CHAPTER ONE ~ Prologue

gah.
I'm not too sure that I'll continue this on *this* website...
I'm a terrible writer in the sense that I can only write when I feel like it. ( Not under compulsion)

Sux for me.

-Jojo

Heya, JoJo!

I'm sorry it's taken me a bit of a long time to get to this, but better late than never, eh? I swear, I only get to log onto YWS for five minutes nowadays. Anyways... because I am late, you seem to have already gotten a billion reviews, so I'm not sure how helpful I'll be. With any luck, I'll be able to find at least one thing that hasn't' been mentioned yet.

As a whole, I thought this was pretty good. It could definitely be better, but I think what you have already is a sound beginning. Like the others have said, my favourite part of this is what we can tell of the plot, so far. I'm a big fan of these kind of stories--you know, death, violence, thrillers, secret powers e.t.c. Judging by this prologue, I think this could certainly be a very entertaining and generally good story. Nonetheless, there are things that I think could be improved and such.

You've had quite a few comments on the italics, and I must say that I do agree. You do have a lot of them and they can get annoying. It's not a huge problem, but you should seriously consider revising them. I don't mean to sound rude, but I have no idea how the fact that you're used to writing poetry has anything to do with the amount of italics you use. I mean, the poetry posted on the site is hardly ever in full italics or anything... Anyway, that's kind of unrelated. Let's take some of the instances where you used italics. Dialogue, for example. I think you used italics for every line of dialogue, but I'm really not sure why. The solution's simple... just unitalicize (errr, that's a word) them. That's all it takes. Backspace your heart out.

The one formatting that really bothered me though was your paragraphing. Now, I'm partially OCD, so if something's format is a bit 'off', I go into hysterics and I get distracted easily. That's what happened here. You seem to be starting a new line for every new sentence, but I have no idea why. I get how you may say that it's because of the poetry thing, but still, whenever I write poetry, I don't write it in a prose format because, well, I know it's a poem, so I know the layout should be different. For example, if this was my piece, this is what it would look like:

Tiger here to review, per request!

So, this is an interesting start. Interesting as in, the concept seems very promising, rather Inception-y actually (though perhaps not, I haven't actually watched the movie yet). But as promising as it seems, there are a few nitpicks to be pointed out that other reviewers may or may not have touched upon already.

The Italics...

...are not too bad. In the beginning, they add to the MC's emotion about his (her? I got the impression they were male) dilemma. It's later, and the repetition of them at the beginning of almost every new paragraph that it begins to get annoying and gratuitous. You've mentioned something about being used to poetry, but that's not much of an excuse. I know other YWSers here who write poetry 99.5% of the time, but who can still deliver great prose without adding many touches of their poetic side. So I do sincerely hope that in writing the first chapter, you ignore the past poetry you've written, numb the poetry-efficient part of your mind, and just write some prose.

And it's not in italics, but what's with the block sentence in bold at the prologue's beginning? It's not a direct thought, as it's not in the infamous italics, and it's not a title, because prologues don't have them. On top of that, it has nothing to add to the story which follows. So why is it there?

New Lines

You seem very fond of starting a new line for nearly every sentence at the prologue's ending. Visually, it is distracting.

XxJojoxX wrote:And it'll be me, who wakes up tomorrow morning as if none of this ever happened.
As if I never heard their screaming, never heard their pleading.
Never saw the accidental oil spill that caused the fire in the first place.

Hell, I might even try to act surprised when I hear of the 'sudden tragedy' that occurred while no one was around.
Because I was. And even though I know exactly how those children died, I'll pretend that I don't.
Just to keep myself from dying along with them.

It's been that way for as long as I can remember.

And it'll be me, who wakes up tomorrow morning as if none of this ever happened.
As if I never heard their screaming, never heard their pleading.
Never saw the accidental oil spill that caused the fire in the first place.

-ALL OF THE GRUESOME IMAGES FROM "THE DAYCARE FIRE"--
-"YES, KATY, THIS IS A VERY SAD STORY AND A SUDDEN TRAGEDY TO BEHOLD-..."

Wow this is heavy.
It's good but...
I didn't quite understand it though, I'm just a bit confused about the whole concept of this prologue.

But it was good anyway.

Hi there,jojo
I'm here to review:)
I think your prologue was very creative and had alot of details in it. You really built up the suspense and mystery as the reader dives farther into the story. Overall, I thought it was flawless. And I think you should keep writing and make it into a longer story.

Hey there, Jojo. Here per request. *bows*

So, I won’t sit around nit picking. There really isn’t anything too pick. You have a lovely way of writing. It’s not too simple nor is it too flowery. You have a good balance, something I still haven’t figured out (and I’ve been trying too for a long while).

