Published January 22, 2012
I am not afraid of tears. Nor am I afraid of losing myself. But I am afraid of losing her.
Maia and I have known each other since the first grade. Or should I say, no one knew her, but she knew everyone? Maia was a loner. She never talked unless the teacher made her, . but she got the best grades in the class anyway..
In first grade, she was already pretty, if a first grader can understand beauty. She was small, and thin, but not anorexic. She had huge, soft eyes, and masses of wavy chocolate hair. She had a perfectly shaped mouth, even then. Perfectly full, with just the right amount of peak on the top lip. I think I have wanted to kiss her ever since then.
During recess every day, she sat in the corner by the tall chain link fence and watched everything. Every little movement, every conversation. It was like she was trying to understand how to be social.. Nevertheless, I felt her eyes on me more than I thought they were on anyone else. I do not know if Maia felt it, but I thought we had a connection.
All through middle school and junior high, Maia sat in the corner during recess. She never played. Never seemed to move. But she got thinner. By eighth grade, she was dangerously thin and pale, and looked as if she never slept. Her only friend it seemed, was the endless parade of books she read. I wanted to go to her so badly.
I was one of the popular boys. I played no sports, and I really would always prefer my computer to the outside world, but the jocks accepted me. Their acceptance was what held me back. I did not want to lose my few friends by consorting with the outcast. If I did, she would be my only friend. I was too afraid to do that. My only way of holding true to her was never “dating” another girl. If you could call it that in middle school.
Many girls thought I was mysterious. They got their little friends to ask me out for them. I always declined. I liked to think that every time Maia saw me say no to another girl, she smiled, just a bit, deep down in her soul. I never felt bad, declining those girls. I think they knew, even then, that my heart was Maia’s.
Finally, on the Valentine’s Day of our eighth grade year, I gave her a valentine in my own shy way. No one else would never know, but I hoped she could guess. I snuck out of fourth period, claiming a bathroom break. I slipped down to the playground, and set a single red rose in her corner. A slip of paper on the stem read,
I love you
I never knew if she realized that I had left it.. When I got a chance to glance
over though, she had the rose in her thick hair, and her dark eyes shimmered with unshed tears. Her perfect rosy lips curved in a smile I had never seen. I was never going to let her go.
In computer sciences freshman year, we were lab partners. She still talked as rarely as possible, but when she was with me, she seemed to smile more. Just the proximity to her made me smile like a fool, that I knew. I still hope she did not see how silly I felt.
I had dreams about her. I never talked to my”friends” about her though. Those boys thought I was gay. Every time I declined a girl, they gave eachother significant looks. At first these glances bothered me, but eventually I no longer cared. Maia knew. That was all that mattered.
Sophomore year, our history teacher paired us up for a research project. She still took the bus home, but I could drive, and we had to stay after school in the library to put the project together. I told her I would give her a ride home, and she did accept, but not before a flash of fear lit her eyes. At the time, I thought she was still afraid of me. For the entire time that we worked on our project I thought about it, working it over and over in my mind.
When we made it to her house, I saw the truth of why she was scared for anyone to see her home. Her father sat in an old rocking chair in the middle of a wild yard. His fat squidged out the sides under the armrests, and his shirt could not even begin to cover his massive pasty stomach. He had a bucket of extra-cheap ice cream in one hand and a bottle of booze in the other.
His rage was unimaginable when I drove up in my little blue jeep.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DAUGHTER?” he slurred loudly. “IMMA KEEL YOU IF YOU GET SO CLOSE TO HER AGIN!”
Maia quickly thanked me for the ride, and I tried to lay a hand on her arm, but she was already out of the car. I gaped at her. I was not sure whether to get out too or drive for my life. This fat man seemed to be the type to abuse people, if he was that angry over a courteous ride home.
Maia ran for the front door of their ramshackle house. She had almost made it when her father threw his now-empty bottle at her. It caught her across the cheek, hard enough to . That was it. Nobody touches my Maia,
I leaped out of the car, but Maia screamed at me.
