fair maiden came!
For mine heart hath been stolen by she!
How beautiful and how upright she hath been!
How happy was I,
Before yon maiden fair shewed herself unto mine eyes!
But alas, mine heart shall be gone forever!
Fate hath torn us apart,
Never to look on the countenance of one another again.
Good bye my sweet!
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Well, it is free verse, but thanks for the tips! I'll try and edit it.
I see you're fairly new, so welcome to YWS!
Now onto the poem.
I'll start with the first thing I saw about this poem, the title. It's a bit of a clunker, and it falls to me as being uninspired. I think you need to create a title more interesting, to capture the reader's attention.
I think this is a pretty good poem for a beginner. (Much better than my first attempt, to be honest)
You're going for a bit of an old english theme here. eh? You have some good elements here, but I've seen many things like this before. Comparing hair to a night sky is a bit of a cliche, but I like the pale moon. That was interesting. Watch it, you used "night" at the end of your lines twice.
Some metaphors and similes would help jazz this up a bit. Make it a bit more interesting, because at the moment it seems a bit empty.
I'm not sure I like the repetition of using the same phrase as the first line of each of your stanzas. I know you're going for old english, but I don't like "mine heart" too much. And I think you could make this a bit more poetic like you could the last stanza.
Hope this helps!