The one thing I would really recommend is learning when to reveal what you need to reveal. Because this is the prologue, there’s no rush to give anything away. But you do really carry an air of mystery and drama in this. You really held back on giving anything away in this but don’t maintain this too far into the story. I just reviewed a chapter of Skins’s novel “A Shot of Arrogance” and a very key aspect of the story is her characters ethnic background (which is the reason behind the awful business of arranged marriages). She told me later that this important little detail isn’t revealed until chapter 20 or so. So this is really more advice as you keep writing but make sure you pace and appropriately place your details, especially the important ones.

If you have any questions, let me know. Sorry if this wasn’t the most in depth but you do seem to have received quite a few very thorough reviews already.

Happy Writing!

~lilymoore

First. My nitpick.

A few tripping over trays, banging pots together, and ran toward each other with those sweet smiles.



"Ran" should be "running."

As requested.

I suppose it will suffice to say that this was interesting. Very Kafkaesque, in a way. But, then again, it is very different from anything he wrote. Unless this is based off of some tributary of Inception, I'd say this is original - so far. We'll see. I have a strict sense of unorthodoxy.

First. My nitpick.

A few tripping over trays, banging pots together, and ran toward each other with those sweet smiles.

Hey there JoJo I really like the prolouge it was good. I can really feel that your character feels guilty about those kids. You should try adding more imagery so readers can get a better sense of the setting. You have a lot of inner thinking from the character try letting her hear what the kids are saying it will make the dream seem more real. Thanks for asking for my help, appreciate it.

Yours Truley,
Lana Brown

Hey there, Jojo pie! (Sorry I randomly name people)

Here to review as requested and I hope I could be of some REAL help. Even though some great reviewers have come to your rescue already, I'll try my level best to help you out. And as for the cover---it's rocking, and I really liked the title, too. It really makes me interested to know what this story is going to be about.

I do get you now. I really think that italics have been over-used more than a bit, and even though in suspense thrillers' novels it's usually great to see italics and memory flash backs, but you'll have to definitely go less with them and really like stop. Besides that I really know that you can pull off without italics and mostly the sentences which were italicized were not something related to the past and so therefore you could have done without them also. I mean, mostly the inner thoughts or things from the past are italicized and I don't think what you had were any of the two. But still it's a writer's creativity and approach and you have a full permission to choose the format you want. Besides that I'd also say that since it was her POV, there wasn't much going on actually, so her thoughts(the ones you italicized) were in no need of been given this treatment.

My other point here would be that although you gripped our interests and I really liked the way you began and how the things went on, it was all the while her thoughts or the telly things. But according to me, the fire scene could have had so much to be describing. I mean, all the while we knew that there were some children who were going to be affected by this tragedy and that's mainly because you told us this. But what about showing? What I think that could have made your story was creating a scene. I really didn't see anything in my mind. And as the great Kakagirl says writing is all about making a picture with words. I know you can do it, judging by the thrill you created for us, but honestly, I felt a bit lost all the while.

Now other thing would be that your story's ending was much more interesting than the beginning. But it should be that both of them are interesting. I mean there was mention of some fire and I really was keen to know if she/he was going to be affected by the fire or not, but for a description lover like me, the story really felt apart when you went ahead. Anyways, it can be just me, and also seriously speaking prologues are mostly simple and it was a very good attempt considering that it was your first time writing prose.

But I have to give you the credit for the news clipping you wrote about. It just seemed interesting. Also more than the emotional pain she was feeling, I wanted to know that if there was any physical pain to her or not. I am mentioning this because it seems like there's some realm transition story in this one and if it is so I was keen to know whether going into that world has some physical impact or control on her or not. Not a brilliant thing to ask, but I was just curious.

Anyways, sorry for rather a hopeful review.

Hello there Jojo!

Although you have been a solid YWSer for almost a year, I still didn't know you were more into poetry than stories. Shame on me. *headdesk*

Considering this is your first shot (or the second time) in writing a story, I enjoyed reading this. Yes, this creates a thrilling atmosphere as far as the story can go, but I think this prologue lacks depth. At first, your main character is describing that upcoming fire, but it's a little bit confusing because I want to know the place he is exactly standing. Or even the place before that. I'm just curious because his thoughts and reactions aren't that sufficient, especially there's that something that pulls him not to tell that there's a fire. Speaking about your character, this leads to my second point. As of now, I couldn't say that the MC's a girl or the opposite- though I guess it's a boy- but still, his personality is quite a blur. You might want to fix that.

And for the sake of the prologue's realism, I'm wondering where the setting is. Maybe in a ship because of the oil spill? I don't know. And why weren't there any adult to guide the children? Also, it's a good spice in your piece if the main character was giving off some thoughts or any thinking of the possible suspects of the said "sudden incident". If this is an accident, then I couldn't see any point why you should continue the story. But anyways, you should remember that prologues are the ones attracting and motivating your readers to crave more of your stories.

