I woke up with a heavy feeling over my head. My cat, Lemon, was sleeping on my head again. I carried Lemon and layed her on my pillow so I can get ready to go to school. I was dressed and ready to go to school! I carried my bookbag to the kitchen and layed it on the floor so I can take the time to go to the store to get a soda. The door bell rang and my older sister, Danille, opened the door.
"Hey Mia!", Christy yelled.
" Hey Chris. Hold on a minute, I'm almost done okay?"
" Okay."
Running around the kitchen, I took my toast, grabbed my bookbag, took my brush, and rushed out the door. Me and Christy ran out my backyard to take the shortcut to school.
" Hey Mia, have you heard of the new student?",Christy said.
"No."
" Well he is really,really cute!", Christy said with a little squeaky voice that can actually make my ears bleed like hell itself.
" Chris, you think all the guys at our school is cute. You even think the teachers are cute, so please try to describe better than that unless you don't want to talk at all."
"Well you just nevered liked anyone, nor did you have a boyfriend", she said while giggling.
We cut through the forest and jumped over the school gate. Then we ran to the back door and we were already in school in a matter of 5 minutes. Me and Chris found this shortcut when we were in our second year in the middle school. We always never really did talk to any one other than ourselves. Chris has been my best friend since the 3rd grade. While walking in the hallway, we were pushed and shoved by a crowd of girls.
" What's the problem now?", I asked.
" I think its the new kid. This is his second day hes been here and he became ultra popular ever since. Its sad that we can't see his f-...Are you listening to me Mia?", Chris asked.
" Nope because most of the things you say are just crap."
" No! Your wrong!"
Then I gave Chris a little stare.
"Okay, maybe thats true, but most of the crap I say are important!"
"Fine", I said, to end this little fight.
But Chris was right. I couldn't see the new kids face. Though I bet he's a snob. Most cute guys are jerks these days. They just use their charms on retarded people, like Christy. But its normal that way. It's how the cycle goes. Thank god I haven't seen this guy's face.
"How does this guy look like?", I asked Chris while walking to class.
"Well hes super cute!"
"You said that already..."
"At least you know something about him, right?"
"Nevermind, your just being difficult."
"He has really dark hair. Also his eyes are blue."
Dark hair and blue eyes? That doesn't make sense...He's like an alien to me so far. But that type of style is weird. I never heard of such combination. Though it just could be a hair dye or colored contacts. I'm not sure.
"Hey Mia, guess what?", Chris said with a excited voice that scares me the most...
"What?"
"This new student of ours, has four classes with us!"
I than sighed and said, "Oh lord, hell is coming."
We walked to our first class. All the girls was pushing and shoving. I'm guessing the snob was in our first period class. Walking through the door, I stand corrected. He was there. Chris hurried and ran to him. Three girls were blocking her like body guards or something.
" Don't get near him you unworthy retard!", the "leader" of the girls said.
Chris then grabbed my hand and tossed that girl in the corner. I guess I've should've warned them about Christy's impatience. Well thats a mistake they might not make...ever.
" I'll make sure you meet him!", Chris yelled.
" No, I don't want to meet him."
" And why not?"
" Because I...just don't care."
Chris let go of my hand. I went and turned around. But I bumped into someone and fell. Dammit! Why are so many people so stinking clumsy?! I took a second look, and it was that guy! His hair was dark, and with shining blue eyes. He was tall, his face was one stunning view.
"I'm sorry.", he said.
"It's...o-okay."
"What's is your name?"
"Mia."
" Cool, my name is Vincent. Nice to meet you, Mia.", he said while helping me up on my feet.
Wow, he was cute. But, sadly, he's probably those cute pretty boys who takes advantage of their looks to trick girls like me. I picked up my stuff and shoved Vincent out of my way. Damn! I bet that was one of the biggest mistakes I had ever made.
End of Chapter 2! 
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I'm sorry, but I don't love it. It's alright, but I just don't see a point. I bet you have something in mind, though, so just ingnore me.
I don't like using heavy twice. Try to mix up your adjectives. Or, just change the wording a bit. It seemed awkward to me. It should be "Christy and I." Also, instead of "ran out my backyard" say something like "Ran out the door and through the backyard." Again, Christy and I.Hello again!
Well, I'm glad to see this chapter longer. Please do two reviews. Please, you should have done 4 already because of your two story posts. Go to the Welcome forum for any questions about the rules.
Nitpicks!
This sounds funny. I would change it to:
"something heavy on my head."
Can should be could because you are using past tense.
This reminds me of a little kid who can't wait for school. Since this is not her personality you should change it. Something like this:
After I was dressed and ready for school, I went downstairs.
I don't get this part...
Dialogue Punctuation. It should be:
"Hey Mia!" Christy yelled.
You don't need the space. Shoud be:
"Hey Chris... (so on)"
You don't need the space.
Should be "Christi and I"
Should be:
Have you heard about the new student?"
No space.
No space. I won't do the rest of the "no spaces" just change it.
Take out the comma.
Comma then quotation marks.
Chris and I
Your should be: You're
he's
then
Yes, well that's it...
Overall
- Pretty good, it is getting interesting. But to me it seems more romantic than fantasy. I can't wait to see what kind of fantasy elements you put in it.
- Two reviews. The more you review the more reviews you get.
- Personality. For Mia I think her personality changes throughout this chapter. In the beginning she seems like an innocent, high schooler and then bam! She is full of curses and ignorance. Why are Mia and Christy friends if they are so different? These are good places to add description.
- Chracters. You got down their personalities but what about their image? How do they look???
- So, it was pretty good but it needs some work overall.
Hope this helps!
~Storm