I'm so tired of a dream that keeps repeating. Everyday, I dream of a face I had never seen in my life.All I've seen was that this guy...was going to die. He was awfully handsome. But in that same dream, I see him getting shot and stabbed. Oh how I wish I could help that guy.
As the thunder hit and the sharp stabbing had ended, he would cry in pain. There was a woman hiding behind the trees with a tear on her face. Watching him suffer, and just walk away and left him for dead. Such a fate that could end a life that I had no idea it happen. Something is telling me that something bad is about to happen and I'm involved in it. This won't be good. Nor will it be fine with me.
End of Chapter 1
Note: Sorry if this chapter is short. I promise that chapter two will be much much longer! >w<
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayyy I have mixed feelings here on this particular piece on first glance. On one hand, this is quite a intriguing premise here. There's certainly more than enough here to really get your attention as a reader right from the get go and then hold that attention quite well. You do also definitely find yourself wanting to know more and read on. The issue here does lie in the fact that this is a first chapter. As something of a blurb or probably even something like a prologue, this looks like it will genuinely work wonders. But I don't know if this really has enough content to work as a first chapter.
While this is interesting and it gets your attention, it doesn't really set up a story or introduce the story in the way that a first chapter is meant to. So overall I'd say this is a good start, its a solid premise, it really does work quite nicely as the starting point of a story, but its just that you've gotta expand a lot more on this if you really want to make things work as a first chapter here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey I'm Mia.
This is way too small to be a chapter, it's not even really long enough to be a short story, it's only two paragraphs! :S
On to the very short review..
You keep changing tenses throughout this piece and it is very confusing to read. During the dream, stick to present since you're describing something that's recurring. Then in the other parts talk in the past. I've made the necessary arrangements for you:
Descriptions
Describe alot more! This will make your chapter much longer and much more interesting. Describe what the handsome guy looks like and why you think he is so handsome. Describe the woman in more detail, describe the dream a bit more... just describe everything in much more detail. This makes your story much more interesting and the reader will want to read on.
Characters
I can't say anything here because you did not give us any insight into her character at all. Give us details about her! What does she look like? What is her character like? I understand that this is just the first chapter, but a bit of information about the main character is always important.
Plot
Again, can't say much about this since this is only the first chapter. The dream did sort of tell us about the story and it seems interesting.
Add more description, and this could be very good! I would enjoy reading more of it.
PM me if you need any more reviews/if you have any questions.
xxMiaxx
Hi!
I agree with what has already been said (sorry to repeat) but you want to make it longer/elaborate. Apart from that, it seems really intriguing (and anyway, I love a story with a good-looking guy!) and I definitely hope chapter two will be longer! Maybe you're waiting to give more detail in the next part, but I also agree that this could be the prologue, or the opening to chapter one, and after this bit you go into more depth into appearances and other stuff like that.
I thought these two sentences were... hmm. I think that's the best way to describe it! You might want to reconsider your punctuation choices, and especially the wording in the second one. It doesn't make sense!
Other than that, I really liked it! Short and sweet but definitely sticky like glue... and I'm stuck! I want to know what happens next!
Hiya! Welcome to YWS!!!
Please do two reviews for every story you post. That way things get reviewed and forums don't get really crowded.
Nitpick!
I think there is only one! *gasp*
Space between All and the period.
That's all.
Nah, I agree with Bickazer. This was much too short. You could add more depth to it by using description, imagery, similes, metaphors, and so on. This would be more like a prologue if you added a little more to it. Describe the man, how was he handsome? How did the narrator feel when that woman left him to die? Adding more description would make it way better. This would be a good prologue. It's intriguing and make us want to read more...
Hope this helps!
~Storm
Hi, Ghost (can I just call you that?)! Welcome to YWS.
So get out and give a review or two, all right?
A few things--first of all, I notice you haven't reviewed anyone else's works here yet. The general rule here is that you review two other stories before posting your own.
Speaking about this chapter...it's intriguing, but it's much too short. Short enough to almost be a preface or even a blurb, instead of a chapter. The thing is, though, you can elaborate this chapter--a lot. Describe the dream. Go in depth. What exactly does the guy in the dream look like? Describe his surroundings, describe him getting shot and stabbed, describe the narrator reacting in horror, describe the woman who's watching. That's very easy to do--instead of just telling us about the narrator's dreams, why not begin the scene right in the middle of the dream, like we're there and witnessing it, and show us everything that happens? If I read a story that began like that, I know I'd be interested enough to read further.
This does seem like a promising start, though; it just needs plenty more detail. Good luck revising, and I'm interested to see more.