Also, I want to comment on the story format. It's inconsistent as I can see, especially that you need spaces after a dialogue. That's just a minor thing though, so onwards. ^^ Grammar wise, I like how you kept the prologue pretty simple, and that's one of the reason why I like this. It's easy to comprehend and doesn't involve too much of descriptions and blah blah blah. Buy just like what I've said, you can dig deeper into the soil. Make this stronger and it'll be better.

All in all, I enjoyed this. I hope I didn't sound that rude or harsh. Anyways, everything is based entirely on my opinions. Let me know if you have any questions.

Keep writing,
Yuri

So this is your plan, eh? Ask me to review a piece that already has a bunch of reviews on it? Haha, just teasing.

I liked this a lot! You can tell that your a poet, for sure! You have really great cover design skills! (Not sure what those are called...but it's cool!)

I think the way you have your prolougue set up is a tiny bit confusing for those of a more simple mind. Your novel is called Chapter one. She's reading a book? I'm not sure if anyone else noticed that but it kinda confused me. Put more spacing and more derectivity to fix that.

There's not really much else to say. Sorry for the worst review ever!

Thanks for the reviews!
Really helpful!!!
-Jojo

Hi there, JoJo!

So here to review! This is quite a short prologue so I don't think my review will be of much help. Also, you've gotten some pretty good, solid reviews already so again, that make this even hard to think of anything new in which to help you improve this prologue.

With that said, I want to start off by telling you what I liked about this. Firstly, you did a great job at building a tense, mysterious and definitely interesting prologue. I like how serious it was and how you were easily able to get your points across without giving it too much flashy details and what not. I admire that. It's hard to get a feel using short words and sentences and you did that quite well so congrats. ^^

Also, I totally like your novel cover. It's cool...just thought I'd let you know.
Now, as far as the formating goes, it's nothing too bad. The fact that you're more of poet can be easily read through your words and the way you formated the first few paragraphs. It's nothing bad, really but you'll have to be aware in the future to not make your paragraphs like poetry. Since it's the prologue and it reads in that sort of dramatic way, it's all good but just keep an eye out.

Overall, you did a fantastic job and the plot that you have built and the idea you have cooking is very interesting. I'm sure you'll catch a lot of attention with this one because I haven't seen anything like this done before so it's nice to see some new, fresh ideas like this. ^___^
Keep up the good work and if you have any other questions, just shoot me a message and I'll try to help out in any way.

All the best,
-Shear

The name of the novel is Chapter One. Lol?

This is really good, I haven't got much to say because of me not reading it all, but so far, I'm enjoying it. Can I just ask what the actual name of the novel is, because it's confusing for most people that it's called Chapter one. Sorry for being picky, well done.

--> Hello, Jojo! This is a great prologue! Like it! I dunno, I just couldn't give you a feedback about grammars etc because I was just a writer nazi- not a grammar nazi, lol!! :3 and anyway, about your prologue. Great! It was very intriguing, I even wonder why "Chapter One" was the title ( it's a very unique title anyway!) Maybe, because you are comparing the lead character's experience (which was stated in the first part of the prologue) to a chapter one. Your cover says that this is a thriller, so it means it's a horror story? Will the children's ghost hunt her down for not telling that she knew about the oil spill? Aww- well, can't wait to find out!

love,
CS

And then titling this piece "Chapter One: Prologue" is a bit backwards; prologues come before any chapters, usually just to serve as a bit of an info-giver or a hook.

Hey Jojo, here as requested!

Okay, so overall I think this is a brilliant concept. It's got quite the potential for becoming a great story, and I've no doubt that you'll keep it up and fulfill that potential!

My only issue is really in the formatting. From your spoiler, it looks like you're used to writing poetry more? Anyway, for this to be in story form, you've got a lot of extra paragraphs in here. And then centering certain lines just adds to the confusion. So, my suggestion would be to simply banish all poetry thoughts from your head and instead focus on what you've seen when you read novels; how do they separate their paragraphs? Not every line, that's for sure.

Also, the bit at the end was rather confusing. Between the dialogue being in italics and the switch in setting (which I also can't picture), it was hard to get a good grasp of what was happening. Was this some kind of a flashback? Something that happened after the fire? Was this part of the prologue, or is it the beginning of chapter one?

And then titling this piece "Chapter One: Prologue" is a bit backwards; prologues come before any chapters, usually just to serve as a bit of an info-giver or a hook.

But really, those are all pretty minor issues. For the piece itself and what you're going for, it's excellent. Please let me know when you post more! Keep up the great work.

Hey there Jojo!

Thanks for the request.