“John, just go, please!” She had tears in her eyes and a crescent of red stood out on her cheek fro where the bottle had hit.. “Don’t make it any worse for me!”
I was torn. This man could not do this! Especially not to my Maia!
“Maia! No! Come back!” I knew I sounded whiny, but I wanted to get her out of there so badly. Tears caught in my throat.
“John, there’s nothing you can do. Go home.” She said calmly, though a tremor shook her voice.
“Yeh! You heard er! Go on! Git!” screeched her father with an ugly sneer. “An stay away from me girl, you little punk.”
Maia looked at me, eyes shimmering with tear s of pain and shut the door. I felt sad and deflated as I climbed back into my jeep and drove away. There was nothing I could do. At the time, I did not even think of going to the police. I just went home and found something to punch.
Maia was not even absent a single day. She told all her teachers she had fallen on the stairs to explain away the huge bruises on her face and arms. And she told me I had to keep it secret.
“I only have two more years. I promised my mother I would stay with him when she died” Maia whispered to me in history. “I’ll be ok. Thank you, though, for caring so much.”
I did not know what to say. So I hugged her. It was the first time I had ever touched her. She felt so fragile, so easy to hurt. I felt like my heart would shatter into a million pieces.
Junior and senior years, we had no classes together. I hardly ever saw her, except for passing in the halls. Nevertheless, I knew she was alive at least. I left my sporty friends. Nowhere in sight was the John they all knew. I was quiet, and seemed depressed to the happy-go-lucky jocks. I was a loner in my own right now. I would have gone to Maia if I could have found her, but I never did.
So now, it is a week to graduation. I am sitting on my bed, staring at my calendar. The day after graduation, I am leaving to spend the summer in the town where I will be going to college and get a job there. And I will never see Maia again.
As I gaze at my calendar, I remember all the things I love about her. Her soft voice, delicate hands with long fingers, her waist length hair that I long to run my hands through. I remember in detail those immaculate lips. I realize that if I want to make a move with Maia I have to do it now.
It is 8:00. As I hop into that selfsame old blue jeep, it brings with it waves of memories from that day in sophomore year. I wish I had done this sooner.
I am probably not being very safe. Its dark, and I am well over the speed limit, but I do not care. I have to get to Maia’s house. Now.
Finally, I pull into her driveway in shock. Her horrible house is in flames. Her idiot father probably lit some booze up for a thrill. I do not even think. I just leap out of the car. I am not a big guy, but I bash down the charred door easily. Maia is wailing at the end of what seems to be a very, very long hallway. Bruises and burn marks cover her face.
I run, faster than feels possible, but the hallway feels endless. Finally, I reach Maia. She sits curled into a tiny ball, trying to protect herself somehow. When I lift her, she weighs nothing. I wonder how long it has been since her father has allowed her to eat and begin the trek back to the door.
Just as I make it out, the building collapses. No way is her father alive now, nor would I go back for that man..
I set Maia in the passenger side of my jeep. I cannot hold myself back anymore. I almost lost her tonight. Her lips are the only soft thing on her bruised and scratched face as I kiss them and whisper,
“I knew you didn’t want to be alone.”
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140,186 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hello Xyra! First off, I'd like to say that I thoroughly enjoy your story line, and I think that if we tweak and revise it, it will go from being a good story to a fantastic story
I'll show you:
well done, my dear!
once again, good job!
no criticisms there!
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I like the slurs more here, but if you keep them, remember to put your apostrophes in, like an', 'er, etc.
I really enjoyed your story and I hope you continue it! And I hope I didn't seem too harsh 
Happy Writing!
"Maia and I have known each other since the first grade. Or should I say, no one knew her, but she knew everyone? Maia was a loner. She never talked unless the teacher made her, . but she got the best grades in the class anyway.."
