Kills Me

Ummmmm...
Ok, I'm going to be COMPLETELY honest. This poem really doesn't do much for me. It lacks the emotion that makes the reader relate PERSONALLY to the writing. The thing is, everyone in the WORLD could relate to this in some way shape or form. Add some details...like tell what you said to him/her and his/her reaction. Did he reject you harshly? Or did he let you down softly?
There is a lot of detail that could be added here to make it about YOU.

Some good points have been made, and I apologise in advance for reiterating what's already been said;
Firstly, I'd omit the spaces, and change your font to regular, as it's more appealing. As a generaly rule, I'd suggest not using bold or putting spaces between each line unless it's essential to the subject of the poem, and it will only ever be so very rarely, if ever.

The flow is very good here, and you handle enjambment well, but I think that, overall, it reads more like a journal entry than anything else. This is a common subject, and, with common subjects, you need to work harder to make it fresh. I'd suggest using imagery and metaphors, and attempting to engage the senses through description. Reading poetry will help you.

Finally, poetry takes time and practise. Just keep at it and you'll keep getting better. I hope this helps.

Jas

I'm sorry, but it wasn't very good and I think it was toooooo much spacing.
Also, you should ahve continued it and had put more sentences instead of alot of lines.
It was well thought out but didn't make the reader feal at all, or at least I didn't.
Put more descriptive words in it and REALLY make the reader fael what you feal and so on.
Other than that, I liked, just redo it and maybe you'll do better and you might even like it better than the orginal, k?
shanan-cat!

I liked it! It was very teenage but I like it. Its how i feel rght now. Keep it up because if this one of your first then show us what you got!! GOOD LUCK

Hey everyone. Thanks for reviewing and telling me what I did wrong =]
That is actually one of my first poems. I haven't written many

LOVED IT

maybe its because i can relate to it like 100%, and it was really nice to see someone else write about something like this. I wrote i poem similar to it but its a bit longer. Check it out and write what you think. Its called mixed signals.

Keep up the good work
T

I like it but only leave one space between each lines. Why did you put double spaces that is stupid. But like your poem. SimonCowellLuver

This is too general to incite any kind of feeling in a person. It's all in the "not being able to do anything" that will evoke something. A motivational speaker could say "My sister died" and just that simple statement probably won't prokoke much in the audience. But if she were to go on and detail how her sister died, what their relationship was like, and how that's affected her, it's likely to affect everyone in the audience as well.

How can you use this example to improve your poem? Describe how the narrator felt when he wasn't able to do anything, how exactly it kills him. It'll be all the difference between hearing a rumour of an event and actually standing there, helpless.

This applies to the rest of the poem as well. Vague words like "things" and "how I really feel" (How do "you" really feel?) and verbs in the infinitive (ex: to do, to see, to be, etc.) don't give any more than an outline.

A quick note on format: bold, double spaced lines do little for any poem, not just this one, except for irk the reader.

This is more like dialogue then poetry. I think that this is your motive (a cliche motive at that) but that you haven't put it into poem form yet. You need to take these words and then make a poem. Not out of them. But out of the subject you put out for yourself. Putting it in bold and in some format doesn't make it poetry. PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything!

Best of luck!
~Rieda

If you're going for cliche self-absorbed teenage angst, then A++.

If not, there's a problem.

Prok

Not bad, but you should leave out the space between lines.