Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
We were on the edge of the world, I was balancing on your toes. You told me you loved me and I fucking believed you.
Laughing into the crisp air of the night, I tilted my head to look at the stars.. it reminded me of the night we spent trekking through the forrest in search for something that continues to remain unfound. It was the same sky after all, and the same moon, our only witness of the events that transpired upon our first encounter.
Though now, I'm outside alone, in the cold, which never bothered me until now. And instead of a spirit doused in rain and sunshine, I had only a hole in my heart and the breath of a hurricane in my bones.
An entire year later.
Three o'clock marked the end of my afternoon lecture, I grabbed my back pack, swinging it with ease over an arm and headed out the door of the building. At 19 I've just started my first year at university. I took a gap year to get myself together after the rough year before. My last year of high school had been anything but smooth sailing but the year off which I choose to spend mainly outside in the fresh air helped tie me back to the ground. I met my new girlfriend, Lisa. She is everything I needed; kind, loyal, understanding, a good companion, and she shared my interest in photography so that was cool. She even encouraged me to peruse it, but I let myself be told that it wouldn't take me anywhere, and went on to study psychology instead, for the sole reason that I wanted to help people.
"Charlie!" An excited Lisa skipped up to meet me, even after we embraced the smile remained on her face.
"I have great news! I've been selected to speak at the charity event tonight that I told you about, I'm so excited! Victoria's sick so she won't be able to make her speech about human rights, so I'll be reading it for her, you're coming tonight right?"
"Of course I am, It's at seven isn't it?" I furrowed, realising I wouldn't be able to go home and continue the book I was reading 'Fahrenheit 451' by Ray Bradbury. "Did you need a lift home?" I asked politely.
"No I'm quite right, I have to stay here and help set up the auditorium for tonight and practice my speech, but I'll look out for you in the crowd" she flashed a smile and turned to walk off towards the auditorium.
I took my time getting to my car, and drove home. Before I knew it I was heading back to the place I had just come from.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey there!
To be honest, I'm indifferent about this work as a whole. It didn't offer that much new to the table. The main character was talking about one of his previous relationships, talked uni, talked about his girlfriend, and then drove home. As a starting chapter, it didn't feel as strong as it could have.
That was a hook. A profane hook, yes. But it still was one. Presumably, it was supposed to jar the reader or set the tone for the rest of the chapter. But there wasn't much built upon that afterwards. Charlie loved this mysterious person, mysterious person hurt Charlie, and then Charlie moved on. That's really all what I got from it. If you hook the readers in, you gotta keep them entertained.
The prose in the first three paragraphs was actually rather enjoyable. The last paragraph of that trio was my favorite, actually. If more of the description was built on that with the rest of the chapter, then that'd probably work out a lot better. (In Percy Jackson, he tended to describe a lot of stuff with adjectives that were normally associated with water or he used verbs that dealt with water. In a few good fanfics that I've read, they'll describe the sunset while painting the mood of the view point character in just a few words.) Something like that would fit, most definitely.
To add on to that, this chapter would probably fair better with a bit more description of everything. What does Lisa look like, what was the general energy that she carried around? Give us a few samples of what the campus looked like. What season was it? Where there any of students around? Give a solid setting for the imagination.
There's a big info dump in the middle, which would probably be better littered out throughout the rest of the chapter. While that would make the chapter longer, it would probably work out better in the long run. Readers typically don't take too kindly to large chunks of information that they'll have to retain long term. It's better to give them a little bit of information here and there and maybe a few small chunks if you're feeling lucky. It's the first chapter, let them ease into the story a little.
He furrowed what exactly? You might want to specify.
Anyway, I do hope that you'll keep on writing!
~Adrian, Knight of RED
Hi,
Interesting start.
**Review's Starting**
You started in kinda awkward style. Not that it is boring. Nor great... The edge of the world you used caught my attention. Is it some place far away? Is it the end of the world?! Or is it simply as a hyperbole? Whatever you intention were, I hope you explain it somehow later. Not the next chapter. It is so early.
The story advanced from an F-Bomb-believe-and-panicked-toes-hanging situation to a beautiful night sky. At least, you tried balancing it. I praise you. The flashback is okay. Not too shabby nor vivid.
And then, it becomes hole-in-my-heart, sad and lonely situation. I pitied the character. :3 Yay! You didn't explain it... It makes me happy. It should be revealed slowly later.
SUDDENLY! It already had been a year... Okay, I accept it. Well, you should consider about making the opening longer. I feel it is lacking something. I think it is called as the thing that draws the readers in. It will slowly come to you later, so don't worry. ^^
Moving on, I was surprised to look the super long paragraph before a very short sentence. Break it up. Make your readers more aware of the changing. Make them a place to gather your information you gave.
And then goes the dialogues. Pretty good, the dialogues are. But...
Combine these paragraphs. It looks like Charlie is talking after Lisa. Anyway, don't you think the long dialogue is pretty awkward? Not because it is long. One rule, don't drag on foolishly.
The place where the book part is...You should be more casual about explaining the author's name. Again, it looks awkward....
And it ends...
Overall, keep the mood on. The last sentence is spotted on!
**The Review's Ending**
This is my first review about novel chapter...after the month I entered here... Sorry if it looks AwKwARD...
Keep writing. It's going somewhere. Not many can keep up with random ideas, but I pray you can...hopefully...
~Memo
P/S: I know I don't touch the grammar parts and typos. I leave it to the pro...hopefully...
TAG ME OR PM ME IF YOU POST ANOTHER. ^^