Okay, so the thing that stands out to me here are the punctuation problems. Being a grammar nazi, my attention is always drawn to these things XP don't worry, they're easily fixed. Change the question mark at the end of the second sentence to a period (with a question mark at the end it makes the sentence end a bit awkwardly), remove the extra space and period in the fourth sentence and remove the second period at the end and this paragraph is fine
"Maia and I have known each other since the first grade. Or should I say, no one knew her, but she knew everyone. Maia was a loner. She never talked unless the teacher made her, but she got the best grades in the class anyway."
See? Okay, moving on...
"In first grade, she was already pretty, if a first grader can understand beauty. She was small, and thin, but not anorexic. She had huge, soft eyes, and masses of wavy chocolate hair. She had a perfectly shaped mouth, even then. Perfectly full, with just the right amount of peak on the top lip. I think I have wanted to kiss her ever since then"
May I start out by saying that I like the first line, and have no criticisms for that. The second sentence doesn't have much wrong with it. Get rid of anorexic (no one thinks a first grader is anorexic) and put something like tiny. I liked the third sentence again, very descriptive, but you should probably put down her eyes color and maybe combine it with the fourth sentence. Just a thought. The last sentence is a tad awkward, so instead of that I would put something like, "Her lips were kissable even then." or something along those lines.
No revisions for the next paragraph
The only thing I have for the next paragraph is to change "friend" to "friends", because there are multiple books
Next two paragraphs are brilliant
The only things I'd change in the next one is "never" to "ever" and "I love you" to something less rushed, like "You are beautiful". "I love you" is a bit too much when it's only the first chapter.
"I had dreams about her. I never talked to my”friends” about her though. Those boys thought I was gay. Every time I declined a girl, they gave eachother significant looks. At first these glances bothered me, but eventually I no longer cared. Maia knew. That was all that mattered."
I like the beginning of this one, but it's unrelated to the rest of the paragraph. I think you should definitely take that first sentence and write a whole paragraph about his dreams before you talk about his friends' reactions. For the second sentence, I think the quotation marks are a little too much. They're just not needed. The only other thing here is the space between "my" and "friends".
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DAUGHTER?” he slurred loudly. “IMMA KEEL YOU IF YOU GET SO CLOSE TO HER AGIN!”
While I like the idea of him yelling drunkenly, I think the all caps are too much and I'd change the "imma" to "I'll" and "agin" to "again". Focus more on his actions to show that he's drunk.
"Maia ran for the front door of their ramshackle house. She had almost made it when her father threw his now-empty bottle at her. It caught her across the cheek, hard enough to . That was it. Nobody touches my Maia,"
In the second sentence, it says that his bottle is empty, but how do we as readers know that? Write about him draining the rest of it before hitting her, or something along those lines. In the third sentence, it hit her hard enough to...? Bruise her? Put down how it hurt her. Lastly, the last sentence ends in a comma, but needs to have a period
“Yeh! You heard er! Go on! Git!” screeched her father with an ugly sneer. “An stay away from me girl, you little punk.”
Not too much wrong with this, but I just wanted to point out a couple of things. Unless he's pirate, he should be saying "my girl" instead of "me girl"
Those are all my criticisms
Hey Xyra, dear! Alfred here for an Editor's Note! Prompts awaiting!
Beautifully made! The image entered my mind very clearly. To compensate the dramatic description in those parts, try making your last sentence stronger. 'I think' is an unusual word to add here. Try deleting it, thus telling the readers that the speaker REALLY wants to kiss her. And also, adding 'I think' makes the sentence a bit creepy, while excluding it makes it hot 
.
Yes, I'm an advertiser!
First and foremost, I would like to say that I'm impressed by the way you storytell. You have this sense that you tell it so purely and innocently, subtly but very emotionally. Plus your story, plot, conflict and thrust works greatly with each other. Characters are well described. Emotion is poured in. It seemed poetic just reading it. I hope this one gets published!
Anyways, let's see what The Editor wants to say to your piece. Remember, The Editor is not hesitating to catch even the slightest grammatical mistake!
