Raven Exceltineous was strange. He was like one of those old guys in the movies with the haunted house that liked to scare little kids. But different. Raven didn't dare go near children, because Raven was a hermit. Anything that involved people made him extremely uncomfortable. His house was six stories high, making it the tallest in the neighborhood. He only came out of his house at midnight, when all the people were off the streets. And just like Raven, everyone was afraid of him. Especially one day when something very suspicious went on at his mansion at 11:00 pm on a Saturday night....
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay, well that was a pretty interesting piece there, I am having a tiny bit of a hard time figuring out exactly what it is meant to be however. It doesn't look to be long enough to stand as a first chapter, but I don't know if its meant to be a prologue either nor does it have the vibe of something like a blurb.
Soo...that aside, lemme get right to what I think of the actual content going on here. It looks like we're focusing mainly on this one fairly eccentric character here, well, its there in the title itself that this is a person considered to be a bit "strange" aaand well, it presents a pretty interesting idea there...it certainly adds to the story there with this person being someone whose not a fan of well...people in general...although the ending there, makes things just a teensy bit confusing.
It seems like something that's attempting to be a sort of cliffhanger there...buuut its not terribly clear exactly what occurs and it cuts off kind of abruptly, I get that perhaps this is kind of the point here, but also it just doesn't seem to be a very good point to end there. At any rate, it was an interesting little piece, and it seems like a story that I'd potentially read.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there Katz! Well, I would say that this needs a lot of work, but almost entirely in one area - it needs more...more-ness.
This has promise, but you're rushing it and condensing it so extremely that we don't really get the chance to see it unravel and unfold. You've found an idea with some potential, but you've got to make sure that you take your time and show, instead of tell.
"He was like one of those old guys in the movies with the haunted house that liked to scare little kids. But different. Raven didn't dare go near children, because Raven was a hermit."
Here, I have quite a few nitpicks. Your style is very lax and nonchalant, and while that can work, you also have to rein it in a little and give it some artistry. Plus, I feel like most people who live in scary houses and try to spook kids do, in fact, not want to be anywhere near children (why else would they scare them off?) so I felt as though that was a bit contradictory.
"And just like Raven, everyone was afraid of him."
I see what you're saying but you've mixed up pronouns so it sounds as though he's scared of himself.
And, most importantly, detail. This is the skeleton of what could be a great story, but it needs more flesh. Give us time to let things unravel; let us have the time to get a better idea of the whole story. This is really condensed, and so your biggest task will be to add more to it.
Keep writing, and best wishes! xx
Welcome to YWS Katz!
This is a very short piece, which can limit how much I can say about it.
This second and third sentences should be combined to form one single sentence. As it is now, you read the first sentence, then the second sentence contradicts everything about the first sentence. Then the third sentence kind of hangs there.
By combining the second and third sentences, the new sentence will only contradict part of the first sentence, instead of all of it like it was before.
I think you were describing the house, but you referred to the house as a him, instead of an it, which confused me.
Overall the story was very simple, but simple is good for people that are just getting started. As you write more and more, you'll become more comfortable with the technical aspects of writing. So, please continue practicing.
Make sure to add to the story!