First of all, congrats on this great piece of work! First try? Kudos to you!

I thought this piece was fantastic, but I read it twice to make sure I understood. At first, I didn't understood who was narrating, I thought it was a ghost. I went back, read, and now I get it

This is quite intriguing. You give the right amount of description and detail, but leave more than enough mystery to keep us coming back for more.

The only issue I have is with the 'after prologue'. I'm not sure what the point of it is. I don't understand anything and the flow of it fell off to me. Almost as if it was added by mistake, because it doesn't follow the style of the prologue, you know?

Other than that, I have to thank you for this fantastic read. Kudos to you!

Tanya

My dear Jojo... I'm here at last. Gotten over the reviewer's block and back with reviewing.

First are some nitpicks:

"<no space>Move! Get outta here!"

And this meant more blood on my hands<space>- even though I didn't do anything.

And, unfortunately, my dream was their reality.<space>It's been that way for as long as I can remember.

Hell, I might even try to act surprised when I hear of the 'sudden tragedy' that occurred while no one was around. <right here>
Because I was. And even though I know exactly how those children died, I'll pretend that I don't.
Just to keep myself from dying along with them.

--ALL OF THE GRUESOME IMAGES FROM "THE DAYCARE FIRE"--
-"YES, KATY, THIS IS A VERY SAD STORY AND A SUDDEN TRAGEDY TO BEHOLD-..."

Thanks so much for the suggestions. I totally see where you are coming from!
Thank you.
Really appreciate it.
My poet side won't let me go..* cries*
lol
-----------------
-Jojo

This...is just really kinda epic. I love it! And the name of the book is awesome, I love that even more. I don't know why, but something about 'Chapter One' just really got me suddenly more interested. Maybe it's because it's different, unique, and doesn't make any sense, which is a good thing, it makes people want to read your book because they want to find out what it means.

But enough about the title, lets get on with the story itself!

First of all, you can deffinatley tell that your a poet; it is all over you writing. Which isn't necessary a bad thing, it actually helps to color up your words, but don't let it get out of control, there is such thing as too much description. But not only can I see the poet in your words, I can see it in your grammar. Your sentences are all separated like they're all in a different paragraph; that's only in poetry dear. Except for paragraphs, they only need to be separated by a space.
And you also use italics way too much, they need to be use more sparingly, only written for great emphasis or when someone is thinking. You do not need to write in italics when someone is speaking, quotation marks will do just fine by themselves. Also, you only simply need to make a new paragraph when some one new starts talking, you do not need to keep indenting it further (like you did with the last part when the two guys were talking)

Here's just a couple nit-pics I have picked out:

I tried screaming.
" Move! Get outta here!"
A feeling of annoyance and anger overwhelmed me, because I knew they couldn't hear me.
But I was also partially annoyed at myself.

'Cause I wasn't screaming so that they could survive, either.

And I'll pretend that I don't know that which I know all too well.
So I can sit with everyone else as the news reporters just replay to me what I've already seen.

--ALL OF THE GRUESOME IMAGES FROM "THE DAYCARE FIRE"--
-"YES, KATY, THIS IS A VERY SAD STORY AND A SUDDEN TRAGEDY TO BEHOLD-..."

Thanks so much for the reviews!
I guess that the whole "poetry spacing" thing is an old habit of mine.I've been an amateur poet up until now.
Hard to kick.lol
Thank you so much.
I'll try to post more when I get the chance.

---------------------
-Jojo

First off, love the cover. I have no idea how you did it, but don't change it.

This is a prime example of why I hate reading on websites like this. I have to wait days or weeks to find out what happens next. The whole thing gave me that itchy feeling I get when I have an idea or need to know what happens (don't ask, thats just how I work).

I just have one question, is the prologe a poem or in paragraph form? I'm no expert at poetry, but it sounds more like paragraphs but the way it's set up is like a poem. Really, I have no idea if that is good, bad, or how you intended it. Actually, I like it. Poems tend to suit prologes just because they make everything seem more mysterious and dramatic.

One last thing, I please keep that last bit at the end. It made me smile.

Sorry about the lack of critisizm, but I couldn't find much to critisize. Please keep this going!

Wow. I really liked this, sounds interesting. It has a good gripper and if it were a complete novel I would want to read it.
It's really good for your first try too. Nice cover as well, shows some artistic skill.

No grammar or anything, nothing serious, but a suggestion:

Never saw the exact moment when the fire engulfed them in a blanket of red.
Best if not centered, like everything else.

And I'll pretend that I don't know that which I know all too well.
So I can sit with everyone else as the news reporters just replay to me what I've already seen.

Hell(not really needed to be italicized), I might even try to act surprised when I hear of the 'sudden tragedy' that occurred while no one was around.
Because I was. "Was" is better italicized than "I".