Home Again
"There's more ways to see then with just our eyes and more things to see then our eyes will ever show us. It's that feeling you get somewhere deep in your heart, because sometimes we can see more with our eyes shut rather than wide open."
I closed my eyes.
I heard the sweet echoing sound of children laughing and seagulls squawking as they flew past.
I felt the icy sea breeze blow against my skin, and my long curly dark hair flapping with the wind.
I tasted the ocean's salty air as the sun's rays warmed my back.
Not in my house anymore was I, but at a place far better, far from my home.
My toes sunk into the soft warm sand and I began to make my way to the water.
I could not see, as my eyes were closed but instinct was my guide.
As I approached the water I lifted one foot, then slowly lowering it until it hovered just above the surface.
Taking a large breath, I slid my foot down into the beautiful cold clear water.
I felt my facial features relax, heart soared with an immense pleasure that was indescribable.
Rolling up my three quarters, I slowly waded out, deeper, and deeper into water I went until I could stand no longer.
I floated peacefully, listening to the crashing of the waves upon the shore.
I opened my eyes.
I smiled.
Not a forced smile, but a true smile, a joyful smile that had not made an appearance on my face ever before.
I watched the waves twisting and turning like it was made to do before forming its spectacular spirals.
I looked beyond the waves at the picture perfect sun set on the horizon, my future.
I felt it again, the strong feeling in my heart.
It was telling me...
...that I was home again???
Thanks for the tips guys, I'll edit out the the parts you suggested and I may fiddle around with some of the words but do you guys know how to make each scenence appear in a new line because I didn't actually want it to be in a big paragraph, I wanted each scenence on a new line but how do you do that?
xxxx XxNeverisforeverxX
Hey Catherine, nice story, nice feel. It gave a sort of bubbly feeling, only the bubbles were slowly popping into unexistence, in a good way, because right at the end this line:
It was telling me... ...that I was home again...
I smiled and it completely made my day.
You described the whole thing really well, and I actually believed I was part of it...Until it finished.
A few errors in grammar and typos, things like:
I felt my facial features relax, heart soared with an immense pleasure that was indescribable.
I'm pretty sure you wanted a ^my right there didn't you?
I also think you should completely take down the whole Quote by me, it ruins the affect, and the general place of the work.
I also think you should backtrack from I closed my eyes, and start from there, because that's when it actually starts, and we get intrigued.
So in all, you would be deleting this:
Home Again "There's more ways to see then with just our eyes and more things to see then our eyes will ever show us. It's that feeling you get somewhere deep in your heart, because sometimes we can see more with our eyes shut rather than wide open." -Quote by me-
Just a suggestion, because it is your work, so change it or keep it or whatever!
Great pievce in all,
hope to read more of your stuff.
Keep writing,
Toby.
This is so bloody good!!!!!
but one word of advice maybe take out the 'quote by me' thing!!!!!! people might not like it and it sort of throws of the balance.
part it is so good, you actually made me feel like i was there!!!!!
Love Nargles xxxxxxxxx