"
The Editor Says:
Let me start off by giving you a quick note: the way you storytell IS pure and innocent, but it was a bit plain. I've noticed that you used the pattern 'Subject-Verb-Direct Object" a lot. Not that is was bad. Your telling is good, don't get me wrong. But it can become uninteresting as it comes further and further because of the repetition of structure. The best of writers can get more structures into their pieces, mixing and matching, never setting two of the same structures beside each other. The variety may not be noticed by the average reader, but it can really make your piece much better! Als try to keep all tenses constant, dear!
Let me tell you this, the story, in my editor's perspective is as if coming from a third grader's voice. And that'd what make it very special. Young, wild and very free.
From this on, all notes are per paragraph.
The second sentence from your second paragraph is out of tone. It's better if you say it in a statement rather than question. When you say it like a question, you seem very unsure about the opinion you're giving, dropping your tone's strength. Also, the sentence fourth in the same paragraph has two punctuation marks, delete the comma please. And the last sentence should end with three periods for an ellipsis.
I'd rather see the next paragraph as 'She was already pretty since first grade. As if beauty matters those days.' Or something like that. There's a lot of admiration in the tone. Admiration is good, but too much is very bad. Try to tell description based on the character's perspective, and make sure it fits the structures you're taking. The following sentences were GREAT
In the next paragraph, don't say that she doesn't move! Try using another word because when I imagined it, well, the result was plain weird. The meaning you want to put up was great, so try making a better sentence to compensate it. How about 'She sat still as a _____', see the blank? You can add a simile here, adding more description for Maia. Follow it by 'She grew thinner and thinner.' Don't use but because it makes the sentence defensive.
Tip: Don't make your characters too perfect. But if being perfect is one of their qualities, then give them a flaw or make them not know it. On the sixth paragraph, you said so greatly of your speaker. That's great, but try making it less great. Don't directly state that he is popular. Try saying that anywhere he goes, people kept smiling and greeting him. Something like that. Also, use the techniques I stated before for the betterment of describing your character.
Okay, for the next few paragraphs, I noticed that you stated them a bit statically. 'They asked me. I declined.' The order of ideas is greatly structured, and I like it, but try combining two sentences or more into one, expanding them and making them more of a good read. Also, blend some adjectives into the rhythm, girl! Don't be shy to use figurative speech too! Use them smooth moves on the rickety grooves
On the paragraph where an all-caps dialogue was spoken:
Conventions are great. Capitalizing words works even though it's breaking grammar rules. But I'd rather hear a dialogue in regular fonts. There is BOOM! And the boom is only one word. A whole speech can be denoted through the use of your storytelling. Just add, 'he/she shouted' or the like, and un-capitalize them words, dear. If you're afraid that readers won't notice your dialogue is a loud-mouth, denote it earlier, like what you did! So no need for capitals! Also, I think you meant kill, because keel is another term...for seafarers I think. Plus, don't be too exaggerated on the dialogue, try to be natural, those are people after all. Try saying what they say and find the perfect way to say it!
Dear, I'd rather not mention the other paragraphs for I have given the best techniques for a great piece. Just be sure to have all of them on all of your paragraphs!
Oh, and I hear from Alfred that you want this published. Good luck! I hope it will be!
x
The Editor
"
And that's what The Editor's say! Sorry for the long review! The first time I saw that you want this published, I got off my seat and searched for this piece for some critiquing! Be sure to study these carefully, dear! I hoped I helped with this one! If you want more reviews, just drop by the clinic! Please tell it to your friends!
Well, good luck writing!
Your pal,
Al
I had read your "un-revised" version. I liked that but this I............................... I love it !.
I really like the last line
"I knew you didn't want to be alone."
It spread a smile across my face. Perfect ending.
I couldn't ask for anything more and couldn't change it, also. Perfect.
-Tanya/tanya98.
P.s. - I'll PM you once I've written the story that's in my head and ask you to review it.