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[War]

by Wulie


The night dissolves beneath me,
I awake to the atmosphere of war,
The house shaking,
Beneath the rumble of the planes.

Voices rise between my family,
Tears adorned with fear,
Lives broken with terror,
Shards of glass remain glistening.

Guns shots echo through the air,
Innocent lives snatched,
Statistics rise, anger swirls,
This is life, this is pain

Poltions safe behind their guards,
Soldiers naked to the violence,
The TV says to kill,
So they must say goodbye and leave

Silence never comes, screaming voices
Echo through the house,
Empty threats embrace a new day,
There will never be peace.

----------------------------------------------------------

Hm not to sure on this just would like your comments on it so go forth and tear it apart :)!


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Mon Oct 06, 2008 2:32 am
1993vlad@gmail.com wrote a review...



The night dissolves beneath me,
I awake to the atmosphere of war,
The house shaking,
Beneath the rumble of the planes.


Voices rise between my family,--------------------------------family--house
Tears adorned with fear,
Lives broken with terror,
Shards of glass remain glistening.

Guns shots echo through the air,
Innocent lives snatched,
Statistics rise, anger swirls,
This is life, this is pain

Poltions safe behind their guards,
Soldiers naked to the violence,
The TV says to kill,
So they must say goodbye and leave

Silence never comes, screaming voices
Echo through the house,---------------------------------family--house
Empty threats embrace a new day,
There will never be peace.


i guess your saying that our government sux- and they don't protect the people like they should




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Fri Oct 03, 2008 8:44 pm
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lordgluzman says...



Great...I really liked it.




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Fri Feb 04, 2005 9:13 am
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Liz says...



Hmmm...a tough subject to write about because of all the baggage you have to deal with. I quite liked it, I just think it needed a little more to it because it's such a common topic for writers.




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Fri Jan 28, 2005 5:19 pm
Bobo says...



I like how you use a metaphor of war to illustrate the fighting in your family. It really makes the point and draws us a picture that simple explanation wouldn't. Keep on writing!




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Fri Jan 28, 2005 2:02 pm
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Chevy wrote a review...



Silence never comes screaming voices,

Did you mean,
Silence never comes through screaming voices (?)
I don't know, I could be wrong...either way I liked this line.
I also agree with Mesh. this is a very difficult subject. It's very hard because it'll either turn out to be really sappy or really cheesy...however succeeded above that and did a great job. I liked the meaning of this poem--it meant a lot, well, to me it did.




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Fri Jan 28, 2005 5:53 am
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hawk wrote a review...



I really liked the idea behind this, but the issue of war isn't easy to address and still look affective. The problem was it didn't really flow very well. I think perhaps if you concentrated on a particular part, say the gunshots or the soldiers, it would be much more effective.




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Mon Jan 17, 2005 8:32 pm
Meshugenah wrote a review...



Very difficult subject you chose, Wulie.

The night dissolves beneath me,
I awake to the sound of war,
The house shaking,
Beneath the rumble of the planes.

"the sound of war" to me implies one sound, but in the context of the poem you have more then one example, so how does sounds sound?

Voices rise between my family,
Tears adorned with fear,
Lives broken with terror,
Glasses smashed shards remain glistening.

the pharse my family doesn't sound right to me... and you use with twice in a row. I would suggest changing one to another prep, perhaps from in the third line? Also, the last line feels a little off. "smashed shards of glass," maybe?

Guns shots echo through the air,
Innocent lives snatched,
Statistics rise, anger swirls,
This is war, this is pain.

I agree with Myriadne, the last line doesn't fit. Anger swells.. I'm just not sure about this line. I love statistics rise, i got chills frm that.

Poltions safe behind their guards,
Soldiers naked to the violence,
The TV says to kill,
So they must say goodbye and go.

So true, so true. However, i fin go to be a bad wrod to end on.

Silence never comes screaming voices,
Echo through the house,
Empty threats embrace a new day,
There will never be peace.

Just a suggestion, n'er in place of never. A comma or some sort of seperation after comes, also, becuase that leads into the next thought of "Echo through the house".

Nice job with the subject. :thumb:




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Mon Jan 17, 2005 7:06 pm
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Wulie says...



Tv - paparatise ( sorry spelt wrong) that whole stanza is to do with the publictiy...

Poltions safe behind their guards,
Soldiers naked to the violence,


This stanza is to do with the poltations say right there's war but the soldiers have to see the voilence the pain etc - related to the family parents argue but they don't feel the violence hurt etc as the children do having to watch them argue, does that make sense?




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Mon Jan 17, 2005 6:39 pm
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Oh, okay, thats been puzzling me for days. The [ ], but I like how you do that, its unique.

Yeah, after reading it over again I kind of like the poem more. Hmm...yeah I have to say it was pretty good. There were some lines that just didnt fit like:

Poltions safe behind their guards,
Soldiers naked to the violence,


Hmm...uh, I don't really get it.

The TV says to kill,
So they must say goodbye and go.


The TV says to kill? What did you mean by that, but I liked how you flat out told the reader that they must say goodbye and go and just get over it.

Overall I liked it, and I loved the first line. Dissolved? That was a really good way to describe it and could feel what was happening.




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Mon Jan 17, 2005 10:42 am
Wulie says...



its not supposed to be horrific or anything I'm trying to refer the start of war to family life. I know I spelt its wrong I'm not good at spelling sorry. I put ']' them round it because I'm strange weird just what I do...




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Mon Jan 17, 2005 2:32 am
electricbluemonkey wrote a review...



Yeah, I agree. Honestly its a little too much utopian for war.

But the title did catch my attention and it really touched me at times. It was a pretty good poem, I liked it.

And can I ask you a question? Why do you always put [ ] around your title when you post it. Not that its annoying or something, its just...strange...weird...unique, yeah, lets go with that...




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Mon Jan 17, 2005 1:57 am
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convintojm wrote a review...



honestly i think it sounds like you really don't know how truly horrifying war can be. the poem is too light to truly contain the degree of emotion that should be there. and you spelt politicians wrong (i'm not sure i spelt it right either but just look it up)




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Sun Jan 16, 2005 8:13 pm
Myriadne wrote a review...



I liked this, you have captured feeling and that is often very difficult to do, good job! One small thing that is purely personal, I didint like the line "this is war, this pain" It seemed too...awkward? I don't know, it just didint fit for me. Other than that I think you have very strong piece.





I want to understand you, I study your obscure language.
— Alexander Pushkin