I have something to admit to. That day, when you were talking to that one girl in our classroom, I was eavesdropping on you. You, who was already rather unapproachable, were engaging in a conversation with the one friend you trusted, and you were talking about the season of autumn. I heard you say, “I hate fall.” Your reasons were rather peculiar, but they also angered me. “Everything’s changing, the leaves, the weather, the people.”
I was mad because I thought that you just didn’t want to put forth the effort to change. You would just continue being what you were, even though deep inside, there was a part of you that wanted to change with everything else, but you couldn’t muster the courage to do so.
When we first met, I had already gained a strong dislike for you. I was the one in the after school detention because of the days of school I had missed (avoiding bullies, of course, but no one else realized that), and you were the one who wounded up staying after because your grades were almost as low as my self-esteem.
I didn’t want to talk to you. I already knew you weren’t very kind, and you were rather disrespectful to most people, so I wanted to keep my distance.
But you just insisted on picking on me, on being rude to the nerd who wished to be left alone.
At first, I didn’t really say anything back. Occasionally, I’d laugh, or flash a smile at your statements. Sometimes you’d get mad at these reactions. I assume you figured no reaction was better than any at all, because that would mean I was probably hurt and didn’t want to reply. I didn’t think I was, but now I know: I was great at pretending.
When the principal, along with the one officer whose name I can’t recall, approached us, the after school detention kids as a last resort, I was really shocked, and I didn’t want to participate. It wasn’t my responsibility, but theirs. However, I had to take up on the offer when they said they would automatically pass me, despite my absences.
I didn’t really like our group at first, but I eventually ended up taking part in the activities, anyway. We were some weird gang of kids who were gonna solve a murder mystery just so we could get through high school, some weird kids who didn’t know what they were doing, and us in particular?
We were the weird kids who fought too often.
We’d tear each other up, emotionally and mentally rip each other into pieces, until there was nothing left. Oddly enough, we’d come back each time, a tacit apology that was better left unspoken.
We were the weird kids who fell in love.
But now, I regret it. I hate doing this. I hate everything about this. God, why couldn’t they find another group of kids? What did we do to deserve this?
Holding you like this, trying to tighten that already firm grasp on your nearly-limp hand, I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to protect you one last time, but I don’t know how. I’m already losing it, I’m already losing you, the one I had fought so many times, but grew an unreasonable admiration for.
There’s only one last thing to do now, and that’s admitting it.
I hate fall, too.
But I hate you so much more, Roth,
and I hate the fact that I can’t tell you how untrue that statement is.
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139,354 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hey, Turtle. Awsome story you got here, for some strange reason it reminds me a lot of my personal life. I mean, how people don't like it when I laugh in response to their cruel jokes and teasing. I'm going to guess it wasn't very hard for you to write this story. But seriously love the work but a TON of gramar issues. For example "and I hate the fact that I can’t tell you how untrue that statement is." You made an entirely new paragraph in the middle of a sentence. I love how you said that she couldn't get the courage to change with everything elese because that is so true in todays society. Laters, LadyRanicorn out!!!:)
Hi there PresidentTurtles! You're my four-hundredth review! Hooray!
To be totally honest, this doesn't really feel like a story. It feels more like an entry out of someone's diary. It's more of an overview of somebody's emotions and history with a person, so there's actually not really a well-developed plot line nor is there anything that feels remotely story like here. I think that the biggest issue here is that with all telling, there is no showing and the piece loses any story like qualities it may have even remotely possessed.
After reading your response to Yam's review, I understand that this small story is part of something much bigger. Next time, you might want to consider adding a short blurb at the beginning explaining to the reader what they're missing. That way, any reviews you get might be more helpful. I would definitely be able to help you more if I knew in what context this pseudo-story belongs.
Either way, some ideas weren't very clear and I only realized them rather belatedly. For example, I didn't get until it was explicitly stated near the end that the protagonist is speaking about a love interest. The combination of some sort of weird hatred and crazy love is, frankly, bizarre. Sometimes, people can get away with successfully conveying the stereotypical love/hate relationship that is so enigmatic and intriguing to some, but it can be hard to do and it takes skill. There needs to be more emotion but you can't do that without some substance. It would be good to flesh out the relationship between the two characters by giving examples, like detailing important moments they shared together. That way, you're not explicitly saying, "You made me sad when you did this" but it is the action, the event, that speaks for what the protagonist feels towards Roth. The expression, "Actions speak louder than words" is very applicable in this scenario.
The biggest thing is that your pseudo-story is lacking clarity. It's not good to realize the love interest too late in a story. I think that this is mostly due to you wanting to relay different types of messages all at once. I urge you to take the time to flesh this out. That way, you give your readers time to understand. You would also end up making the whole thing a little more like a story
Overall, I found this confusing and not worthy of being a proper story. It's almost like the summary at the back of a novel. Nevertheless, there is potential to flesh out the relationship a bit more, giving everything a little more backbone and substance.
Thanks for the nice read!
Best,
Lav
This is Yams here for a review!
I have mixed feelings on this whole thing. Basically the whole short story is talking towards a person named Roth. And the way it's written, this is real events?
At the beginning I was unsure. But now? I'm pretty sure I love this. I'd call it more of a letter than a short story maybe? Or maybe it's just that, a short story.
The way you chose to use the style where the character is looking back on it and retelling the events, we never get a real taste for the characters in action, but I feel like I still know them. I can't find more reasons to complain, but I loved the ending.
Have a great day!
Hello, Yams! Thank you so much for leaving a review!
This drabble isn't a real event. It's something I wrote for a project my friend @coehl is writing. I don't know if she's posting the chapters on here or not, but if you like the idea, please feel free to check out her account as well!
I can see your thinking on how it could be classified as a letter. When I first wrote it, I felt more like he was thinking. Then again, I guess it can't really be classified as a short story, either, because there's a bigger plot behind the story that isn't told in the piece itself. I really like the way you thought more in-depth about what it is, though! It definitely strikes up the question of what genre this is piece is considered.
Anyway, thanks again for the review! It is much appreciated! Have a nice day!