"No matter what you say, you don't really know what it means to lose your mind. It's something like looking in the mirror and not recognizing the reflection, or wondering who this person is looking back at you. I mean you know that's it's you, but it's not the same person you feel inside your head. She may look like you but certainly not who you are. Happiness sounds like oblivion, and light is not much different than darkness. Dreams… I don't remember the last time I dreamed."
She shook her legs fast and aggressively as she sat on a desk facing a huge window that has a view of an enormous garden. It was morning, and the sunlight warmth has reached every inch of the room except for her heart. She breathed out the smoke of her cigarette and put it in the ashtray with a shaking hand.
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125,038 Literary Works • 672,927 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...this starts of with a very interesting paragraph there, not the kind of thing I was expecting to run into judging by the title but hmmm...well certainly sounds like something that can give a person anxiety there. Well...at any rate it is a really nice way to try and explain what it may be like for someone to have a mental disorder or "lose their mind" as its put in this one. Well, this certainly does create what could be a pretty horrendous situation, cause the way you describe those analogies certainly do create some potentially pretty horrifying mental images.
And then of course we're introduced to our character right away which creates a pretty intense image by itself, it looks like she's shaking and try to comfort herself through the smoking that she appears to be doing there...and well, she definitely seems to potentially think the whole concept of losing one's mind perhaps applies to her...or at least that is the only reason I can really think off for why you would mention that paragraph earlier and then segue into her shaking like this over something that is clearly bothering her heavily.
At any rate this was an interesting little piece here
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, yo, YDRyan! Strange Grohl from the Poo Fighters and I have a review for you on this Friday evening!
If I offend you, I apologize. Only trying to review this work with what I think could help it, because, you know, that's criticism. Also, welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your stay!
This is going to be a short review for a few reasons. One, this is only two paragraphs. Two, clogs gave you a review below. I didn't read it but it probably covered everything there is to say. I'll see if I could point out anything that they didn't say in their review. Alright? Alright.
I wasn't too hot on this. Considering these are opening paragraphs, they are vital to what's going to be in this book. Now, I like weird prose. The Sun Also Rises, The Stranger, Breakfast of Champions, all that. They have some awesome starting lines/paragraphs. All this work is is a hook. If you were to post this as a chapter, the full chapter, it'd probably get a more positive review. However, the hook failed to get off the ground. Let's get into this, shall we?
A simple opening sentence with no punch at all, really. Considering this is a character who has severe anxiety, you went the route that anybody reading this would expect. Something about this person losing their mind, no subtlety at all. You set it point blank with no creative segue. That is a turn off, sadly.
If you were to flesh out this sentence, it would read:
I mean you know that IS IT IS you.
No grammar sense at all. Turn 'that's' into 'that'. Woo!
Okay, this line is confusing. I understand the point you're trying to make, but that's after thinking about it for a while. 'She may look like you, but she's certainly not you'. That would sound significantly better. Then again, I'm ignorant, so who knows?
Cliched once again! Grace should be a more different character than your run of the mill depressed person.
As you can see, I went right to the last sentence. The description before hand wasn't as important. This is what sets up Grace as a character, right? Okay, so the ending should have a punch. It didn't, it took the simple route. If I had a quarter for every time I've seen a depressed and anxious girl smoke a cigarette I'd be bathing in mentos.
Overall, as a hook, it was kind of disappointing. I don't know how the rest of the novel will go, so I can't critique that, but this doesn't grab my attention the way it should. If you were bound to rewrite this, rethink her character more. Try to make it more interesting and attention grabbing, in a good way.
Keep writing and stay groovy!
Hey there! clogs here to review!
I'm not sure why you would spend 200 points to post just a couple of paragraphs. Why not go ahead and post the whole chapter? However, since you did post this, I guess I'll go ahead and review!
So let's start with the first paragraph. It's just a big chunk of dialogue. I feel like it should be broken up with something. Did the character not stop for breath or pause once? Did she ever have trouble getting the words out? Did she hesitate at all? The way you've written it tells us nothing about the way she's speaking. Try adding some interludes. You could work in some of the details in the second paragraph by putting them in the first paragraph. For example:
Do you see how I used that to both a) describe the dialogue and b) add a detail about her surroundings? It's a much more natural way to write, and it tells your reader so much more about what's going on. Try to include details about how she's talking. Make sure the dialogue sounds like a real person talking! Nobody just monologues for a whole paragraph without anything else happening.
Now let's move onto the second paragraph: It has the reverse of the first paragraph's problem. It's just too much description all at once. There's got to be a way to fit that description in more gracefully somewhere, which goes back to what I was talking about earlier. I feel like these two paragraphs are ingredients for a cake which haven't been mixed yet. On their own, they're no good, but if you can find the right way to mix them together, then you'll have a delicious introductory paragraph.
If that made no sense, then please feel free to ask for clarification!
Now, minor nitpick time:
There needs to be a comma after "I mean".
First of all: There needs to be a comma after "but".
Second of all: I feel like the second phrase is incomplete. Maybe you meant something like "but is certainly not who you are"? I feel like that would make more sense.
Make sure you're watching your tenses here. It starts off in the past tense (shook, sat) but switches to present tense (has). To fix this, change "has" to "had", but make sure you're aware of tenses while you're writing.
The same problem applies to the sentence after this one- "has" should be "had".
Just make sure you pay attention to small mistakes when you're proofreading!
Now, onto the main concept. There's not really enough here for me to tell what is going on, or what could happen, or where this is going. It's really just a paragraph, and there's not a whole lot to pull me in right now. I feel like the speaker is about to launch into a story that could be interesting, but she hasn't even gotten there yet. I definitely recommend posting a little more next time.
Overall, this was nice, but it could use some improvements. It may seem like I've torn your paragraph to pieces, but I'm just trying to help! I hope this review was useful to you, and keep up the good work!
Hello! Person with severe anxiety here! The whole thing about not recognizing her own reflection seems more like a psychotic symptom (personality disorders, schizophrenia, etc.) than an anxiety induced one. Perhaps having her not like what she's seeing in the mirror or having her feel like something is watching her but the mirror reveals that it's nothing will make it seem more like an anxiety symptom.
I think instead of shook it should be bounced her legs because (it might just be me) but using the word shook in this context makes it seem like she has control over it while using the word bounced makes it seem like she has little to no control since if her leg goes down it's bound to go back up like a bouncing ball. (Sorry if that doesn't make sense but I do it because of my anxiety too and it's the only way I can describe it.)
I like how you included that she smokes because for some people smoking can be calming so it would definitely be something someone with severe anxiety would do if it got bad enough.
If I were you I would do some more research on severe anxiety and it's symptoms (contrary to popular belief, anxiety is a lot worse than just being nervous.)
Anyways, I'm very interested in what comes next in this story and which you the best of luck!
Happy writing!