Deleted post. Yes, it's deleted, because I'm rewriting it. Get over it 
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wow, thanks! I'm glad you liked it. Also, Pink, the chapter in all, not counting the first part, is about ten thousand words. I thought it wise to break it up. Thanks for the silent applause!
~Spiral
Hey, Pink here!
First of all, welcome to YWS! (hope you like it here).
So I'm going to review this short piece for you today.
First thing I noticed was this length. If your first chapter is around 1500 words don't be afraid to post the whole thing.
Alright, also when I was reading I noticed that some of your sentences are very short, try combining a few of them together. Doing that makes the flow of your work easier to read.
Your grammar and punctuation was great, good job!
This was an interesting start and I can't wait to see where this story line is going.
Keep writing!
~Pink
You know how much I love this story, my dear friend! You shouldn't break it up! But it is your choice.
I didn't catch any nitpicks, though im sure the others will. All I can say is, good start to your book, and post more!
The Jessica thing...hehe...nice.
~Shaard